School Days - Komorebi
by Miss Ragdoll
Summary: The butterfly effect, with just a little misstep, a fated encounter, I found myself being the little red ridding hood, and he was the wolf.
1. chapter 1: keitai charm

hello, hello! I'm back, ii desho? Yet another chaptered fanfic! And guess what? I think I can finish it actually! XD  
>What is more, what I'm bringing you is NOT a dark story (prepare confetti and hanabi!) I swear, it's not dark! XD <em>Maybe it's not dark now but...<em> oh damn, my evil muse tempts me. For now, it's just... an innocent story (laughs).

I had the idea for this story after remembering an old anime I watched time ago, School Days. Fret not if you know it, I'M NOT DOING A SWAPING WITH IT'S CHARACTERS AND HAKUOUKI. I'm just taking some ideas... XD evil ones. Hope you like them.

As it's recurrent, I'm using my two most loved characters here, Okita senpai and Saito senpai. because I love them, and well, because a world without Souji's mischief and Saito's cuteness is boooring.

This is a Hakuouki SSL fanfic, and I hope you enjoy it as I keep writing. For now the development in the first chapters may seem slow, but I'm building up tension (evil and cunning laugh)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of its characters.

I recommend OST: Fujita Maiko _One Way_ ;)

* * *

><p><strong>SHOOL DAYS<strong> - _okichisai triangle._

_I know how wrong this is... yet I can't stop._

* * *

><p>I had only noticed he rode the same train as I did at the begining of the second term, but from that day onwards, my eyes found him everyday. Without a fail.<p>

Every day I watched him as he made the same trip as I did to the Hakuouki Academy, and as he came back from school. Everyday as he read a book in the train, completely unfazed to the rest of the world. Every day. Every day, from the shadows, my eyes followed him, but my voice never came out. I never spoke to him, I couldn't. Cowardly I was content enough just watching him, my crush, my platonic love.

To me he was perfect, in every way; good looking, good at sports and good at studying. I couldn't take my eyes from him, I could find him anywhere, even in a crowd of people. His presence radiated a warm light and dazzled me.

Saito senpai was my world. But he didn't know I existed.

* * *

><p>"Ne Chizuru chan, do you know about the keitai charm legend?"<p>

"Eh?"

I looked at Sen chan as we ate our bentou under a tree nearby the kendo installations of the Hakuouki Academy.

"Well, I've heard you sigh so many times already I thought that if you were alive after wasting all this oxygen, you may aswell make miracles happen."

"Sen chan!"

I embarrasedly chided her.

"Well, it might work. You lose nothing."

"... But seriously, what are you talking about?"

"I read it in a magazine! look, here."

She handed me down a girl's magazine. It read 'How to make the boy you love notice you'. I blushed.

"I- It's not like I like-"

"Maybe like this senpai will notice you."

I fretted.

"How- How do you-!?"

"Oh Chizu chan c'mon, it's _super _obvious, I mean, it must be obvious to _anyone _besides him..."

I sighed heavily.

"Fortunately so..."

"Why do you say that?"

"I'd have no idea what to do if he knew... I'd bury myself in the ground and never come out. I'd not know how to speak to him, or even look at him! I'd die from embarrassment! Imagine if he knew- If he knew I'd been looking at him for almost three months now!"

"A fan!"

"A stalker!"

Sen chan laughed loudly.

"It's not like that! Oh, Chizuru chan, you make it sound as if being in love was a terrible thing."

"Being in love with a senpai IS a terrible thing. And quite scary."

"But he doesn't have THAT many fans-"

I spluttered.

"Do- do you know who he is?"

"I'd have to be blind NOT to know. Chizuru please... I've been patient enough, but this is ridiculous..."

"Yeah, I guess so..."

I sighed dejectedly. Sen sighed over dramatically.

"Seriously what is the worst that could happen? That he... rejected you?"

I looked at my hands, and gripped my fingers tightly.

"I prefer... watching him silently from afar than having him rejecting me and conscious of my affections."

"But Chizuru chan... this way you'll never know if he loves you or not."

I didn't answer. Love me... how could he? Saito senpai didn't know of me, probably had never crossed looks with me or noticed me in any way. I made myself even more invisible than I already was. I participated in none activities and we were in different grades. There was just no way he could know I existed. And that was fine by me. I preferred this, a platonic love, than a rejection. I didn't want him to be uncomfortable, I didn't want him to notice me. I was too scared.

I had cero experience in love. I had never liked someone before, I never knew what this feeling was until my heart started to flutter when I saw him, and butterflies fled wildly in my stomach. Seing him brightened my day, just seeing him... made me happy. I was eager to go to school everyday because I'd see him. So quickly that it took me by surprise he became the center of my life and gave me a purpose beyond studying, beyond academics or friendships in my life. I had discovered love.

Sen chan didn't see it like me, though. She wanted me to be more assertive, to make some noise and make him notice me, to, little by little, earn a place in his heart. I wish I had been born that brave, but I wasn't; I was, by all definition, a sheltered girl. My dad had always taken care of me, provided me with all I wanted and raised me without a care. All this because he made me attend an all girls boarding school for most of my life. So when last year started I was so lost I could barely speak to anyone, not even the few girls that attended Hakuouki Academy. I was incredibly lucky Sen chan was this kind of hyper girl.

Oh, that's right. About Hakuouki Academy... and how I ended here. Half a year ago my father had to change cities for his job; it was very sudden and it forced him to change all his plans, those being: my twin brother Kaoru and I both had had to change schools forcefully because from 16 years onwards the boarding schools where we were did not admit more grades. In the beginning we were going to enroll a non boarding all boys and all girls high school in Kyoto, but this sudden change of job places made my father decide we'd move with him. Sheltered and stuff, he didn't want us to live alone and on our own in Kyoto while he travelled to Tokyo. And with the little time to organize he had, there was just one high school he could enroll us in: Hakuouki Academy. Here comes the thing though; up until very recently it had been an _all boys _high school. So, by the time I arrived the percentage of girls to boys was like... 1 _to one hundred._

Men I had had relationships up until now: my father, my brother, some of my family, my teachers. Nothing beyond that. I was so scared I thought I'd not be able to wake from bed and attend classes.

Of course my brother was as supportive as always. He was not. From the beginning all he did was act as if he had to protect me from all the male population of the Earth minus family, and he took his job very seriously. I thought it was sweet but Sen chan found his behaviour just plain annoying. Sis complex, she called it. Fortunately for her, and me, she said, he was in a different classroom than us, so I did not see him regularly. And because Sen chan promised him she'd protect me, he finally gave up his siscon.

So, to sum up, I was a complete and absolute love noob, hopelessly in love.

This is how my 16th year started at high school.

* * *

><p>It is said that if you keep a picture in your keitai of the person you like for three weeks, and nobody discovers or sees it, your love will be realized.<p>

...

Classes were over and most of the students were in their clubs or at home, and here I was. Looking at my crush hidden behind a bush. I tentatively took another look at him. He was wiping the sweat from his forehead with a towel, the kendo practice finished for today. Just as he turned towards where I was hiding outside the kendo dojo I hid again. Yeah right, as if I'd be brave enough to take a picture of him. No way, I could barely look at him without stressing over the fact he could catch me looking. I saved my phone in my pocket again for the tenth time, and sighed. He was so handsome...

"Oh. A stalker."

"KYAAAAAAAAA!"

I jumped badly at the voice that suddenly spoke to me from my side. As I stood on my butt trying to catch my breath, I looked up towards the person and he just smiled. I was immediately taken aback.

Green cat-like eyes, an impish smile and soft brown colored hair.

"Ohh sorry, did I scare you?"

His voice was playful. I broke on a cold sweat.

"P- please... don't tell anybody."

He stared at me confused.

"Umm what should I not?"

"Uh?"

Oh. So maybe he thought I was here by curiosity, just taking a look at the kendo club. And then all his mask fell and he grinned again.

"Ah. That you were stalking Hajime kun?"

My breath hitched. He DID know. He feigned worry, his face closing the gap with mine.

"Oi oi, are you okay? You are frighteningly pale."

"I beg you... don't tell him. Please!"

I bowed to him, and heard him snicker. When I rose my eyes he was smiling mischievously.

"Is that so? Well, I wouldn't want to sell a first grader like this, that would be _really _mean of me, wouldn't it..."

"Ah, thank y... ou..."

I saw his grin turn predatory. Oh no, this was not going well.

"... so how about we make a deal?"

"A... deal?"

"Yup yup, a deal. I won't say, if you become my slave."

"EEEEHHHH!?"

My mind went blank.

"Hush, hush, too loud."

He said amusedly. I clapped both hands against my mouth.

"You see, I also belong to the kendo club, so how about, in exchange for my silence, you help me out with my duties?"

"Duties..."

"Mh, mh, like, I barely have time to do my homework and keep up with the club so, a slave would reaaaally suffice me..."

_Yeah right, you mean you are a lazy bum_. If I agreed I'd be slave by all definitions. But did he really meant it? Could he be so... mean?

"Ah, by the way, I am Okita Souji, from the same class as Hajime kun there."

"Oh! So you are... my senpai too?"

"That's right."

He nodded happily. I took another look to him. He was probably taller than Saito senpai, his shoulders broader and his body more built. And he definitely looked like a teaser. Maybe he was just playing a joke on me...?

"... it's not very nice for a senpai to ask for things like this to a kohai, is it?"

I really didn't say it with malice, I was just plainly surprised he thought he would tell me all this out of the blue, but I saw him broadly smile at my retort.

"Ohh aren't you feisty?"

"Wh- wha-?"

I denied with my hands and head. He got it all wrong!

"Oh but I like it. I like feisty girls, because they hide their innocence under that façade."

"Uh?"

No way. A PERVERT! Suddenly I remembered my brother's words _"men are all wolves."_

He grinned at me.

"But worry not, I am not interested in stalking, innocent, and _virginal _girls."

WHAT. I blushed furiously and glared at him. How dared he...?

"Ah, if I don't know your name that would be a problem, ne?"

Oh. Maybe I could run away and hide from him... he didn't know me-

"Wouldn't it, _Chi-zu-ru _chan?"

A cold sweat run down my spine. How did he know!? This guy was the devil!

"So, I'll see you in a while, your contract with me starts today."

"I- I haven't agreed to anything!"

I managed to let my voice out as he turned his back to me. He then looked at me with a crooked smile.

"Ara, so that means I can tell Hajime kun?

Damn him. Damn him a million times. He got me there.

"I'll take that as a 'yes, master'. I'll see you at five in the rooftop. Don't be late, Chizuru cha~n."

He waved his hand and without looking back went inside the dojo. I stood there, frozen on the spot. Could the day become worse somehow? I would be thrown to the wolves if I didn't do as he said. He had me trapped. How could I have been so stupid? I knew I could not refuse. I was so scared of him telling I thought I'd not be able to wake from the ground though. If he did tell it would be over, my life would be over. I hid my head between my hands.

"What do I do..."

* * *

><p>Extra curricular classes were over and people were leaving the clubs by the time appointed by Okita senpai was set. I saw wistfully as Saito senpai went away from the window in my class. It was the first time since I first saw him that I didn't follow his routines, and today I'd have to stay here, who knows for how long. I sighed again. Luckily Sen chan had lessons to improve her grades and thus she went home before I did. Later today I had decided I'd not tell anybody; what would telling solve? Nobody could help, not even Sen chan could be able to help me at all. So, I resoluted myself and decided to face this bully that was Okita senpai.<p>

Determined, I went up to the rooftop but with every step I took my determination faltered. Then as I reached the door I thought of something. I had no key. Did that mean... he had one? How?

"Yup yup. I have a key."

I jumped again at his playful voice so close to me. Somehow he had managed to sneak near me again without being noticed.

"I'm happy to see you fulfilled your promise."

"As if I had a choice..."

I muttered. He grinned again. Then took a key and opened the door. A strong wind surprised me; and the view left me breathless for a moment. From here it could be seen the city from a perfect panoramic and the sunset. It was beautiful. He step before me, and turned around, moving his head to tell me to go ahead and close the door. I gulped nervously. Up until now I'd never been alone with a man besides my family and teachers. I was extremely nervous.

His eyes did nothing to soothe me, they looked at me as if they were following a prey's moves. Something about that put me on edge.

"And... what did you want from me?"

I managed to put on a brave front and ask him. He snickered.

"C'mon Chizuru chan, you don't need to be all defensive on me, I won't do anything bad to you... in fact, I have a reward seeing as you've been such a good girl."

I stared at him suspiciously. He pouted slightly, and fakely.

"That offends me. Shall I not give you my present?"

I was weak towards these things. Damn. I meekly nodded. He smiled broadly again.

"Hora, close your eyes."

No way. No. Way. Even I knew I had to have all my defenses up with these kind of boys.

"I told you, didn't I? trust me. I have no interest whatsoever on someone who stalks the boy she likes."

He was somehow starting to piss me off in a way nobody had ever had. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. The quicker this was over, the better. I listened intently to try and guess what he was doing, too scared that he was going to do... whatever. And then I felt as if his hand almost brushed my hair, and a shiver run down my spine. Even with my eyes closed, I could feel his eyes. His green eyes staring at me... and was that his scent?

"You can open them now."

His voice struck me as soft and sweet, like a caress or a whisper and for a moment I felt something very strange in the pit of my stomach.

At his words I slowly peeped and saw he was holding his phone before me- WAIT.

A picture of senpai.

A picture of Saito senpai.

A picture of Saito senpai in his kendo clothes and Okita senpai smiling and making the victory sign with him.

"Wha- What is this?"

I was too astonished to even ask coherent questions. He grinned satisfied and took his phone back as I was unconsciously reaching towards it.

"I deduced you were stalking him to take a picture of him. After all, I'm all in the hype and know of the girls' interests, so I knew of the urban legend of the keitai charm. I figured you'd be wanting to have a picture of him on your phone."

I was left speechless.

"It... it does not... work like this - wait, why are you doing this?"

He tilted his head, and looked at me as if I was speaking nonsense.

"Obviously, because it's fun. It's fun to see you struggle like this, I knew from the beginning that teasing you _would _be fun. Oh, and don't worry about the charm, I don't count since I'm your accomplice and we have a _slavery contract_, so if I give you this picture and never see it again in three weeks, that is supposed to work as charm, isn't it?"

Well, I didn't think so. But I was never superstitious from the beginning so whatever would be good... and at the end of this deal I would have a picture of Saito senpai! My face lit at the thought.

"Yeah, that smile suits you better."

I stared at him. And suddenly I felt... strange. His expression has relaxed, as if he had managed to fulfill his purpose. And I felt my heart skip a beat. If I looked at him like this, forgetting the fact that he was a bully and was blackmailing me, he was... handsome. Very much. I blushed at my silly thoughts.

"Thanks... Okita senpai."

"Oh you are welcome."

We stood like this for a moment, his wolfish smile and his green eyes looking at me, expectating.

"So um..."

I nervously fidgeted. Was he not going to give me the picture after all? With every moment that passed I felt more and more unsettled.

His smile became a teasing grin.

"I can't pass the picture if I don't have your mail, can I?"

... I was so stupid. Of course that was part of his plan. This way he'd have my mail and he'd be able to annoy me as much as he wanted. I had to trade being a slave for a picture. To hell with it all. I took out my phone and handed it to him. He smiled satisfied.

"Yeah, good girl."

I frowned. He took it and started pressing buttons. After a little while he gave me my phone back. And as I relished on the fact that I had a picture of Saito senpai - much to my discomfort, shared with a picure of Okita senpai - he showed me my contact info on his phone.

"Then it's done, Chizuru chan. Let's be good friends from now on, ne?"

As if I had a choice.

As we went away from the rooftop I decided to ask anyway.

"Okita senpai, how is it that you have a key for the rooftop?"

He answered nonchalantly.

"Oh, that? I borrowed it from Hijikata sensei."

I felt the blood leaving me. Oh god. He stole it from the Oni Sensei. He was just a punk who liked to look for problems. My gosh what had I gotten myself into. Okita senpai just smiled broadly and winked, his finger on his lips.

"Our secret."

He said, and with that I saw him go downstairs and felt as if all the adrenaline rush was leaving me, and had to sit. I took out my phone and looked at the picture of Saito senpai, but for a strange reason my eyes darted involuntarily towards Okita senpai in the picture and after a moment I had to stop looking. What was wrong with me? Why was my heart beating so fast? Was I mad? Scared? Nervous? I felt as if I was not ready to take an exam, my palms sweaty and my tummy hurting. What was that? Well, at least I had a picture of Saito senpai. Yes, that was it, that was all that was important, that was what had me to get centered.

Because I had an important thing to cling to, I had Saito senpai near me, in a delusional way, but I could look at him whenever I wanted to. I smiled satisfied at the thought and then walked towards the train station.

This would be my secret.

Our secret. One of the many to come...


	2. chapter 2: prone to scams

hello dear readers! Thanks for the support on chapter one, I'm glad you liked Souji! God of Mischief ;)

As I said develoipment will be cooked slowly but thoroughly (or so I hope), so here you have, enjoy chapter two :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of it's characters.

* * *

><p>Before my alarm could wake me up, a mail did.<p>

It was not even 7 in the morning, but whoever it was, even if it was Sen, I'd kill them. I was in the middle of a sweet dream with loads of apple candies, and cotton candy and sparkly, shiny things. I don't even know what the dream was about, but I definitely didn't want it to end so abruptly.

I got my phone and checked it. I was fully awake in a second.

_"From: Okita senpai._

_To: Yukimura Chizuru._

_O-ha-yooo stalker girl!￣O￣)ノオハー_  
><em>Don't forget you have to be ready for the slavery thing today!<em>  
><em>I expect you to give your 110%<em>  
><em>yoshi! C'mon!<em>

_〜（ゝ。∂）_  
><em>"<em>

I almost threw my phone against a wall. I woke from a dream to end up in a nightmare.

At least today I'd be seeing Saito senpai in the train. Yeah, positive thinking. I searched for his picture and looked at it.

Damn, not again.

My eyes darted towards Okita senpai. Could it be that I hated him so much I wanted to blow his head up by looking at him? I sighed and pressed my head to the pillow. I really needed some mercy. I made mental note to look for a program to cut the picture and leave just Saito senpai. I'd be mangling it, but it was better than nothing. And Okita senpai was very distracting.

WAIT. Did I just think he was distracting? Distracting... like, in what way? What... was I thinking? Damn, no, it was way too early to be awake, my brain was not working properly. Yes, that was it. Not working. At all.

I finally got up from the bed, the nervousness having awoken me completely, and went to have a shower. Today I'd be getting up earlier it seemed, I just hoped my schedules were not messed thanks to this, and I could see senpai at the station.

As I left my room Kaoru beat me and closed the bathroom door.

"Mooou Kaoru, pleaseeee."

"I woke up before you, it's only fair."

"Buuut I reaaally need to..."

"Pee?"

"Shut up!"

We laughed.

"How are you awake this early?"

He asked as we went downstairs to have breakfast. Usually he woke up almost half an hour before me to fulfill his duties at school as representative.

"Bad dream."

I was _not _really lying.

"Yosh, it's okay now."

He patted my head awkwardly. I say _awkwardly _because we are almost the same height and he had to stand on his tiptoes to reach my head. I snickered and he blushed and pouted.

"Thanks Kaoru."

"Oh! Good morning guys."

Our father greeted us from the table where he was placing the breakfast.

"Good morning papa."

"Morning Ojiisan."

We sat to eat.

"Oh by the way, how is the representative work going?"

Father asked to Kaoru. He just shrugged.

"Mm same as always, a lot of work, but I like it."

He meant it, he was some sort of work sadist.

"Good to hear it. And you, Chizuru, are you not going to join any club this term?"

I stopped munching my toast and thought. Briefly.

"Nope."

"Not even literature? Woah, that's being lazy, dear sis."

"It's not that... I just... don't feel comfortable."

That was of course part of it. Apart from wanting to keep a low profile, most of the club activities required certain cooperation between members, and they were male in its biggest part. And Sen did not belong to any club, all her time being used in her after school classes. So, I didn't feel like belonging to any club. I had my own club to attend though. The kendo club. Okita senpai's words came to my mind.

I felt really _really _stalkerish.

"Don't worry! If anything happens I'm here to protect you!"

"He he, thank you Kaoru!"

"Ohh I'm so proud of my children! But look at the time, Kaoru you should be going."

"Oh, true. Chizuru, wanna come?"

I thought for a moment. Well, today I could pass, since I had the picture in my phone but... I really wanted to see him.

"Don't worry, you can go, I'll see you later."

"Okay, just don't slacker."

"I wooon't."

Kaoru went away and I sighed.

"Are you worried, dear?"

I saw my father knit his brows.

"It's taking me time... to get used to it. That's all, don't worry."

"I am sorry Chizuru, but just for this year, do you think you can cope with it? Papa will look for another high school for you next year."

I denied with my head.

"It's fine. In the real world I'd have to work with men and get used to it. I think this is a good step towards it."

"Ahh my daughter has really matured, I'm proud!"

He smiled and I felt reassured. My father could be a really workaholic, but he always found time to talk with us, and cheer us up. Being able to spend time with him like this was worth all the stress that new co-ed school had given me.

"Well then, I'll be going!"

"Have a nice day Chizuru!"

"You too papa!"

I took my things and sprinted towards the station.

* * *

><p>As I reached it and passed my pass I started my ritual. I closed my eyes and then opened them. Among the crowd here he was.<p>

His beautiful purple hair. Saito senpai. I felt a wave of happiness. I took my place near the bench and awaited for the train. He was reading as always, what was this book about? I wish I could se it, maybe like this I could read what he was reading, and I'd feel a bit closer to him.

I was thinking about trying to approach him slightly to get a better view of the book when my phone ringed. I flinched. Quickly I turned my back to him, so he could not see me, and looked at it.

_"From: Sen chan._

_To: Yukimura Chizuru._

_Ohayo Chizuru chan!_  
><em>How are you doing?<em>  
><em>Sorry for yesterday,<em>  
><em>today we'll spend more time together, promised!<em>  
><em>see u at school! <em>  
><em>(○ﾟε＾○)<em>  
><em>"<em>

I heaved a big sigh. It was me who didn't know if we'd be able to spend time together, with all the slavery contract stuff. I wondered if I should tell her. Oh well, today at class probably. She was sure to freak out.

As I was thinking it the train arrived and we got in. It was a less than 15 minutes ride, but it definitely brightened my day watching Saito senpai and his daily routine. Today, I thought, was definitely going to be a good day; yes, I'd let nothing spoil my day.

I spoke a little bit too soon.

Just as we got off the train an walked towards the school, a crowd of cheerful boys speaking about anything and whatever, a sparkle of soft brown hair and an arm appeared out of nowhere and brought Saito senpai towards him.

"Good morning, Souji."

"Hajime kun ohayoo! Here, the book you lent me."

"You can keep it until you finish it."

"Ehh how do you know I haven't finished it yet?"

"You just told me."

"Haha beats me."

I thought my heart had imploded inside my chest.

They were close. it was not a lie. They were really, really close. As I was thinking of how terrible it would be Okita senpai noticed me, he just looked backwards and his green cat-like eyes locked with mine. My breath hitched. Oh no. He tilted his head and winked at me, then brought Saito senpai closer and they started chatting about something I could not hear well. I realized I couldn't because my feet had somehow been glued to the ground and I couldn't move.

The rest of the day of course, only got worse.

"That he did WHAT?"

"Hime san, do you have something to say to the class?"

"Ah, eeeh no, sorry."

Sen chan lamely sat again ashamed at the laughter that her outburst had provoked in the classroom. She spoke in whispers again.

"But seriously... Okita senpai, uh? Woah. Biggest asshole in his promotion."

"S- Sen chan! Do you know him?"

"Of course I know him; half the girls here know him, wait. Only _you _don't know him; he is an absolute teaser, he is the typical 'not of anyone - for all of us'. No relationships known nor seems to be interested in girls besides teasing them."

Good God.

"Look Chizuru you should have told me sooner; after classes we are gonna go and kick his balls."

"NO, no, no, please! He has... he has well, somehow helped me."

"He IS blackmailing you."

"I don't even know what he wants yet... maybe it isn't that bad...?"

I said meekly. She sighed.

"Woah Chizuru, I didn't know you were into masochism."

"I AM NOT!"

"Yukimura san!"

"SO- SORRY!"

I furiously blushed and pressed my forehead against the table. Sen chan passed me a note.

_"So he blackmails you and you are still trusting he is not that bad? Guess what, never sending my children to a boarding school."_

I wrote back.

_"Gods Sen chan, is not that. He took a picture of senpai and traded it with me. I know he looks like a punk but maybe... he is not bad."_

She glared at me.

_"Prone to scams."_

_"Shut up."_

_"I'm not talking to you."_

_"Good."_

_"Fine."_

_"Stop talking to me!"_

_"Just so you know, I'm writing, not talking."_

I bursted out laughing. Next thing I knew we were on the hallway.

"Seriously Sen chan, this is the first time in my life I have been sent to the hallway."

"I'm giving you all the new experiences, Chizu chan; just wait until I show you how to go to the principal's office."

We laughed trying to muffle with our hands our outburst.

"Haaa but seriously."

She looked at me with concern.

"What does he want from you?"

"I think he is just bored. When he realizes I'm super boring he'll leave me alone."

"Chizuru chan... you may have not noticed, but that guy... is a sadist."

"Sen chan."

"No, really, just look at this slowly, okay? He enjoys teasing you, has blackmailed you but given you a treat so you feel like you owe him, and now he'll make you do who-knows-what."

I had a shiver. She nailed it.

"What do I do Sen chan?"

I clung to her. She patted my head.

"Hush hush, don't worry, mama Sen is here."

I received a mail.

_"From: Okita senpai_

_To: Yukimura Chizuru._

_Oh so you are into girls too?_  
><em>Niiice.<em>  
><em>Ah, btw, grounded in the hallway?<em>  
><em>way to go rebel girl!<em>  
><em>see you at five in the rooftop.<em>  
><em>(<em>_ゝ∀・●__)_  
><em>ps: no kendo practice today,<em>  
><em>but you already knew it, didn't you<em>_?_  
><em>"<em>

I showed it to Sen chan.

"I must admit, I don't know if I should like him or kick his balls."

I sighed.

"I have to go. He knows."

"What is worst; he sees."

Sen pointed at the window from the building next to ours. He was shamelessly waving his hand at us. My god. Texting in class and not paying attention at all.

"You got yourself the worst type of admirer, Chizuru chan."

"Ha... what?"

She just shrugged.

"Such work just for fun... either he is super bored or has taken a liking to you."

"Or. He IS a sadist."

"Yeah. I vote for that."

I slumped my shoulders on defeat.

A pervert, a sadist, a teaser, a bully. Any of them or all of them. But I had to go and see what he wanted.

"Ne Chizu chan, want me to stay today? I can always skip cram school."

"Nn, don't worry, I'll be fine."

"Somehow you worry me a lot."

"I'll take care mooom."

"You better. If something happens, call me."

"Sure thing."

* * *

><p>After that classes just passed as always, we had lunch and the rest of the day went by in a blur. On one hand I was super distressed with the prospect of Okita senpai being a sadist who only wanted to tease me. On the other hand... I didn't want to give up hope. Maybe he was making his work as a matchmaker and tried to pair his friend with a girl. I wanted to believe he really wasn't that bad guy as he seemed.<p>

I was helplessly hopeful. Sen chan would scold me badly at this reasoning.

Five o'clock in the afternoon. Classes were over, and people were leaving. Of course, Saito senpai had already left. The rest of my day would be miserable because I had missed him yet again. It was depressing that my mood really depended on watching him in the morning and watching him go in the afternoon. As I was thinking this I reached the door of the rooftop. It was open. Of course.

"Here goes nothing."

I just couldn't believe the smug smile Okita senpai had when he saw me appear in the rooftop that day.

"Welcome, Chizuru chan."

"I- I am-"

I cut myself. He almost made me say it. Damn troll, damn teaser, damn lady killer smile.

Forget about that last thing.

He grinned broadly.

"I'm glad you came."

"You know I have no choice."

He ignored me.

"Okay, what should I task you with..."

"Okita senpai."

He turned to look at me. Somehow I knew I was making a pretty desperate face because right now I was pretty desperate and confused, but he took me seriously and looked at me.

"Why are you doing this?"

His crocked smile came back.

"I told you before; teasing you is fun."

"Right, but, why... I mean, how did you know I was watching him, and why did you thought of this... I can't understand."

For a moment I felt my voice faltered and had to stop. Okita senpai came close to me and crossed his arms.

"You... are you really that stressed about this?"

"Of course I am!"

"Well, relax. I am not a monster."

I bit my lip.

"Seriously. I am not a demon brought from hell to tease you."

A look at his face and I really couldn't match his words with his expression. He was having fun.

"Fine. What do I have to do?"

"Mmm forget about that for now, I am more interested in your questions."

"HA?"

That really shocked me. He narrowed his green eyes and I felt a shiver.

"So, you want to know how did I know you were stalking my friend?"

"Please, don't use that word."

"Stalk?"

He smiled mischievously and I frowned.

"Heee your pouting face is really cute. But, to que question, of course I knew, I mean I belong to the club and always come by late, so one of the days I saw you crouched behind a bush like a-"

"Don't say, I get it."

I was blushing. It had been super obvious... Oh no.

"Does- Does Saito senpai know?"

He grinned devilishly.

"Worried?"

"Of course!"

He snickered.

"Nah, he doesn't. I didn't tell, and if you've been observing him as much I think you have, you know he just doesn't realize things."

I heaved a huge sigh. Good. Good.

"But seriously, what's with the stalking game?"

I narrowed my eyes. He really loved that damn word. I decided he'd enjoy more if I kept telling him to avoid it, so I decided to let it pass and swallow it.

"It's not a game."

"You just follow him like a paparazzi. Either it's a weird hobby or... you are a really big coward."

"... Probably a coward, why lying."

At this point, why not being honest. He tilted his head and grimaced.

"Well, don't get that depressed. I mean, you have guts, you are here and are confronting me and being honest. _That _requires bravery."

"Yeah, right. Thanks for the lip service."

"No, no, honestly. But it got me really intrigued why you don't try and tell him; I mean, it's Hajime kun, he will not shame you or anything."

I bit my lip again. I knew that Saito senpai was a good person, I had seen him and even though I had never spoken to him I knew he was liked by his classmates and had good friends - even Okita senpai was talking wonders of him, and if they were friends that said a lot of him- but...

"Could it be...that you _really _have no experience?"

Nailed it.

"Woo so the rumors were true. Boarding schools and stuff. A girl who has no experience with boys _at all_."

I just stood there, not really knowing what to do. And then Okita senpai shrugged nonchalantly.

"Well then, I'll tutor you."

There were some seconds of absolute silence. Probably I had stopped breathing, yet I could hear my heart pumping in my ears.

"E- excuse me?"

"I'll tutor you. I'll be your guide towards adulthood."

"... Wait no thanks."

I spoke mechanically, my head still trying to understand what was going on.

"You don't really have many options left."

"Are- wait... are you blackmailing me!?"

I couldn't hide the panic in my voice.

He smiled mischievously, his green eyes glimmering with anticipation.

"Not blackmailing you; offering something better and more useful than just doing my work for me. I tutor you, and you are my slave. The contract last until one of us learns all."

I was clever enough to know this was not a good deal. I didn't even know what he was implying with tutoring me.

"What is that tutoring thing?"

Before he said, his smile gave away it would be something I would be not agreeing.

"You said you had no experience in love, I assume you've not dated?"

I reluctantly and bashfully nodded.

"Then, here is where I come in: I'll teach you how to date and be less awkward around boys. If I do that you'll eventually be able to speak to Hajime kun, won't you?"

This deal stung, I knew it. It reeked to something terrible, I mean, I didn't even know what he gained from helping me, but the outcome was so damn good and so damn impossible to achieve without help, I knew I'd have to accept the bargain. On my own I'd never be able to speak to Saito senpai, let alone get near him without having a heart attack. But Okita senpai... with him I could speak, and I realized I felt a rush everytime I was with him alone at the rooftop. Maybe he could work a miracle. Maybe he could get me used to boys and help me get close to Saito senpai.

I was pretty desperate. I knew I was making a pact with a wolf. But what choices did I have? That was probably the best offer I'd get, and he knew Saito senpai well. The fact that he was willing to help me...

"So, what do you say?"

I looked at him. Less than two days had passed since I met him, and he had already turned me upside down and brought me to his territory, and yet, none of it felt wrong. it was as if he was pushing me, but it didn't feel... forced. I had very contradictory emotions towards what he was doing, like the nerves before the exam. He was pulling me out of my comfort zone.

"One question."

"Shot."

"Can I... get out of the deal if I don't feel comfortable?"

"What would be the point of this deal then? This whole thing is about breaking your comfort zone, otherwise you'll be stuck in your boarding all girls school forever."

He was right. I knew. But I was so damn scared... So very scared. I felt tears well in my eyes.

"Can I think about it?"

My voice trembled slightly.

"You should decide now, Chizuru chan. If you think about it with your current state, you'll get stuck in your fears."

His voice was serious, and when I looked at him I saw something in his eyes that shocked my tears away. Whatever he was thinking was a mystery to me, but his green eyes pulled me and I felt reassured. I didn't know why.

He extended his hand. I felt dizzy.

"Deal?"

I was making a pact with a wolf.

"Yes."

What would become of me?


	3. chapter 3: sweet things

Hello! I hope you are liking this story :D As you can see, as I'm writing this Saito senpai was already not made a notable appearance, but that is because plot wise he's still the platonic love, so... well, as I am writing this story I'll see; I have the script but this is getting more and more OkiChi the more I write xDDDD. Sorry if I deceived someone. I'm trying to make things right I swear, but Okita senpai keeps coming from nowhere and enchanting me with his mischief X3

excuses.

Ahem, so here it is chapter three, hope you like it. It's getting interesting, just wait ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of its characters.

* * *

><p>I slept terribly bad that night. Not as in having nightmares or stuff - I wish I had had nightmares, that would mean I had had slept something - no, I hadn't been able to sleep <em>at all<em>. Something worse than caffeine got me awake. Adrenaline, nervousness as any other I had ever suffered in my life got me on the edge and unable to close my eyes. I thought I'd pass out from tiredness the next day. Luckily, it was a weekend. Not having to go to school helped me calm down somehow, and finally I could rest. If this kept on I was sure to break out on a fever just from stress.

Waking up late was not my daily routine, so when Kaoru knocked at my door, he sounded worried.

"Chizuru, are you feeling okay?"

Not by far.

"Um, I'm fine Kaoru, I just overslept."

"Videogames?"

"You know me well."

I heard him sigh.

"Well, get dressed and come have breakfast, it's depressing to eat alone on a weekend."

I frowned. Had father not come back yet? I knew sometimes his work made him stay over night at the laboratory, but usually he came home before dawn. Seems like today he was making extra hours.

"Okay, in a minute."

I stretched and heard Kaoru go downstairs. I switched on my phone and waited.

_"From: Sen chan._

_To: Yukimura Chizuru._

_~~~ヾ(＾∇＾)__おはよー__darling!_  
><em>Did you sleep well?<em>  
><em>I hope you have cos today we have our date.<em>  
><em>Put on your best clothes,<em>  
><em>I'm taking you to eat crêpes!<em>  
><em>ﾐ<em>_(o*__･__ω__･__)__ﾉ_

_"_

I smiled. Thank gods for Sen chan. If she wasn't there I was sure to spend my days just going from home to school and back. She was the sweetest thing. I got dressed and took a last look at the picture of Saito senpai. I wished him a good weekend, and went downstairs ignoring how my eyes had travelled again to Okita senpai.

* * *

><p>The day was a bit cloudy and cold but Shibuya was bustling with activity as every other day. I met Sen chan by the Hachiko statue and we went to Marion crêpe's animatedly chatting about our things and various stuff.<p>

"A strawberry and banana cream crêpe please!"

"Chocolate and cream with cookies please!"

We started walking admiring the work of the crêpe master and how delicious they were. For a while we just ate, enjoying the sweet and pleasant sensation they left. But silences, as I had presumed, were detrimental for me. I started to think again about the rooftop and tomorrow.

Because tomorrow I'd have to go to Okita senpai's house. For the tutoring. I suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore. Why was I that nervous?

I mean, I didn't even know what that tutoring thing was going to be about. What would he be teaching me? Guess he had already dated, so maybe.. the basics, like... woah, I had no idea. Really. I looked at Sen chan. What was dating supposed to be? I was missing the whole thing, all the steps between liking someone and getting married. Like... what do people do? She noticed I was looking at her and smiled.

"What is it? Cream in my face?"

I denied with my head.

"Okay, whatever it is, just say it; you are so deep in thought your head might explode."

She smiled reassuringly.

"Ummm Sen chan, have you dated someone before?"

She almost choked with her crêpe.

"Oh well, where does this come from?"

I waved my hands quickly and I knew I was blushing from embarrassment.

"Ah, no, you don't need to answer me! It was a silly question, sorry."

"No, no, we are friends, don't worry... so Chizuru chan, I guess you are on that age, uh?"

"Uh?"

She cleared her throat and looked at me very seriously, her brows drawn.

"You see daughter, when mama and papa love themselves a lot, they get into bed and-"

"Okay I get it, stop."

I put a hand before her and she laughed.

"Nah, but you know, we all have dated someone before..."

"I have... not."

There was a silence.

"And I was thinking... I don't even know what people do on a date, or what dating is, even."

She looked at me as if she was seeing a unicorn.

"Wow, you _really _are clueless."

"Somehow I don't feel that is a compliment."

"No, no, it is."

"I can't believe you."

"But it is! I mean looking at you and how innocent you are, I feel like there really is no need for people to rush things, you know?"

"Rush things?"

"Yes, like, there is no need to date someone just because everybody does, and stuff, just wait for the right person for you, someone you really like, whenever it comes."

"Oh. Well, that makes sense."

"Right?"

"But I guess it would be helpful having some pointers."

"Yeah, guess you are right."

We kept walking along Shibuya eating our crêpes, then she spoke again.

"Look at couples in the street, okay? They are talking cheerfully, some are leaning one on the other, some hold hands..."

"Hold hands..."

I looked at my hand.

"I can't believe you are blushing with just the thought of Saito senpai and you holding hands."

"How did you know!?"

She snickered and then laughed a bit.

"But Chizuru chan, that is just... the obvious; when you date someone you like you want to touch that person. You feel... attracted."

"attracted..."

"Yeah, like physically attracted. Have you never thought about touching Saito senpai?"

I stopped walking. I Hadn't. I hadn't even thought about holding hands until she told me. I would have been just content enough to be able to speak to him. To be near him. Maybe even just be noticed, if I wasn't such an incredible coward.

"You mean... you haven't!?"

She stared at me completely fazed.

"... Is it that strange?"

"_Very _much. Normally when you like someone all your thoughts go towards reaching that aim."

I was deep in thought. I had not even thought about touching him. Spending time, yes, speaking, too, and even going places together. But, touching?

"Could it be... you really have no sexual desire?"

I almost tripped on air at her words, and furiously blushed.

"SHHHHHHHHH Sen chan please!"

"What?"

"You know _what_!"

"Really? Have you not had the _talk_?"

Her voice was playful but then she stared at me. There was a silence, and I looked at her completely confused. Her eyes popped open a lot and she gaped at me.

"YOU HAVEN'T!"

"Seriously, what do you-"

"I can't believe it!"

"What are you talking about Sen chan!"

"The _talk_, Chizuru chan, _THE TALK_! The sexual talk!"

I clapped my hands to her mouth and looked around because I thought everybody was looking at us.

She just kept staring at me, her crêpe forgotten and her hands making all kinds of strange moves. When I released her she just gaped at me.

"You know _nothing_!"

"But I told you!"

"No, no, I really mean NOTHING, nothing AT ALL!"

"Stop that!"

"I can't believe it!"

"Would you just stop that!?"

She just kept gaping at me and putting her hands in her head and staring into infinite. I was getting really pissed off at this. Finally she calmed down and looked at me apologetically.

"Okay, don't get angry, I am not mocking you."

"It didn't seem like it."

She smiled awkwardly.

"But Chizuru chan... really. Did your mother not-"

"My mother died when I was four."

She closed her mouth with a start.

"I am really sorry Chizuru chan."

"Don't worry, I'm over it."

"And your father... has he never talked to you about dating boys?"

"No... he never, at least not to me."

"No wonder... and you've been for at least ten years attending an all girls school... that's some serious misguiding. And it's really dangerous."

I just listened, too disgruntled to say anything.

"I am more than ever opposed to letting you go and meet Okita senpai."

I glared at her.

"Seriously Sen chan."

"No, _seriously_, Chizuru chan, I am very worried about you; literally you have the knowledge of a child."

Okay, that made it, it pissed me off limits.

"But I am intent on going."

She just looked at me, completely concerned.

"Are you angry at me Chizuru chan?"

"No I am not."

I was not angry at her, I was just... annoyed at myself. I was very annoyed at my lack of knowledge. At being a child.

"Please, I know you'll do what you want but be careful, okay? Just... don't let him do something to you that you don't feel it's right."

I snorted.

"As if he was interested in me at all!"

She just stared at me, as if I knew nothing. Okay, that was it.

"Sorry Sen chan, but I'm going back now, I have lots of homework and today it's my turn preparing dinner so I have to go shopping. Thank you for the crêpes and taking me out, but I have to go."

I knew my excuses were all just lame, but instead of getting angry, Sen chan just took my hand and looked at me, her face really serious and her eyes apologetical.

"I AM very sorry Chizuru chan."

I sighed.

"I'm not angry at you Sen chan, how could I be? I know you want to help me, but right now I'm just too... annoyed. I need to cool off my head."

"I understand."

I returned the squeeze of her hand. She smiled.

"Friends?"

"Friends. Of course Chizuru chan."

* * *

><p>That night I let myself fall on the bed completely spent up. All the information being too much, and all the lack of it being all too much too. I felt so completely clueless... and after this there was no way I could go downstairs and get my father to explain me what <em>the talk <em>was. I wondered if he had had it with Kaoru. Maybe he just didn't know how to tell me these things because I was a girl. I missed for the first time in very long, my mom. I really missed her even though I did not remember her. I missed having a mother. I curled and hugged my bunny plushie. I felt lonely, and I felt lost.

I saw a light blinking from my phone. A mail.

_"From: Okita senpai._

_To: Yukimura Chizuru._

_(*^__･ｪ･__)__ﾉ ｺﾝﾁｬ__hellooo_  
><em>has your saturday been productive?<em>  
><em>tomorrow don't forget to come by<em>  
><em>my place at 11 am.<em>  
><em>no ettiquete required.<em>  
><em>*-ω-)<em>_ﾉ__" __ｵﾔｽﾐｰ_

_"_

I felt as if a ton had been placed on me. All the conversation with Sen chan whirlwinding on me again, as a bad omen no matter how I looked at it. Again my tummy began to hurt. I couldn't keep on like this. So I decided to lip service myself into thinking there was no way tomorrow would go wrong. I mean, I was strong. I was brave. I was intelligent. I had survived exams I thought I would fail and half a year in a co-ed high school. I could do it, I could do anything as long as I felt like I could. Yeah. That's right, nothing to fear.

* * *

><p>Today though, I didn't feel that brave anymore. As I was waiting for the train I thought I'd throw up from my nerves.<p>

I was going to Okita senpai's house. To a boy's house. I'd never been in a boy's not my family house. I realized I was on the verge of hyperventilating. _No, no Chizuru, remember. Everything is gonna be all right_. Yeah. All right. I gripped my bag and got on the train.

Surprisingly he didn't live very far away from my house, just three stops in the opposite direction from the Hakuouki Academy. I wondered how was it that I had never seen him on the train. Maybe his schedules were different from mine. But... that day I saw him with Saito senpai. Did that mean... he was on the same train?

A cold sweat ran down my spine. How could it be that I had never seen him? Trains were big, of course, he didn't have to be on the same train car as Saito senpai and I but... it itched me somehow.

The stop for his house arrived and I got down. It was a part of the city I had never visited, not a residential area, but flats of five and six stories. They weren't very old but had the look of not being taken care well of.

I finally arrived at his square. The hand holding my phone trembled. I checked his address again and breathed deeply. It was nothing, nothing at all.

Fourth floor. I walked the hall and stopped before his door. I wanted very much to run away. Suddenly the thought of running away seemed plausible. Yeah, to hell with it all, I mean, what could he do? So what if he told Saito senpai? I mean, he'd just probably shrug it off and it wouldn't have any consequences. Probably he'd not even know my face. I'd just have to be more careful and avoid following him. Little by little stop seeing him, following him... I'd never see him again.

No. I couldn't do that. The thought of not seeing him again was... too much. I bit my lip and gripped my fists. I breathed and ringed.

The seconds ticked so slow for a moment I thought nobody was home. But with a metallic clang I heard the door open, and then saw his face.

And suddenly I was not scared anymore. I didn't even know why I was scared in the first place.

Okita senpai was a mystery to me, a puzzle. One moment his eyes shined with mischief, another I could see a predating light in them, and then, as now, I saw in them a gentleness that scared me. It scared me because... I trusted them. I trusted the eyes of this man I didn't know.

"Welcome, Chizuru chan."

"Hello, Okita senpai."

He smiled and I entered his house.

"Itsureshima...su."

There were just one pair of shoes at the entrance. Now I panicked. I tried to ask nonchalantly, so panic was not noticeable in my voice.

"Are- Are you alone today, Okita senpai?"

He tilted his head and looked at me with an emotion I couldn't decipher.

"I live alone."

I felt blood leaving my head. Well, no. Going to his house, fine, but being _alone _in his house, that was just over the top.

"Let me explain, would you?"

His voice was gentle like that day at the rooftop, when I had my eyes closed. And his eyes again drew me in. Why, _how _did he do this...?

I took off my shoes and followed him.

"Please sit down."

He signaled the small table in the center of the room. The house was small but cozy enough taking into account he lived alone. It was clean but it sure felt like he had very little belongings. It was as if this house was a temporary lodging.

"Tea is fine?"

"Ah, yes. Thank you."

I nodded awkwardly as I sat down, a bit ashamed for looking around his house.

He started to heat the water in a teapot. I could see his back from where I seated. The kitchen was small too, but he managed well. Soon a sweet smell filled my nose. He came back with two cups of tea.

"Sugar?"

"Tha-thank you."

It smelled very good.

"It's a mix of herbs, it has some cinnamon and ginger."

"It's delicious."

He smiled. As I was heating my hands in the cup, looking at its contents he sighed.

"I am an orphan, to somehow call it."

I skipped a breath. He smiled a bitter smile.

"My only relative alive is married and living her own life, so I am on my own since I was thirteen."

"You live alone since then?"

I couldn't mask the surprise in my voice.

"Well, at least I have an allowance. But yeah, basically I've been living alone since she married. As orphans we receive a pay, but only until we come to the age of 18. I'm almost there, so I'm trying my best to find a job after school and make some earnings. This house too, probably will be too expensive to pay for me."

I didn't know what to say. I was really shocked.

"Oh but we didn't come here to talk about me, did we?"

He changed his mood incredibly quick but I was too shocked to respond. He sighed.

"It's okay, I don't need pity."

I stared at him offended.

"I don't pity you."

He rose his eyebrows.

"Oh, is that so? Then why are you looking at me like this?"

"I..."

It was difficult to put it into words, but I tried.

"I've been sheltered until now, I never thought about having to live on my own or having to cope with being alone. And even when I felt alone, or when I missed my mother, I thought that, even with just my father and my brother, even if they were far, I was fine. But not having someone you could rely with when you felt like needing it, something like this... you must be a very strong person, Okita senpai."

He stared at me, surprise clear in his eyes. He then cleared his throat and finished his cup in one gulp, then looked at mine.

"Are you done?"

I realized my hands were still feeling the warmth of the cup from which I had barely sipped.

"Ah, um... not yet."

"We are not in a hurry, so..."

The silence turned awkward. Had I offended him? I stole a look at him. And regretted it immediately; the way he was looking at me gave me goosebumps all over. His eyes were... so intense I quickly turned my attention to the cup and started drinking it.

When I finally finished my tea, Okita senpai sat again in the table.

"So."

He looked at me expectantly.

"Where shall we start with?"

I gulped nervously.

"We-well, I really don't know, my friend Sen chan made me painfully aware yesterday that I _literally _knew nothing."

Just as I said this I realized I may have been a little too honest with him. I mean, I didn't even know what he wanted from me or _anything _from the matter, though after this small talk I felt the distance had been closed in heaps from the first impression I had of him. He eyed me curiously.

"_Nothing_?"

I blushed and took out of the bag a notebook and a pen.

"I- I brought this just in case-"

"Oh my god, are you for real?"

He stared at me disbelieving.

"Did you really bring pen and paper?"

I stared at him completely confused and bothered.

"Didn't you say you were going to teach me?"

"I can't believe they still exist."

"What?"

"Innocent girls."

I wanted to throttle him. He laughed amused, trying to muffle his laugh with his hand but failing. Even as I was annoyed his laughter was starting to be contagious and I didn't want to laugh too, so I tried to hit him with the pencil case, but he gripped it extremely quickly. His smile turned mischievous.

"Ohh I knew it; feisty. But you know I am in the kendo club, don't you?"

I pouted. True, he had quick reflexes, I'd give him that.

Then I was aware. Our hands were very close as we gripped the pencil case; no, what was worst, our faces were incredibly close! We were at one head distance, and I quickly released the pencil case and went backwards a little.

"S- sorry."

I couldn't look at him. But I heard him snicker.

"I'm glad you feel comfortable finally."

I looked at him. Again, that gentle smile, again those gentle eyes. It was true. With him, even with all the typical nervousness of him being from the opposite sex, I could speak and interact. I was... mildly comfortable.

It was so strange... I tried to put these feeling of uneasiness and being comfortable at the same time into words, find it somehow, but I couldn't. I wasn't comfortable enough as if he was a girl friend or close family, but not uneasy enough as if he was a stranger, or another one of the boys.

Okita senpai made me confused as nobody had ever. His actions, his expressions... it was as if I was being drawn into something dangerous but alluring. I was... too curious not to wonder what was he. Who he was.

"Okay, let's start with the basics."

He spoke, his voice serious but his eyes playful. It was exactly as I had said; I trusted him but not enough I wasn't wary of him. It was very frustrating.

"For example; boys apart from that of your family. Boy friends?"

I wondered if he counted. Then I wondered why in hell I'd consider him a friend. I denied with my head.

"Mmm then, never sat next to one?"

"... At class."

"No, I mean as in _close_. Next to each other, not each one in their table."

"No, never."

"Okay, then we have to make you used to it. We will simulate boyfriend - girlfriend situations."

Before I could ask what the hell did he mean, he sat next to me, our legs and arms almost touching. Instinctively I leaned in the opposite direction, blushing out of pure embarrassment.

"You are too close."

"If we were dating, there would not be something like _too _close, it would never be close enough."

He said this with an alluring and mischievous voice, implying something - I just knew it - but I didn't know _exactly _what.

"Yeah, I... get it. But _we _are not dating, and you are _too _close."

"You need to see yourself into the situation. Acting, remember? We are dating. Imagine _I am _Hajime kun."

"As if; that is impossible."

For some reason he smiled pleased as if I had just complimented him.

"You need to try. Close your eyes if it helps."

I sighed. After taking another look at Okita senpai looking at me expectantly, I closed my eyes and steadied my body. With my eyes closed I breathed and felt I could relax somehow, the pressure that this trial was imposing on me somehow lessened. And as I kept them closed I could feel the rest of the things that usually would have pass unnoticed because I'd be relying on my sight. I could listen to our breaths, I could almost feel Okita senpai's body heat. I was extremely aware at that moment of how close he was. As if, while my eyes were closed, the small gap between us had somehow been closed even more. As if his skin and mine were almost touching. It made my hair stand and I shivered. But it was not a displeasing feeling, more like... anticipation maybe? I was feeling so strange I felt I needed to open my eyes and check if he had really closed the distance between us. I tentatively and slowly opened my eyes. He was looking at me, his wolfish smile and his beautiful eyes. With the light filtering through the curtains of the room the sight was somehow... breathtaking. Okita senpai was very handsome. But not just one feature of him, I was suddenly drawn to him, all of him. I wanted to check... if his skin was smooth to the touch as I imagined, if his hair was soft and his lips were...

I lost balance. I had not been aware I had been leaning towards him! In slow motion I saw myself falling towards him, and Okita senpai put his hands in my shoulders and supported me.

"Are you okay Chizuru chan?"

There was not a single hint of concern in his voice, just plain mischief. I bashfully and furiously blushed and then quickly separated myself from him.

"Ye- yeah sorry, I eh... was too much into it."

"Uhmmm what were you thinking?"

I could hear the playfulness in his voice, feel his eyes on me while I could not even look at him. He was enjoying every moment of this. Probably even my ears were red. I shuttered.

"I- I was thinking of Saito senpai."

What a dark lie. I realized it as I said it. I had _not _been thinking in Saito senpai at all. And I felt angry, and bothered, and confused and ashamed. I had been leaning towards Okita senpai! What was wrong with me?

I heard him scoff and turned to him, even though my face was red but I was too angry to care.

"What are you laughing about?"

"I am not laughing."

He was completely unrepentant. I was furious. I didn't know exactly why or at what, but I felt as if I could just throw a tantrum and break something. I needed air. Now. I woke from the floor and went to the door.

"Oi, where are you-"

"TOILET!"

I ran away, got inside the bathroom, closed the door with a slam and closed the latch. I tried to calm but I couldn't. His face kept popping in my head, his green eyes drawing me closer to him, like magnets. I could not understand a single thing, I could not make a coherent thought of what was going on with my head, or my body for the matter. I was hot. I was not sweating but my body felt hot, my skin felt hot and I thought my clothes were too warm. I felt like I needed a really cold shower.

He knocked on the door.

"Chizuru chan?"

I didn't even know how to answer. Suddenly I was extremely ashamed for having run off.

"Come on, get out, I'm not going to do anything to you. I'm sorry 'kay?"

I breathed deeply. And opened the door.

"S- sorry Okita senpai..."

I couldn't look at him.

"Don't fret about it. My fault, I was going too quick."

His voice was nonchalant but I appreciated the gentleness and concern. I looked at him and he gave me a warm smile. Damn. I felt I was blushing again.

"Shall we finish the class for today?"

"Already?"

Then he smiled mischievously.

"Oh, you mean you want to continue where we left it?"

I didn't even know where was it that we had left it, but I felt I wasn't ready enough not only to ask but also to continue. I vehemently denied with my head.

He scoffed.

"Okay then. Otsukaresama desu. Good job for today, Chizuru chan."

He patted my head and it felt strangely comfortable.

"Tha- thank you..."

I took my things and he walked me to the door.

"Alright, we'll see on Monday at school."

"Umm."

It was still difficult to look at him.

"Ah, don't worry about the rooftop, tomorrow will be our day off."

I was startled and looked at him. Nothing in his features had changed, he was not joking.

"Oh. Okay."

"Well then, have a nice day today."

"You- you too, Okita senpai. Ah, and thanks... thanks for today!"

I bowed awkwardly. He snickered.

"You are welcome."

As I was walking towards the station I wondered why was it that I was feeling so disappointed for having the day off tomorrow...


	4. chapter 4: rash decisions

Hello dear readers, how is it going?Thanks for your reviews, you are great :33

Here's chapter four, I hope you like it, this story is going to give you all kind of teasing feelings and hopefully you'll enjoy it ;)

Disclaimer: same old, I don't own Hakuouki nor any of its characters.

* * *

><p>Before I knew it it was Tuesday and it had been two days since I last looked at the picture of Saito senpai in my phone.<p>

I realized it while I was searching for the picture I took to the crêpes to pass it to Sen chan before the first class started.

"What's wrong Chizuru?"

"Ah, um, nothing! Here it is."

* * *

><p>Yesterday had passed in a blur. It had been, frankly speaking, a bridge day. Before I realized, it was over. I overslept and almost missed the train. When I reached the station I barely caught a glimpse of Saito senpai, and when we got in the train I couldn't find a place in the train car from where I could see him well. Worst even, when we got down I lost him among the crowd. First time in my life I had lost him in a crowd of people; I always managed not only to find him, but also to follow his steps.<p>

By the time I reached class I was so frustrated Sen chan realized. Classes went by in a blur, we ate inside because it was too cold to eat outside anymore, and after that, I found out the kendo practice would be held on close doors because of the cold.

I saw not senpai after that. I had no way to stay and wait, and besides it was our day off. There was no rooftop, and probably, I thought, it would be extremely cold from now onwards to meet there. We were almost in November. Weather had been merciful, but clearly not anymore.

So when I finally reached home all I wanted was to curl under the covers and sleep. I wanted the day to end. I wanted tomorrow to come quick. So I could see him. So I could see...

* * *

><p>I scrambled on my chair and startled Sen chan. She looked around the class and then whispered to me.<p>

"Seriously Chizuru chan, what's going on with you today?"

I was freaking out. Very much. Because yesterday all I thought was that I wanted today to come and see senpai, but at the same time I also wanted to see Okita senpai. I wanted to see... him.

I was mental, that was it. Completely crazy. Had I seen Saito senpai today? I rewinded. Yes... I think I had. I mean, I had, right? If so why was it that I hadn't it burned on fire in my mind? Any other day it would have brightened the start of my day, seing him was my rutine, what marked the beginning of the day and then its end, what made my day... worthy.

Oh my god. I had not even noticed. What was I thinking? What could I have possibly been thinking about not to pay attention to Saito senpai today at the station, at the train?

"- zuru chan? Chizuru chan?"

I snapped.

"Eh?"

Sen chan was looking at me with the most concerned look I had ever seen her wear. Then she rose her hand.

"Sorry sensei, but Yukimura is not feeling well, can I get her to the nurse's office?"

We left the classroom and entered the nurse's office. It was empty.

"Now,"

She made me sit on the bed and then pushed my shoulders down until I was laying on it.

"tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong."

"Don't even try lying to me. You were so pale for a moment I thought you'd collapse."

Was I? She sighed.

"Yesterday you didn't tell me anything, but something happened on Sunday, didn't it?"

I felt myself blush involuntarily.

"As much as I appreciate and relieves me to see colour coming back to your face, it worries me as much more. Now, spill it."

"No... it has nothing to do with... Sunday."

It had nothing to do, _mostly_. She stared at me disbelievingly.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Then what?"

I bit my lip - I mean, it was absurd, but...

"I... missed Saito senpai today."

She made an expectant face, as if urging me to go on.

"I missed him at the station and at the train. Well, not miss but... I couldn't recall if I had really seen him today or I was remembering any other day. By the time I realized it I was there and I don't recall paying attention to him. At all."

Sen chan lifted an eyebrow. Clearly she was missing my point.

"You see I always... pay attention to him. I always know where he is, I can find him in a crowd but today- today I couldn't! And until I saw his picture on the phone I didn't realize! I... what is wrong with me?"

"... Everything."

She snapped with a frustrated voice. She then sighed and sat in bed with me. I was on the verge of tears.

"I can see you are frustrated and confussed. Okay, breathe. Calm down."

I tried to do as she said.

"Listen, and don't freak out or get angry, okay? Could it be... that he was just a crush?"

I didn't understand what she was saying. She understood and kept on.

"A crush, a temporary infatuation. It's often described it as a platonic love. But a love where lovers don't interactuate is bound to vanish. Could it be you are already feeling less attached to him?"

I gaped at her. That was absurd! I knew I lo-

I stared at her horrified. Was I in love? Was that love? Or did I just like him? Or- or... what was it. I started to panic again, all my molds being broken.

"I- I need to see him!"

"Calm down, Chizuru chan."

"But! If I don't see him I-"

"Okay, I understand. You are confussed, it's fine. We will go and see him."

Then I stopped and thought.

"But... how? We are supposed to be in the middle of class, and so are they..."

"Ohh let me show you, my little padawan. Sen sama has a plan."

* * *

><p>Sen <em>sama<em>'s plan was, of course, sneaking. She was stealthy as I'd never seen anyone. I was jealous of her graceful movements; if I had been that graceful from the beginning I wouldn't have been caught stalking Saito senpai by he-who-must-not-be-named.

We crossed the crystal covered walkway that connected the two buildings and crouching, started to approach his class.

"Um... Sen chan, I don't know which class he is in..."

"Don't worry, we'll find it in a mo-"

"You- What are you doing here?"

We turned around and saw Okita senpai looking at us completely surprised. This was not going well, goddamnit! The one I wanted to see was Saito senpai, why was it that he always appeared in the middle? Sen chan hissed at him.

"And you, what are _you _doing in the hallway, shouldn't you be in class?"

But before he could speak we heard the ring and conmotion in the classes.

"Damn it."

Okita senpai cursed and then swiftly took me by the hand- or so I thought he was going to do, but in the last moment he took me by the wrist- and moved us to the nearest empty classroom. We hid there.

"Just what are y-"

"Shhh"

He silenced Sen chan with his hand in her mouth and looked from the keyhole. She slamed it away without rondabouts.

"Are we going to get caught...?"

I whispered. He turned and winked at me.

"Don't worry, next period nobody is using this class."

"Yeah right, because you know everyone's schedules."

Sen chan retorted in a mocking voice. He just smirked.

"I do."

"You better; if someone caught us here, rumors about your reputation would be flying over the roof."

"I'd be a hero."

I snickered and Sen chan looked at me surprised. I bit my lip. She glared at Okita senpai.

"I think Chizuru chan is not aware of what you mean."

"Are you gonna spoil her fun? What a bad friend."

"You are a delinquent by all definitions. Now, look for a way to get us away from here."

"Yes ma'am."

I tugged at Sen chan's sleeve.

"What did he mean?"

"I'll tell you later."

"I'd be a hero to be found wooing two kohais in the same room, basically."

His voice was mischievous and I felt my face and ears blush.

"There, you did it. Now someone will find us because we have a red lantern here."

"Aww but it's cute."

This back and forth Sen chan and Okita senpai were having was both ludicrous and funny but I was starting to feel really anxious.

"Let me make a call."

"Oh yeah, please call the SWAT."

"Almost."

He dialed and his phone ringed three tones before someone picked it.

"Hey, Heisuke? Yeah, yeah, I know. Hijikata sensei is gonna kill me."

I gulped. Oni sensei was looking for him. If he found us we were done.

"Look, I need a favour. Yeah, I'll pay it. Be quick, I need you to distract him on the other side of the hallway, we need some seconds of conmotion. Yeah, I said we. You don't care who we are, just do it, kay? Thanks."

He hung.

"It's done."

"My goodness, you even have a gang."

"Oh don't be such a saint, Sen san, I had already heard of you before Chizuru chan met you."

She glared at him. I was pretty confussed.

"Umm..."

"You'll tell her later, or would you prefer I tell her now?"

She could be killing him right now if looks could kill. She scowled and turned her face away from him.

"Later. Now get us away from here."

Okita senpai smiled. Then we heard it.

"TOUDOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hijikata sensei's Oni voice.

"Time to flee."

Okita senpai opened the door and griping my wrist again, led us away from the hallway into the common areas. There we finally breathed.

"Gods, what an adventure."

Sen chan looked at me displeased.

"Please Chizuru chan don't laugh his jokes or he'll make more."

Okita senpai was leaning against the stairs' rail.

"So, are you gonna tell me what were you doing in our building or what?"

All mirth left my face. There was no way I could tell him I was there to stalk Saito senpai, _yet again_. I was so embarrased I'd have preferred Hijikata sensei had caught us.

"I wanted to see you, but Chizuru chan insisted I shouldn't and she followed me."

I froze when I heard Sen chan. I gaped at her, completely bewildered, but she just stood between Okita senpai and I. And then he smirked.

"Oh, and what bussiness did you have with me, Sen san?"

"I want you to leave her alone."

I tugged at her shirt but she didn't pay me any attention.

"I think she can fend for herself, but well, anyway I don't see how this concerns you."

"The hell it does not. She is my friend and you are molesting her."

Molesting was a very strong word. I tugged stronger from her sleeve and she just turned briefly to glare at me. I flinched.

"I don't see her very displeased with the current circumstamces."

"She's not the kind to complain."

"As I said, if she wants me to leave her alone, she could very well be telling me."

"And I told you I-"

"Okay please stop both of you."

I spoke, my voice trembling a bit, but I tried to be as firm as possible. I knew why Sen chan was doing this, I knew she wanted to protect me, and I was really grateful for it, but this same thing she was doing, my brother did it too and she called it _sheltering _me. I didn't want anybody to shelter me anymore. I wanted to make my own decissions, even if they were mistakes. And I needed to learn what I didn't know.

"Chizuru chan..."

Sen looked at me worriedly. I just smiled at her reassuranly.

"It's okay Sen chan."

I looked at Okita senpai and bowed to him.

"Please take care of me."

And with it, I took Sen chan's hand and ran away from there. A few meters away though, out of his sight, I almost slumped, my legs trembling.

"Chizuru chan!"

I breathed. Okay, just some seconds to calm down.

"Sen chan... please, don't interfere."

"Chizuru chan, the messages you are giving me are very contradictory."

"I'm sorry, but... about this, about Okita senpai and I... I want to... decide myself."

She just stared at me, and then knitted her brows.

"You are not gonna like this, but I'll tell anyway. Okita senpai is the reason you are thinking less and less about Saito senpai."

I stared at her blankly.

"I really have no idea how you reached such nonsense."

"It's not a nonsense Chizuru chan. He is occupying your time, he's trouble and you like it! He's bringing you into something new and exhiliarating and you are letting yourself go with the flow. And, all he says he can teach you, I can also tell you. About boys and dating, I have the experience. So, don't go anymore. Please."

Well, it was... logical enough. I mean, it made sense... somehow. He was like a magnet attracting me to him, I could feel it, but... maybe I didn't want to resist whatever that was. I felt very strange. As if I knew the kettle was going to burn because someone had told me, but I wanted to touch it to see if it was true. It was absolutely stupid, but...

"Why are you... so intent, Sen chan?"

"You worry me, Chizuru chan. I'm scared you go from 0 to 100 in a second. You know."

"I don't."

She sighed.

"Wolves."

"Oh."

"Please, Chizuru chan."

"I..." I knew i was going to sound super stupid, but I had to try. "I trust him."

She looked at me, concern in her eyes.

"For real."

"Yeah. I trust Okita senpai."

"What _exactly _makes you trust him?"

"I... I don't know. But I do."

She sighed again, and put her hand in her eyes.

"I don't want to say 'I told you' if something goes wrong, but, if something _starts _to go wrong, don't hesitate: call me. I'm here to help you, Chizuru chan."

I smiled.

"Thank you very much Sen chan."

"My gods... is this what having a daughter is like? I want boys."

We laughed.

After our little escapade returning to class was a real feat, with the nurse looking for us and the teacher absolutely worried. Later on we found someone had used an extinguisher in a hallway of the last years' building and caused a ruckus, and that Hijikata sensei had almost flipped out.

I made sure to remember to thank and apologise to that boy Okita senpai had called.

* * *

><p>"Isn't it cold enough to change the sport's uniform already? If we run on these culottes we are gonna freeze to death!"<p>

Sen chan complained as we were changing our clothes in the gym.

"Well, it's indoors, so..."

"Yeah, I know, but. Just looking outside at the fallen leaves and cloudy sky makes me shiver."

I agreed. At least our school had installations indoors, so in the cold months or when it rained we could practice. Sen chan didn't consider it an advantage, though. If we hadn't this installations we'd be able to skip classes, she said. I nodded; PE wan't my most favourite subject either.

We went out of the changing rooms and reunited with the rest of the classes our age. Kaoru waved at me from his class group and I waved back. Some boys started to pat his back and tell him something, but he glared at them and they retreated. Sen chan snickered.

"Mother hen..."

Today we had volleyball match. Harada sensei split us in teams and unfortunately Sen chan and I ended up in different teams. I looked over my brother's team and he showed me his thumb before concentrating in his service.

"Good luck Sen chan!"

"Yup! May the best win!"

We were playing, having a good time, when Nagakura sensei came in and told something to Harada sensei. Immediatly he stopped the game.

"Kids, I have to go for a moment, but I'll be back as soon as possible. Meanwhile try to behave, okay?"

"Ehhh but why are you going Harada sensei?"

"What is it, Nagakura sensei?"

People started to question them. I was curious too; Nagakura sensei was a tutor in last grade, we almost never saw him here, and that he came to look for Harada sensei... maybe something personal? Then I heard it. He didn't even say it loud enough, but I happend to listen to it as they passed by my side towards the door.

"Is it serious?"

"Well, he almost broke his wrist with his bokken, so..."

A bokken. Kendo. Had- had something happened to Okita senpai?

"Chizuru chan?"

Today was going to be the day of the stupidities, it seemed, but I didn't care. I ran towards the door they had left by and the last thing I knew, Sen chan was shouting at me.

It was cold outside, the wind chilling my legs and arms, and my throat burning. But I had to see it, I had to go. When I reached the kendo dojo my nose and ears were red and they hurt. I peeped out and saw a conmotion, but could not distinguish anything. It seemed as if there had been a brawl, sticks and stuff tossed around. I wondered what had happened.

"You are gonna freeze to death out here."

That voice. It didn't even startle me as much as it did before, but as always, Okita senpai had managed to sneak close to me without me noticing.

"What are you doing here?"

I didn't even think. I hugged him tight. He stumbled and stammered.

"Wha-what are you doing?"

"I'm glad you are alright!"

"Me!?"

I nodded

"I am fine, ah... thanks to you my body heat won't be lost, though."

I promptly separated from him. My face burned up until my ears. Then I felt something covering me.

"Hora, put this on, I don't want you to catch a cold on me."

He had given me his sweatshirt and was zipping it with my arms pinned to my body.

"Ah- It's- it's allright Okita senpai I can-"

"Seriously, you are a kid..."

"I'm not!"

I don't know why I retorted with such annoyance, but I did. It angered me that he called me kid. He was surprised for a moment, then grinned playfully again.

"Okay, okay. So, what are you doing here, on your... "

He eyed me appreciatively and I felt very much observed.

"...gym clothes?"

I stammered and used his sweatshirt to try and cover me.

"I- I heard from Harada sensei that someone had been injured and..."

"You thought it had been Hajime kun?"

"No, of course not."

I said it so seriously he almost gaped at me.

"I already know how strong he is; there is no way he could have been injured. You on the other hand..."

"ME!?"

He stared at me, his voice and features clearly offended. Okay, I had not been very diplomatic.

"I'll take it as you've never seen me practice. I'm on level with Hajime kun, much to your dissapointment."

"UH? You are?"

"I'm being seriously offended here, Chizuru chan."

"I am sorry..."

Then he suddenly chuckled and looked at me mischievously.

"Oh well, but you said you came here worried about me..."

DAMN.

"Thank you, Chi-zu-ru chan."

I blushed madly.

"N- no, I mean..."

"But really, you should go inside, it's damn cold here and you are poorly dressed. Furthermore, I don't want other boys to see you like that."

"Uh? But our school is almost all boys, only in my class there is a proportion of more than-"

"I know, I know, but that doesn't mean I like the idea any more, okay?"

I gaped at him bewildered. What had he meant?

"Umm, Okita senpai your sweatshirt-"

"It's okay, you can keep it until you reach the gym; you'll return it to me any other time, now go!"

Clearly in a hurry he entered the kendo dojo and closed the door. I stood there, completely fazed. And finally, slowly snapping out of it, returned tot he gym. The sweatshirt Okita senpai had lent me was warm, probably because he had been wearing it, and smelled a bit of him, though not sweaty, probably because he'd been wearing it until now... he didn't wear his kendo clothes, though... did that mean the brawl was something personal between boys regardless of the kendo? Maybe they just used the bokkens to fight without protections and that happened... Well, I should have asked Okita senpai but I was just too happy to see he was... alright?

I wanted to hit my head against a wall.

YET AGAIN. What was wrong with me? Why had I ran desperately, without second thoughts, towards the dojo? Why did the idea of Okita senpai getting hurt made me do this? I couldn't understand a single thing...

I entered the gym but nobody was there; probably they had been dismissed to their classrooms by another teacher as Harada sensei was not yet back. Not even Sen chan was here. I sighed and went to the changing room to put on my uniform.

In my locker she had left a post-it,

"We are in class, but  
>WHAT THE HELL CHIZURU CHAN!?<br>We need to talk.  
>MAMA."<p>

I snickered. Yeah, obviously, I had worried her. I figured it would not be an easy talk. I was going to take off the sweatshirt but somehow ended up cuddling in it for a bit, breathing on his sweet smell.

Okita senpai's smell.


	5. chapter 5: under an umbrella

helloo! here is chapter 5, and this time I FINALLY GOT TO WRITE HAJIMEEEEEE xD I know I know, I am late, though it's a little bit only, as I said on Tumblr Souji kept stealing the show, but finally other characters such family and friends make appearence. Let's hope for the best ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own hakuouki nor any of its characters.

ps: I'm naughty, but that I'm leaving for the next chapter muahaha.  
>ps2: Souji keeps stealing the show and he wins. damn teaser...<p>

* * *

><p>So, today was going to be one of these days.<p>

It was not that I hated rainy days, but I really, _really _hated rainy days like this. Windy, cold, and rainy. But what was worst was that it was raining, heavily, and the wind had blown away my umbrella that morning. I thought it would stop by the end of the day, but it didn't. Rain kept falling mercilessly and here I was, waiting by the lockers and looking at the sky begging for a truce.

* * *

><p>The past two days had been hectic, between mock exams in preparation for the second term tests and then all the ruckus caused by the fight at the kendo club. The principal, Kondo san, even thought about closing it temporaryly as a counter meassure, not as a punishing one, but somehow the members and even the guys involved in the fight asked forgiveness and the issue was left aside. Yesterday I could see Saito senpai and Okita senpai talking with Nagakura sensei and Kondou san in the hallway, and for what I could see, Okita senpai and Saito senpai were both respected and admired by their kendo classmates, to the point of being appointed as representatives in their name.<p>

Of course, during these two days there was no roof meeting. What there had been though, on regular basis, had been mails between Okita senpai and I.

Today too, first thing in the morning before my alarm ringed, I received a mail.

_"__From: Okita senpai_

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_(o￣▽￣)oﾊﾛｰChizuru chaaan_  
><em>sorry sorry, I did wake you, ne?<em>  
><em>It is finally Friday!<em>  
><em>Ah, you heard right? <em>  
><em>Kondou san has allowed us to practice<em>  
><em>kendou again! He is the best!<em> _(＾▽＾)／_  
><em>"<em>

I smiled at his mirth. I sat on the bed and looked out of the window. The pit patter of the rain last night had been pleasant, but not anymore. It was falling relentlessly. I texted him back.

_"From: Yukimura Chizuru_

_To: Okita senpai_

_RE: (｡･ω･)ﾉﾞgood morning Okita senpai_  
><em>I'm glad Kondou san has approved.<em>  
><em>it's thanx to your good work, I'm proud.<em>  
><em>Ps: it's raining, bring an umbrella.<em>

"

I got up and started getting dressed. Finally rainy days had come, but even thought that meant Christmas was closer it was depressing to wake up and just see rain. I got downstairs and found Kaoru arranging the plates.

"Oh Chizuru, good morning."

"Good morning Kaoru."

"Lately you've been waking up earlier than usual, something happened?"

Okita senpai's mails happened; I never thought he'd be the morning type person, but he must be awake a lot before me, thus this last days he had woken me up before my alarm clock could.

I looked at the table. Only two sets.

"Is papa away?"

"More like he didn't come back... yet again."

I sighed worriedly. Really, they were going to have him spent, but he was an adult, maybe he should look after his health a little more.

"Oh yeah, Chizuru, I wanted to ask you..."

"Mmh?"

Kaoru started to ask me while I was munching my toast.

"Do you know the kendo representatives?"

I almost choked. Kaoru patted my back.

"S-sorry, wrong way. Yes, I know... well, I've heard of. What about them?"

"Nothing really, just that people say you are seen usually speaking with one of them... what was his name again?"

I felt blood leaving my head. No, no, no. The last thing I needed in my life were rumors.

"Ah, but it's nothing! I mean, it's because I uh... you see I always eh... liked videogames, right? And samurai videogames and stuff, so this got me interested."

For the first thing coming to mind, it wasn't that much a pathetic excuse. Kaoru stared at me.

"Oh. And?"

"...And?"

AND WHAT.

"If you found something interesting."

For god's sake Kaoru stop this!

"Y-yeah, most of the techniques in videogames are based on real moves."

Nailed it.

"Ah, interesting."

"Ye- yeah right?"

He shrugged and started having breakfast as if everything had been solved while I felt as if I could not be able to take another bite ever again, my stomach closed.

* * *

><p>Today I had absolutely no excuse not to go with Kaoru to the station, so we went together. Rain poured lightly compared to last night. I hoped it stopped soon. Just as we were turning the last corner a blast of wind attacked us unexpectantly. Kaoru, as the good boy he was, put himself before me with his umbrella as a shield. That would have covered damages, but unfortunately, my umbrella went flying.<p>

I stared astonished as it has turned completely backwards. Kaoru bursted out laughing.

"I- it's not funny Kaoru!"

"Oh my gosh sis, it was amazing! I thought you'd end up flying too! Woah."

I took my umbrella from the ground. Completely broken. Great. Kaoru covered me with his.

"What now? I can't go back or buy another one, I don't have time."

"Mmm today I have to stay in the committee meeting, if you don't mind waiting I can walk you to the station too, and we can come back together."

"Really!? Oh Kaoru thank you!"

I hugged my brother. He just awkwardly patted my head.

"Yosh, yosh, no need."

We arrived at the train station and as he went recharge his pass, I looked around hopelessly, sure to have missed him. I was already feeling depressed when my personal therapy appeared in my line of sight. Saito senpai. There he was, reading a book as always, his umbrella perfectly fine. He was even lucky - or I was extremely clumsy. I smiled unwarded. I had missed... this. Even in this gray day he really lifted my spirits.

"Done sis!"

I looked away from him startled. Kaoru was back and stood next to me. Well, not a chance of stalking today, but at least I had seen him.

The train was crowded; rainy days made people who usually walked or used bikes use the train, and I was already feeling claustrophobic.

"Don't worry sis, I'm making barrier; nobody will be able to push you if I'm next to you!"

He stated proudly. I smiled at my reliable brother. But he spoke a bit soon; the doors opened and a flow of people went in and out, and suddenly I saw my brother being hauled by the current of people.

I extended my arm and he did too, as if this was a movie, but he ended up in the other side of the car. I snickered at his extremely annoyed face. I muted to him 'I am fine' but he was buying none of it. Well, we were near the stop for the hakuoki academy, so...

Another stop. I saw him try to follow the flow of people going out, and then someone bumped into me and I lost my footing.

Just before I fell, a hand supported me by my elbow.

"Woah, thanks Kao... ru..."

Saito senpai. Saito senpai was supporting me. His hand. My arm. Okay, I was dead and gone to heaven right? Maybe I bumped my head and now was uncosncious in the train. Yeah that must be it.

"Are you okay Yukimura san?"

I gaped in a very non lady like manner at him. HE KNEW MY NAME!

I recovered quickly, my blush covering my face.

"Ye-yea, tha-thank you Saito senpai..."

His grip on me tightened for a moment and then he released me, turning his head away.

"Well then, please be more careful from now on."

I watched as he made his way into the crowd. Then I saw a small commotion between people approaching me. Kaoru.

"Woah damn! It took me forever! Can you believe it? Oh, was that Saito senpai, from the kendo club? He is super nice, isn't he?"

I was left speechless. I could not react. He knew my name.

I was going to kill Okita senpai.

Finally our stop arrived and we got down, a flow of students appearing from other lines too and creating a mixture of laughs and conversations under umbrellas where I lost sight of Saito senpai. Then I heard a cheerful voice.

"Chizuru chaaan!"

I saw Sen chan as she approached me, her beautiful red Kyoto style umbrella completely healthy. She looked at Kaoru and I sharing an umbrella and then stared at mine. She muffled a laugh.

"My gosh, what has happened?"

"It wouldn't talk so we beat it down."

Kaoru replied nonchalatly. Sen chan snickered.

"And? How are you planning on going back if it doesn't stop raining?"

I sighed.

"I'll stay a bit later and go back with Kaoru."

"Hey what was that sigh for?"

"Haha what a reliable brother."

She stared at him cunningly, and he huffed.

"But really Chizuru chan, you can come back with me."

"Ah, that would be great but... the walk from the station until home I'd have the same problem."

"Oh, right."

We walked together until we reached the entrance of the Academy. With all this I hadn't seen Saito senpai after we got off the train, but who I did see, and he was going to dearly pay, was Okita senpai. Kaoru had finished taking off his shoes and was already going to class, as Sen was doing the same trying to keep balance.

"Alright, I'm going."

"Bye Kaoru kun, Chizu-"

"Excuse me a moment."

I walked straight ahead towards Okita senpai not minding Sen chan's confussed face, and stood next to him as he was taking off his shoes. As he saw me, his expression surprised, I didn't let him speak first.

"You told him!"

He stared at me complely bewildered.

"HA?"

"You told him! He knows my name!"

I hissed that last part. That seemed to make him realize what I was talking about. Then he looked at me annoyed.

"I told not!"

"Then how did he know my name!?"

I kept hissing and he did too.

"How would I know?"

"You are friends right?"

"We are not telepaths, you know!"

"Then how did he know?"

"I don't know, okay?"

I glared at him. It didn't look like he was lying. At this point we had already around us some people gossiping, and I felt my confidence slip. Damn, I'd let it get the best of me. Okita senpai sighed, put a hand on my head and turned me against him, then started walking in the direction of the hall.

"Okay, we are going."

"Uh?"

"Walk and don't talk."

Keeping me close to his body he got us out of the locker room and into the hallway. There he released my flustered self.

"Seriously, I didn't tell. I told you I wouldn't."

He looked a bit dissapointed on me. I was weak against that face. I pouted.

"I know. Sorry..."

He sighed dejectedly.

"What has happened?"

"Today at the train... he called my name."

Okita senpai squinted his eyes and made an 'I don't believe it' face. I knew; it was difficult to believe for me too.

"Well, he may aswell have heard it before, there are not that many girls here, and you are the only new one."

That made sense. I mean, he could know me, but not realize I was continuously stalking him. My tummy hurt again. I'd have to be careful from now on; if he had noticed me, there was no way I could keep following him... I must have been making a depressed face because Okita senpai coughed awkwardly and patted my head.

"There, there, don't worry."

I nodded. It was done already.

"Now, to class. You don't wanna be late, do you?"

He winked at me. Damn, when he was like this he was... I bit my tongue at the adjective about to come up in my mind. _Irresistible _was a word I didn't want to use on him.

Damn it.

I reunited with Sen chan in class just as the teacher came by the door.

"What was that about?"

"Tell you later."

"Mooo not fair. I'm curious now."

We laughed.

* * *

><p>At lunch time the cafeteria was crowded. Rainy days made people who usually ate outside reunite here, and the place bustled with activity.<p>

"Quick Chizuru chan, there is a free table over there!"

We promply sat dow.

"Woah, luckyyy I thought we'd have to eat out bentou stading on a corner."

I snickered.

"Hey, it happened to me once."

"Really?"

"It is a long story. But you have one more interesting to tell me, haven't you?"

Sen smiled slyly. I sighed and looked around, then motioned her to come closer.

"Saito senpai knows my name; he helped me in the train this morning."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?"

I hushed her. She smiled broadly.

"Ohh so he HAD noticed you."

"You say it as if it was good."

"It _is _good, Chizuru chan!"

"I kind of doubt it."

"You mean because you can't stalk him more?"

"Just what has that damn word you all want to use it!?"

I sat back annoyed. Sen just laughed apologetically.

"But it's great Chizuru chan! That means you can finally take a step forward; from the shadows into the action!"

"I don't want to!"

"Why would you _not _want to?"

She closed her arms and stared at me. I bit my lip.

"I almost had a heart attack when he touched me... I can't - I can't be near him, okay? It's too much!"

"_Seriously_."

"Seriously."

"What are you, diabetic and he is sugar?"

"Probably."

She put her hands up in the air.

"Well, up to you, but if it was me I'd definitely approach him."

"I admire you."

"Then follow my guidances lil' padawan."

She winked and I sighed. Not that easy.

"Oh by the way, are you up to Halloween next weekend? Did your father give you permission?"

"Yup, at first he was wary, but I told him I'd be going with you and then he accepted. Though I'm nervous, you know? I've never gone to a party with friends before, just the usual pumpkin faces and childish stuff in the boarding school."

"How boring your life must have been; worry not, Sen chan is here to add some spice."

I smiled. Really, she was amazing at lifting my spirits.

"Is that spot free?"

I recognized that voice before turning around.

Okita senpai and WOAH WHAT.

"Ara, hello Okita senpai, Toudou senpai, Saito senpai, what are you doing here?"

Sen chan just greeted them casually, but I was sure my face had lost all colour and I was about to faint.

"We study here."

Okita senpai answered nonchalantly.

"Is that spot free of not?"

Sen looked at me, and then a small grin appeared in her lips.

"Sure, sit down."

I couldn't believe it.

"It sure is crowded today, isn't it?"

That cheerful voice belonged to Toudo senpai. He sat next to me. Saito senpai sat in front of me, next to Sen chan, and Okita senpai sat next to me on the other side. I don't know for how long the silence had stretched, probably just some seconds, but time had lost meaning and it was driving me nuts; I had to say something. Whatever. Oh right.

"A- ah, you are um, Toudo senpai, right?"

He looked at me impressed and then smiled brightly and broadly, an incredibly happy smile.

"Yup, that's me."

"Thanks for the other d-"

Okita senpai covered my mouth. I stared at him astonished, but the rest of the faces in the table weren't short too of bewilderment. He wispered in my ear.

"Your identity in that day should be a secret, right? He doesn't know, so does _not _Hajime kun."

I understood. What an amazing blunder I was about to do!

I furiously blushed, which didn't help calm the rest of the people in the table.

"Woah Souji! Since when are you THAT close to this kohai!?"

"Hey, hey, release my friend _now_."

"Souji, that attitude is improper of a man."

He released me and grinned. The mood in the table relaxed considerably. Sen chan took out her bentou.

"WOAAAh damn, it looks super tasty!"

Toudo senpai was gawking at Sen chan's bentou arrangement, and she smiled proudly.

"Yup, my mom is an artist."

"Ohhh I thought it was your doing."

Okita senpai retorted cunninly. She glared at him. Todou senpai smiled awkwardly.

"Okay, okay but I'm sure she can cook really well, ne?"

Sen chan huffed proudly.

"Of course I can."

Something about Okita senpai's smile was eerie.

"And how is it you don't prepare your bentou, um?"

Oh damn. Sen chan smiled dangerously.

"I'm reserving my cooking for my boyfriend."

Toudo senpai muttered something like 'uuuuuuuuuuuuh' and I snickered. Toudou senpai looked at my bentou then.

"Does you mother also cook your ben-?"

Okita senpai stuffed a bread bun in Toudo's senpai mouth and looked at him threateningly.

"Chizuru chan's bentous are not your business."

I stared at him completely fazed. He had defended me from the question of my mother. I felt something warm and funny in my chest.

"Well, one way or the other it looks delicious. That shows great taste, Yukimura san."

I blushed at Saito senpai's compliment.

"I - I usually prepare it the night before with the left overs, as I am not much of a morning... person."

"Ohhh so you can cook? Can I try?"

Toudo senpai leaned on me. I felt really unconfortable. Suddenly Okita senpai's arm shot before me and pressed his face backwards.

"Heisuke, back down."

"Ehhh? Why?"

"You are clearly making her unconfortable."

Saito san had realized it too. I felt like blushing up to my ears.

"Chizuru chan, want to switch places?"

Sen chan looked at me worriedly. I denied.

"It is okay, thank you."

"We will make him behave."

Okita senpai smiled eerily. Saito senpai nodded. I snickered at Toudo senpai's pouting face.

The rest of the lunch passed quick, the mood being relaxed and funny. After the ring called us back to classes we saw off the senpais and as Sen chan and I went away, Okita senpai winked at me.

"Uhmmm."

Sen chan murmured near my ear; it made me shiver. She smiled mischievously.

"W- what?"

"Ah, nothing, I was just thinking how _nice _Okita senpai is, making it up for you after this morning."

I gaped. If it was true... well, I'd have to thank him thoroughly for this. Having lunch with Saito senpai has been not only fun but also helped me talk to him. I felt myself smile.

* * *

><p>Classes passed quickly, and in a blur, it was time to go home. Except, my bother had to stay for the committee meeting. I sighed. It was pouring.<p>

"Chizuru chan, want to come with me? We can buy another umbrella on the way."

"It's okay, I promised Kaoru."

"Yeah, but... waiting one hour and stuff. You'll get really bored."

"Don't worry, I have work to do; if I start now I have the rest of the afternoon to play videogames."

She snorted.

"Seriously, do something more feminine."

We laughed.

"Okay then, I'm going."

"See you tomorrow!"

"Bye bye Chizuru chan!"

Sen chan opened her beautiful umbrella and went away. I sighed.

"Grounded without umbrella?"

I jumped. Like seriously, was it necessary to always sneak behind me?

"Okita senpai, please. You'll kill me one of these days."

He just grinned. Then looked at my empty hands.

"What happened?"

"A blast of wind this morning and it was gone."

"Ummm, it will be greatly missed."

I snickered.

"Are you going home already Okita senpai?"

He seemed to be considering it for a moment. Then he looked at me and I saw something flicker in his eyes.

"Did you have a good time at lunch?"

Oh yeah, that! I bowed.

"Y- yeah! Thank you very much Okita senpai!"

He snickered.

"It was nothing. I'm glad you felt better."

These were the times he made me the most confussed. When he was gentle and caring, and his eyes were kind and his smile sweet. It made me lose myself on them and felt very funny. And then, again, as if he had a switch, his eyes turned playful and his smile teasing.

"But consider it something else you owe me, _slave_."

I sighed. He handed me a notebook.

"What is this?"

"I hate English. You went to good schools. Help me _teacher._"

I rolled my eyes.

"Count on it."

"_Sankyu_."

"You said it wrong."

He smiled playfully and then without warning he picked his things and went inside again.

He must still have things to do, it seemed. But today there was no kendo practice... I sighed again and looked at the notebook. His writing was not very neat but it was beautiful nevertheless. I found myself passing my fingers over it and quickly snapped the book shut.

"Yukimura san."

I froze. Very slowly I turned around.

"Ko- konbawa Saito senpai."

He just nodded.

Oh my god. Oh my GOD.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"Ah... yes, my brother Kaoru."

"Good sibiling relationships are a gift. I am glad to see you are such responsible person, Yukimura san."

I blushed at his compliment.

"Is he in the committee's meeting?"

I looked at him.

"Yes..."

"I have understood the meeting today will expand in time."

Oh really? Damn. Then I saw him fidget with his messenger bag's strap.

"I have also been ditched by my friend, so... shall I accompany you to the station?"

I gaped at him. He turned his head away.

"Of course that was too forward of me, please forgive my behaviour-"

"No! I mean, it would- it would be my pleassure. Thanks. Let me eh... inform my brother."

He nodded. I couldn't believe it. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!

I sent a mail to my bother and he answered curtly. If it was with senpai, he agreed. Woah. I'd have to buy another umbrella in a conbini but WHO CARED I MEAN.

"He says it's fine..."

"Good. Well then, Yukimura san..."

He opened his umbrella and stepped outside in the rain. I followed him. It was pouring but even with the wind the umbrella didn't budge. I stole glances at him but he kept his look on the front. I was so nervous I thought any moment my feet would forget how to walk and I'd fall down.

"Careful, a puddle."

"Oh! Thank you...!"

He was very aware of his surroundings. I smiled. Then I stole another glance at him and-

"S- Saito senpai! Your shoulder is soaking wet!"

"Ah, this. Nevermind, don't worry about it."

"But-!"

I bit my lip. I was awfully aware of what was happening. The umbrella could fit two people but only in close range. And I was not near enough, and he was using most of the umbrella to cover me. As happy as I was that he was so attentive, I felt incredibly guilty. I tried to approach him but I couldn't. There was no way I could... get closer to him. There was an arm of distance between us and I was already sweating and grinding my teeth. I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I hated myself.

We arrived at the station. And he folded his umbrella and handed it to me.

"... Eh?"

"Please take it."

"N- no way I can accept it! You'll get wet on your way home too!"

"Don't mind me, you can give it back next time. Besides today I have to take another train, so I can buy one on the way."

"B- but..."

I bit my lip and carefully took hold of his umbrella without touching his hand.

"Thank you."

I was too embarrased and angry at myself to look at him properly.

"Well then, I'm going. Take care, Yukimura san."

I lifted my head but he was already going to another platform. I bit my lip hard. I was pathetic. Utterly pathetic. My chance to get closer to him and what did I do? I couldn't even get near him. I wanted to cry...

* * *

><p>That night, finally alone in my room with the sound of the rain against my window and the darkness enveloping me, I decided I couldn't allow myself to keep curling into a ball of regrets and mysery. I had to move forward.<p>

I erased and rewrote the mail many times, until I finally send it and let myself fall on the bed.

_"From: Yukimura Chizuru_

_To: Okita senpai_

_Can we resume the tutoring classes?_

"


	6. chapter 6: scars

hello beautiful people, and thank you for keep on reading this story, and your reviews and support ;) I'd like to thank **missu **and specially **feliciatcb** for her positive criticism and support. You are the sweetest thing dear!

... now, to the apology part XD because this chapter is absolutely, completely OkiChi. YEAH. Sorry SaiChi people, I feel you, I already said in other stories I'm absolutely in love with Saito, so don't worry. I'm working on it. It's not a _keeps happening thing_, more like THIS IS VERY NECESSARY STORY AND PLOT WISE. Believe me, because** the whole point of this story is to show you how Chizuru cannot interact with boys and Okita _somehow_ is helping her**. So if you want her to be more comfortable around boys and Saito senpai, this needs to happen. Obviously, it will lead to _some other things_, but, that you'll see in the future. *somehow evil laugh*

I hope you enjoy this ;)

disclaimer: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of its characters.

* * *

><p>I woke up to the effects of a bad, bad headache. I felt feverish and restless, and I felt guilty. I didn't even knew why I felt guilty, only that I did. Because yesterday I sent a mail to Okita senpai. And he answered me. I took my phone and looked at it again.<p>

_"From: Okita senpai_

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_RE: My house, tomorrow at 3 pm._

_"_

The worst thing was that he had replied to me in the middle of the night, effectively waking me up from my light sleep and throwing me to the restless state I was now. Because I had written a mail that was curt and suffocating , and he had answered me in the same pattern I had. I really had no idea what he thought of me, or what I should be thinking. All I knew was that I needed to sleep, but it was already dawn.

I stretched and looked out of the window. The day was cloudy but I could see the sun trying. Probably my mood right now. It was too early to go have breakfast, and too late to try and sleep again. Having nothing else to do, I tried with music and homework. If that didn't drown me in slumber, nothing would.

Okita senpai's handwriting was not messy except when he tried to write in English. He had been honest, he was really bad at it; soon I found myself snickering and snorting at his mistakes. I took note of all I'll throw to his face when I saw him again.

Which was this afternoon. Again I felt a cold sweat and the feverish feeling. Could it be that I had really caught a cold? Carefully I stepped out of my room and into the bathroom looking for a thermometer, and stood there, inside the bathtub until its cool touch made my hot skin feel right again. I had not a fever; but then why was it that I felt as if I was boiling?

I slumped back in bed. I wanted arms to hold me, I wanted a soft, warm touch that made me feel I belonged to, I needed... I needed a hug. I needed it badly. It had been years since I last feel this unprotected, this alone. I felt I was crossing a walkway without a rail to hold to, and I knew I'd fall, I knew I was not prepared. And suddenly there was someone there, at the other side, his arms open to me, and I sprinted towards him without thinking, without minding the height of the walkway, how narrow it was or how much it moved; I had his arms and I knew there I'd feel safe. Safe...

I opened my eyes with a start. I had dreamed. I had fallen asleep, finally, after all night standing.

* * *

><p>When Kaoru and father walked downstairs I had already prapared breakfast and was waiting.<p>

"Woah, this is rare sis."

"Good morning Kaoru, good morning papa."

My father yawned and then greeted me tiredly. He had his timetables a little disrupted thanks to his work, lately he had been sleeping less and less at home. Once he said he worked better at night, but that made him unstable after several days. I was worried but could not say.

"So, how is it that you are awake this early?"

Kaoru finished his milk coffee. I tried nibbling my toast.

"I started with homework and music and then I was not able to sleep. I had a small sleep this morning though, so now I'm all better."

My father and Kaoru looked at me worriedly.

"Chizuru, you should take better care of your health."

"You are the one to talk father, but I agree; lately Chizuru has been quite restless."

"That is not true."

I replied, but they didn't listen.

"Could it be that the High School is really affecting you?"

Yes and no. I mean, it was not a thing that could be solved changing schools, if that is what he meant.

"Don't worry, papa. I am okay. We have exams near and I am just nervous. Everything is going alright at school."

It was true. I had no problems at school, _really_.

I had problems with myself, and feeling this lost. I breathed deeply.

"I- This afternoon I have a date with Sen chan."

"Oh, well then, don't get home late Chizuru."

My father yawned. Kaoru looked at me suspiciously.

"How is that?"

"Girls' things."

I knew that was the most effective way to shut him up. It worked. I was lucky they barely knew Sen chan nor had her contact info, this way I was free from trouble. Then again, it was pretty... disquieting that I had to lie, but what else could I do? Tell them I was going to Okita senpai's house to... practice? I mean, no. Obviously that would have me grounded forever.

I remember that when I was little my father used to said, 'you know something is wrong if you have to lie about it'. This was the case exactly. There was no way I could tell them I was willingly going to the wolf's cave.

After breakfast my father just went to the sofa and even trough he tried not to, he fell asleep in minutes. I sighed.

Then I saw Kaoru kun motion me to follow him to the entrance.

"What's wrong?"

"That is what I should be asking you, Chizuru. Yesterday you went home with Saito senpai."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I was tired of waiting, and he offered me his umbrella."

Kaoru kept staring at me. He suspected something, I could tell, but I was not sure what. Neither did he, probably. He just knew something wasn't right.

"About Saito senpai... is he the representative you've been meeting lately?"

I didn't like that question.

"Why do you want to know?"

I really hated to answer with a question but honestly, I felt really attacked right now in my personal life. Kaoru frowned.

"I'm just... worried. Lately there had been rumors and some say they saw you in the last graders building, and just yesterday they joined you in the cafeteria."

Certainly, there was no way of denying that we knew each other after been seen at the cafeteria, but that didn't worry me as much as someone noticing my stalkerish behaviour; I was rather surprised -and grateful- nobody had noticed me at the kendo club though.

"Everything is fine Kaoru, it's true I know them, I told you I asked Saito senpai about the kendo moves, didn't I? And the other day I just went there with Sen chan to give back something. Ask the question you want to ask and let's end this."

He looked at me apologetically.

"Sorry for prying in your life. I don't... need to know."

I sighed.

"I am not dating a senpai. I am not dating anybody, for the matter."

I saw him relax. And then smile.

"Sorry sis."

"But if I were..."

I saw him tense.

"I know, I know... "

Good. I just nodded to him and went back to my room. I really needed some space right now. I mean, what I needed was a hug, but honestly, not my father nor Kaoru would be giving me one and for some reason, I doubted it would comfort me in the way I needed. So I just threw myself in bed and opened the folder with the picture of Saito senpai.

I couldn't even open the folder. I knew it. I was so ashamed for not being able to even be close to him that looking at his picture only made me feel even further from him. It was so pathetic the closest I could be to a guy was his picture...

But it was not true. There was someone and I knew it, and I wanted to bite my tongue, I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut so his name, his image, would not appear in my head when all I wanted was to have Saito senpai's. I needed his help to be able to approach Saito senpai, and I had decided later on I'd do anything to reach that objective, because whatever miracle he was working on me, it was definitely working, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

><p>I couldn't believe just how amazingly hopeful I was at this moment. I was anxious and scared at the same time, because as I was standing just before his door, my hand not daring ringing the bell yet, all I wanted, I realized, was to see his gentle eyes again. I needed him to look at me like he had looked at me the first time I came here, with the same compassion and comprehension, with the same kind light. Even if it was just for a moment, even if it was fleeting or a mirage, I needed it, desperately. Because that look had been the closest I had felt to a hug in long time.<p>

I breathed deeply. No more doubting. I ringed the bell and waited. Please. _Please_.

I heard the metallic clang of the doorknob and the door opened, and the next thing I knew, I did not feel anxious anymore, or sad, or hopeless, because Okita senpai looked at me in the same way he did the first time, and all my fears melted. I trusted him. I would trust him completely and let go of my insecurities. I needed to walk forward, and wherever he took me, it would be better than being here, inmovile, and pitiful.

"Welcome, Chizuru chan."

"Hello, Okita senpai."

He guided me into the small living room and went to the kitchen to prepare tea. He didn't tell, but I knew; I sat there waiting for his question. I had looked into his deep green eyes and seen it: there was something he wanted to ask me. Okita senpai came back with two cups of the same tea he had served me last time, and sat down.

I didn't know how to start exactly, but as I gathered my resolution he beat me.

"How was yesterday?"

I knew it. I had realized that same night as I was waiting for his mail: he set it so Saito senpai and I would share that umbrella. As much as I was grateful he had thought of me...

"Not very... well."

He looked at me, waiting for the rest to come. I sighed.

"I want to thank you for setting it up, but I just ashamed myself that afternoon."

"What happened?"

His voice was calm, and comprehensive. I felt as if it was patting my head softly.

"I wasn't ready, that is what happened. I couldn't close the gap between us. I couldn't even stand near enough so the umbrella covered us both."

I couldn't look at him, suddenly feeling extremely embarrased and silly for what I was saying. Because probably he thought I would overcome it in time if I liked Saito senpai enough but... I knew I needed the push Okita senpai could give me. I knew I needed it.

I heard him sigh.

"Sorry, I put you in an uncomfortable position."

I denied with my head.

"I am thankful. But... I need you."

I heard a sharp breath intake and looked at him. He was looking at me fazed. I was very confussed at that look.

"What?"

He frowned and his eyes shined with something I didn't understand.

"You just... don't know what you've said, do you?"

I stared at him bewildered.

"What did I-"

He covered his face with his hand, a bitter smile playing in his lips.

"Seriously, you... you make things _unbelievable _and unnecesarily difficult, did you know?"

Then he looked at me, and I saw in his deep green eyes a mixture of amussement and disbelief, and his smile became a a crooked grin.

"It's okay, nevermind. So,"

His eyes turned playful.

"you mean you couldn't get close to him under the umbrella but you can _actually _get close to me?"

I flinched at his implication.

"N- not like this, I mean... "

"I know what you _mean_; you though it was easy but in practice you couldn't do it, isn't it?"

I nodded disheartened. He sighed.

"Okay, time to practice."

He got up the table and went to the entrance, and as I waited completely lost as to what he was doing, he came back with an umbrella.

"Hora, come here, we are going to practice the umbrella date."

I stared at him as he held the umbrella as if it was open. Of course I should have seen this coming but... well, even though I thought I was prepared and had discarded my anxieties, it seemed as if that was just lip service to myself. I got up from the table and stood beside him, a body of distance between us. He sighed feigning dissapointment, then looked at me playfully.

"We've actually sat _closer_, y'know? Now, come here."

Knowing it was following his instructions or giving up on boys forever, I went closer, now barely an arm between us. I felt again extremely anxious, my hands trembling and I couldn't understand why.

"You are pretty quick getting nervous for nothing. I think you are more anxious the more you think about what you are doing. Try closing your eyes, it worked last time, didn't it?"

I heard the hint of mischief in his voice and tried hard not to remember what happened last time; closing my eyes had _effectively _been proven dangerous. Yet... slowly I closed them, and then it happened again; everytime I closed my eyes near Okita senpai I felt as if the distance between us had been shrunk and we were standing too close, so close I could felt his skin heat, and the more I concentrated on the feeling, even though I wanted to discard it, the more powerful it became, to the point I felt as if his arm was _actually _touching me. Even with the clothes between us the feeling was... too much. I shrank and heard him sigh again.

"Let's see; which is more difficult for you, to approach someone of to be approached?"

I opened my eyes and looked at him confussed.

"I don't know... probably both."

"Yeah right, then which would be better, which do you think would be easier for you?"

I thought for a moment. Truly I didn't know, both of them seemed equally impossible for me, but... I remembered embarrased how he had led me by the wrist, how he touched me that day to protect me from the consequences of my outburst, and how I had hugged him when I thought he had been injured. I came to the conclussion that probably, unless it was an adrenaline rush, me touching was_ a bit _more impossible.

"Probably... me touching is more difficult."

"Mmm."

Okita senpai just thought for a moment and looked at me, his green eyes searching for something into my confussed ones. And then, very slowly, his eyes not leaving mine, he moved his hand next to mine until his index finger touched my pinky one, and before I could react he intertwined his fingers with mine.

The feeling of his fingers touching mine was incredible; before I could even process I should be feeling embarrased what I felt was Okita senpai's gentleness. It felt close to a hug, as if he was sharing warmth through our linked hands and that feeling spread from my arm towards my chest until I though and I felt my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I couldn't stop looking at our hands, but when I felt his eyes on me I I rose mine to look at him and his green eyes pinned me. It was a mixture of emotions that I saw in them, a kindness mixed with something else, and as I was absorted looking at his deep and misterious green eyes Okita senpai gave a small tug to my hand. I felt as if he had tugged directly at my heart and then I was aware at last of what I was doing. I was all too conscious of his fingers touching mine, covering and enveloping my hand in its warmth, and how big and safe his hand felt. I felt my face furiously blush and my skin boil as if I was about to spontaneously combust. These feelings... were too intense. Too strange. Too much.

"P-p-please Okita senpai... my- my hand..."

His hand only lingered there a moment, but then, as carefully as he had touched me before, and very slowly, as if he was letting go of something fragile and delicate, he stopped his hold on my hand and our hands fell in place naturally.

"So, not touching you either?"

I blushed at my stupidity. I was going backwards instead of forward.

"Saa... maybe we should start with something that doesn't imply direct contact hand to hand?"

I looked at him confussed again.

"What do you mean?"

"You don't seem as strongly opposed to contact as long as it's not hands, that's what I mean. For instance, you hugged me back then-"

"T-that was an accident!"

"Haa how so?"

"The moment! A thing of the moment!"

He smiled teasingly.

"Then, how about touching with other body parts; arm to arm, back to back..."

"Probably... not _that _bad."

_Probably _being the key word.

"Okay then... I have an idea. Sit down please."

I complied, wary of his teasing smile and what he would propose; then he sat next to me, and immediately, turned his back to me and laid back to rest his head on my legs -or so he thought, because before he could rest his head on my lap I dodged him and he barely avoided landing on the floor. I thought he'd be angry at me but when he turned to look at me he laughed at my flustered state.

"_What _are you doing?"

"That- THAT should be _my _line!"

I answered completely flustered. He snorted.

"You have to get used to contact, and I see no better way than allowing someone to get close to you, since you can't touch or can't be touched. This way, I'm _just _leaning on you."

"I really don't see your point."

"That is because you still haven't tried it. Trust me. How bad can it be giving it a try?"

I looked at him warily, and he just kept smiling slyly. That didn't give me a lot of confidence... but even though he smiled like this his eyes were gentle. Seriously, this man... what was he? I looked at my skirt; just great today was the day I decided to wear a skirt. I pulled it down as much as I could.

"Okay. Fine."

A lap pillow. Great.

He turned his back to me again and very slowly let his head rest on my lap; at the contact of his hair with my skin I shivered. He snickered, and then, carefully his head rested on my legs. The feeling was... not really uncomfortable, but there was something worse than knowing he had his head in my legs... He would not stop looking at me from his possition. I turned my head away but kept feeling his eyes on me. It was extremely embarrasing to be looked from there.

"O- Okita senpai p- please don't look at me!"

"Mmm why is it?"

"Be- because you make me nervous!"

He snickered and closed his eyes, moving his head to accomodate in my legs. Then sighed overdramatically.

"Oi don't be so tense; relax a bit or it won't be comfortable."

I wanted to throttle him. I could hear his playful tone. I breathed and tried to relax; he sighed contently.

"That's better."

I definitely didn't want to be praised by this, but when I looked at him, his eyes closed and his expression relaxed, I relaxed too; he looked so peaceful... I wondered if this was how he looked when sleeping.

...

No, that was letting my mind wander too far, _absolutely_.

Then I noticed; when he was standing his hair covered it, but now that he was laying on my lap I could see it; Okita senpai had a scar in his forehead. It was small and a soft pink, almost white; it was up his head almost touching his hair line.

Before I knew what I was doing my fingers travelled towards it, but just as I was about to touch it his hand gripped mine firmly, but gently. He opened his green eyes, and I saw in them the mischief, his lips forming a teasing grin.

"I thought you said you touching was a 'no', ne?"

"M- m- my hand please..."

He smiled teasingly.

"What is it, you thought I was so damn handsome you could not stop from touching me?"

I furiously blushed and averted my eyes.

"N- No, of course not! Who would think such a thing!"

"Saa..."

I looked back at him at his dejected tone of voice and saw him smiling smugly.

Damn teaser.

"It was... I saw a scar and-"

"Oh, this?"

He touched the exact spot where he had the small scar.

"A brawl."

I knew it. This guy was a looking-for-trouble-punk. He smiled, but this time it was a wistful smile. I found myself wanting to know more about that scar and why he seemed not only proud, but... wistful.

"How did it happen?"

He looked at me and the look in his eyes made me blush.

"It happened long time ago..."

He moved his head in my lap and his hair ticked me. I laughed and he smiled satisfied.

"You have to smile more... this is not a punishment, remember?"

Technically it _was _a punishment since he made me his slave, but... the fact he worried about me made me feel again all funny.

"As I was saying, it happened time ago. When I was fourteen I was a brat who only looked for trouble, a damn punk annoyed with everything and everybody."

I remembered Okita senpai had told me he lived alone since his sister married when he was thirteen. I wondered if he felt alone all by himself and became like that.

"Of course the thug life is hard, and I got more beatings than I delivered, but still I didn't care about the outcome, I just needed to pick a good fight to forget about the rest of the world. So one day I picked a fight with a guy way older than me and it turned out he was a disciple of a kendo club. Because he was older and knew how to fight, he tried to persuade me but being the absolute brat I was I challenged him and the fight turned into a brawl. He hit me with his bokken in the head, and I hit him in the guts, so we both ended up pretty messed up. It was then and there that I met Kondou san."

"Wait, you mean principal Kondou san? From our High School?"

I gaped at him, and Okita senpai just smirked satisfied.

"Yup, exactly him. He ran the doujo since a long time, being it his biggest passion. He dreamth of reconciling kendo and peaceful life, and once he separated us, he tended my injury and talked to me. At first I thought he was really pathetic, a dreamer, a fool. He told me to come by and watch them practice, to see with my own eyes what kendo was like. Of course I rejected his offer, but for some reason I came back after a few days, and saw how the disciples trained, and how much respect and admiration they had. I felt... that in that place people created bonds."

As I watched him speak about those times I felt as if he was baring a piece of his heart to me, a very private piece he had not shared with anybody else, and felt glad I could see him making that expression of happiness when he looked back at such a bitter time of his past.

"It was there too that I met Hajime kun, and after all that I decided to take the exam for the academy and join the kendo club. I decided to follow the right path after all. I'm what I am now thanks to Kondou san and his sympathy."

I frowned; it hurt me Okita senpai thought all the good that had happened to him had been out of sympathy, as if he didn't deserve it and other were the ones willing to give it just because. Even though I knew it was probably nosy of me, I thought I had to tell him.

"I don't believe he talked to you out of sympathy, but because he saw how you were under that bitter mask. I think... he saw potential in you, that he saw the real you, the one that was lost, and was young and troubled. The Kondou san in your story doesn't seem like the kind pf person who'd just help someone out of sympathy but because he really felt that person was worth it. I believe... he is an incredibly gentle person."

Okita senpai just looked at me, the same look he had given me the first time I praised him when he told me he had been alone since he was thirteen. He looked at me as if he... longed for something. It was such an intense look I furiously blushed up to my ears. Then he close his eyes and smiled contently.

"Yeah, he is. He saved me when nobody else gave a damn... I will forever be thankful to him for that."

We stayed like this for a bit, a comfortable silence between us even though I was pretty aware of his head laying in my legs, extremely close to my body in fact: he'd just have to turn to me to be able to hug-

Okay stop that. There was definitely something wrong with my head. Probably the fact that his head was on my lap was the reason I couldn't think clearly.

"Um... Okita senpai?"

"Mmmh?"

"My legs... are a bit numb-"

He got up with a start.

"Sorry, I didn't realize. Do they hurt?"

I denied with my head, my cheeks burning from his concerned stare.

"Just a bit, but it's alright."

He scratched his nape.

"Well, then..."

"Yes..."

We looked away from each other, and then he got up from the floor and extended his hand to me.

"If it is to help you getting up it won't be a no, will it?"

I looked at his eyes. And extended my hand towards him. He griped my hand gently and pulled from me, strongly but slowly enough so I didn't stagger. His hand... didn't feel wrong. It was warm and a bit calloused from the bokken probably, but gentle and comfortable. I could feel a kindness from it that scared me.

At that moment I realized we were still holding hands and quickly retreated mine.

"W- well then, I'll be going... it's pretty late now."

"Yeah, it should be time."

He walked me to the door.

"About losing a fight, don't tell anybody okay? I have a reputation to keep."

I snickered at his remark. Of course.

"Oh, remember I told you I picked the fight with a brat older than me?"

I looked at him curiously.

"Yes."

He smiled proudly.

"Guess who he was."

I tilted my head; as if that was possible, I just arrived this school and barely knew anybody...

"If he was older than you probably he is not at the school anymore, is he?"

"Wrooong; he _is _at school right now. And he is still _one hell _of a brat."

I gaped at him. No way. NO WAY.

HIJIKATA ONI SENSEI!?

He smiled boastful at me. Oh my gosh. He picked a fight with Hijikata sensei and he _actually _delivered a blow to him without knowing kendo... this man, just what was he? Now I understood why he told me I should not have worried about him; of course with such potential he'd be on Saito senpai's level.

"Well, that's all for today. I'll see you on tomorrow's party."

Wait. WAIT A DAMN MOMENT.

"Are you too coming to the Universitary Halloween party!?"

He just grinned. Sen chan did not tell me anything of it!

"It will be fun. I'm eager to see your costume, Chi-zu-ru chan."

He smiled teasingly before closing the door. As I started going downstairs I couldn't help wondering what would Okita senpai's concept of fun be...


	7. chapter 7: masks

hello dear readers and welcome to the chapter where the drama llama starts. For now. I'm intent on creating a super dramatic triangle between these three, you just wait. I'm on it. By now, we're gonna have a poor Chizuru completely lost and confussed and well. **This** won't help her _at all_. But just wait ;)

I hope you like this chapter, I'm going to be away for a bit and won't be able to post chapters or write, but I have some good ideas written in my script, so when I'm back in December expect more, MOAR drama. And revelations! xD

Enjoy this Halloween chapter :3333

Disclaimer: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of it's characters.

* * *

><p>The smell of coffee woke me up this morning. At last I had been able to sleep, fortunately. As hours passed I thought I would not be able, and yet, the next thing I knew I had drowned into slumber. It was curious, As much as I should be thanking stress for keeping me awake, and exertion for finally fall asleep, that wouldn't be right at all. The fact was that, nervous as I had been that afternoon, when I reached home I felt... lonely. Spending the afternoon with Okita senpai was fun, interesting, challenging, and mind blowing. It was like a wind that threw me out of my comfort zone and yet gently let me land on my two feet.<p>

Which didn't make me forget on the other hand, that I had been miserably betrayed by Sen chan and I had to know by Okita senpai precisely that afternoon, and that in moments like this I _dearly _missed my comfort zone.

All that made my insomnia reach a peak where I was minutes from sending a terrible mail in the middle of the night to Sen chan asking why, damnit, WHY, but thankfully sleep got the best of me.

So today I was feeling a lot of contradictory emotions as I sipped my coffee, and I was letting the good side win until I received her mail. And all my good will went off flying out of the window.

_"__From: Sen chan_

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_(｡･ω･)ﾉﾞ ｺﾝﾁｬ __Chizuru chan!_  
><em>ready for the party?<em>  
><em>Don't forget to meet me 12pm in Harajuku<em>  
><em>and bring your things!<em>  
><em>It will be fuuun!<em>  
><em>ワクo(´∇｀*o)(o*´∇｀)oワク <em>  
><em>"<em>

As if I would forget. I had been thinking about that_ all night. _

So when I arrived and Sen chan saw my face, she clearly understood something was wrong. Very much so.

* * *

><p>As we were walking along Harajuku she apologised for the uptenth time.<p>

"Pleeeease Chizuru chaaan..."

"..."

I just ignored her, I was too annoyed at who knows how many things I didn't know how to talk to her. Okita senpai had been invited to Sen chan's cousin universitary halloween party! I mean, I knew of this party from three weeks ago, just when did she invite him? Since when were they close? Why did it bother me SO much? I mean... no, _seriously_,what was it that was bothering me, that he had been invited without me knowing, or that it was Sen chan who had invited him? I bit my lip. My head was a chaos, and my chest and tummy hurt. All this tension was going to cause me an ulcer.

"I am very sorry okay? I didn't mean for it to be..."

I snapped at her.

"To be what? A surprise? How was I going to know- wait no, _when _was I going to know, today? At the party? And how did you invite him, since when do you know his phone number or-"

"Oh my god! Was it THAT!?"

She took me by the shoulders and made me look at her, bewilderdered.

"Are you annoyed that _I _invited him?"

I looked at her completely fazed; certainly it had sounded a lot like this but _it was not of course._

She smirked mischievously and it pissed me off a lot. I tried to turn away again.

"Wait, no! I mean, let me explain, please Chizuru chan!"

I stopped.

"Look, truth is... I wanted to invite Saito senpai for you, but I had not his contact info and probably he'd not attend this kind of parties, so... I tried to use Okita senpai to mediate. Turns out Okita senpai agreed but only if he came too. And now Okita senpai is coming and I'm still waiting for Saito senpai's confirmation."

I gaped at her.

"You... and you said _I _was prone to scams! It is Okita senpai we are talking about!"

"But you said you _trusted _him!"

"That I trusted him, _not _that he suddenly had become selfless or anything!"

She sighed.

"I'm sorry, you're right; I should have seen it coming."

It didn't bother me knowing he'd be coming to the party as much as having known like this, that was the truth. Because I've had about the night to make myself to the idea of being at a party with him, and until now the only times we've spoken had been teasing and briefly at school and then... the tutoring. And _considering _yesterday, well today I was about 110% self conscious. Sen chan looked at me.

"What is wrong now? You are blushing Chizuru chan."

Sen chan didn't know yesterday I met him. And by no means was I to explain her our methods, intensive and immersive as they were. No way.

... WAIT. Did she say I was blushing!? I turned to her and stared.

"Th- that's the cold!"

She looked at me as if I was completely out of it. But then shrugged it off, probably thinking I was thinking of Saito senpai WHICH I SHOULD BE DOING _but I was not_.

Because who was in my thoughts the very moment Sen chan had told me I was blushing was Okita senpai's face as he looked at me from the lap pillow yesterday.

I swear. This was going to be the death of me. I needed a distraction and I needed it now.

We entered a shop near Harajuku and started looking around for costumes. Until my father had not given me absolute confirmation that I could go, I hadn't started looking for a costume. And it took all I had to convince him, since it was an Universitary party. And well, here we were, on a hurry because in 5 hours there would be a party and I had nothing to wear. I was looking for capes and masks, and some horrible and bloody accesories, when Sen chan called out to me.

"Why don't you try this one? We are short of time and there are a lot of these; probably not many people chose to wear it."

I narrowed my eyes at her choice. Of course not many people would chose to wear it; it was a Halloween party, not an otaku convention. I glared at her.

"Seriously Sen chan? A maid costume? How is that Halloween-ish?"

She shrugged.

"With a little make up you can be a zombie maid."

She moved her hands in a zombie fashion to exemplify. Well, make up to resemble a zombie didn't sound that bad, but... a maid? It seemed more like a moe fantasy than a halloween costume to me, even with the zombie make up I did _not _know how to apply. Then Sen chan smirked and put her finger in her lower lip, as if thinking of something funny.

"Oh but last year there was a maid cafe at the school festival and Saito senpai went a lot."

A maid it was then. Decided. I started to look for my size, and she snickered.

"You are _so _easy to read Chizu chan."

"Look who's talking."

We laughed as we took the costume and make up towards the cash.

* * *

><p>That afternoon we were trying our disguises at Sen chan's home. I really liked hers, a spirit of some sorts, it was really spooky with the make up if you looked at it in a room with bad light. Mine, on the other hand...<p>

"Sen chan, sorry but this... I don't think I can actually wear _this_."

She looked at me from head to toe.

"The skirt is not shorter than our uniforms' and I don't really see it shows as much skin. What is wrong with it exactly, except that without the zombie make up that I'm going to apply, it is not scary?"

"It is... skimpy."

"How so?"

"_Extremely _so."

"No, I mean... really, what flaw do you see?"

"... Too moe. Really. Look at how frilly the skirt is, and how tight here and..."

She sighed.

"Wanna swap?"

"Eh? Oh no! I wouldn't do that to you-"

"Look Chizuru chan we are here to have a good time; if you are going to feel uncomfortable it has no meaning going. So, take that dress off and have mine."

I grabbed her hands and looked at her earnestly.

"Sen chan, thank you. But no. I'll manage it."

She smiled proudly.

"That's my girl. And just so you know it, it's not skimpy, it's sexy. And if I had one I'd be wearing with you so we matched. Next time there is a moe cafe we are signing in."

We snickered.

"Now, with the make up."

* * *

><p>I have to admit Sen chan did a good job on my make up; we kind of disheveled the dress and apron and my hair, and she painted my face white and deep dark bags under my eyes. Either I had spent the last few weeks studying for finals or I was dead. She nailed it.<p>

We moved to the flat where the party would be held, and on the way we saw some people with amazing costumes that made me feel my maid dress was anything but terrible.

As we were on the elevator I started to feel less and less sure if this was a good idea. I mean, Saito senpai had not confirmed he'd be able to come, and on the other hand, Okita senpai was at the party for sure. Worst case scenario he'd tease me a lot. I felt my dress was too tight yet again.

"Calm down Chizuru chan, I'm sure he'll come; I mean, Okita senpai told him you'd be coming. So there is no need to be worried."

"And just why do you think me going is a reason for him to come?"

Sen chan didn't held back the snorted of disbelief at my question.

"You just wait."

We ringed the bell and a guy a bit older than us greeted and invited us in. I whispered to Sen chan as we went in.

"Who is he?"

"Dunno, my cousin's friend, probably. All of them were senpais at the High school, first promotion of co-ed."

"Your cousin studied at Hakuouki Academy too?"

"Yes, she was one of the first fifteen girls than came that first year."

"Wow. That must have been difficult."

She snickered.

"Not worse than your first months."

I grimaced remembering that. Then Sen chan greeted some more people and finally took me to the kitchen.

"Come Chizuru chan, I want you to meet my cousin Oriku, she's the one that organized the party. She's an university student and very very pretty."

She winked at me. We went inside the kitchen and saw a woman preparing some drinks.

"Ah, Oriku!"

When she turned around I was left speechless; she was a beauty!

"Hello Sen! And hello to you too."

And her voice was so soft and chimed...

"Oriku, this is Chizuru chan. Chizuru chan, this is my older cousin Oriku."

"Hello Chizuru chan, nice to meet you, Sen has talked wonders of you."

I snapped out of my trance.

"Ah, no, I mean, she's the wonderful one, really."

Sen chan hugged me.

"See? I told you, she's like cotton sugar!"

We laughed and Sen chan looked at Oriku san astonished.

"Wow Oriku, your costume is... woah."

Oriku san was disguised as cat woman, in a tight black one piece and had a mask that covered her eyes, a cat's tail and cat's ears. It was amazing combined with her slanted eyes and her red lips. She was the definition of sexy no matter how you looked at it. I felt extremely conscious at that moment of the difference between a woman and a kid, that is, me.

The bell ringed and Sen chan went to open the door. I heard a voice I knew all too well, and building my hopes up, I wished he was not alone. Then I saw him enter the kitchen with Sen chan, who presented Oriku to him.

Okita senpai was disguised as The Mad hatter. It suited him. He smiled broadly when he saw me, then looked at me appraisingly.

"Hello, Chizuru chan."

I felt the same from his eyes as that time when I ran out of the gym in my culottes and he looked at me. Suddenly I felt my dress was too tight and too short. Then he looked at Sen chan and grinned.

"Woah, Sen san, it really suits you."

She smaked him with her cardbox made hitodama.

"That is my line absolutely, you mad pervert."

"Pervert?"

"Stop ogling my friend."

Okita senpai smirked.

"Oh, but if she's pretty there is nothing I can do about it but appreciate it, can I?"

I blushed furiously at his impishness.

"In fact, if you look at it from my perspective, she could be _my _Alice."

I tilted my head and Sen chan rose an eyebrow.

"_Your _Alice?"

Sen chan looked at him dubiously.

"Yes, just change the colour of her dress to blue, and she's Alice in wonderland."

I snickered; it certainly would have matched. Then Oriku thought of something.

"Well, if she is a maid it's fine, she's cute just like this, but how about this?"

She passed me her cat ears. I saw the mischief in Okita senpai's eyes before he could even tell what he was thinking.

"Oh well, look who's improved even more her costume."

"Why, thanks Okita san."

Oriku smiled teasingly at him. He trailed his eyes up and down me again, and Sen chan hit him again.

"But truly, a neko maid..."

"Hey back down, this is not to recreate your ecchi fantasy, Okita senpai."

I felt I had to say something, anything.

"I think those cat ears would suit you better, Okita senpai."

"Oh, really? How so?"

I blushed at his impish smile.

"Shall I try them on?"

Okita senpai with the cat ears was... well, probably 'gorgeous' would be word I should _not_ be thinking in no way whatsoever, but the truth was that his cat-like green eyes and his teasing grin matched the cat ears as if he had ben born with them. He could have been the Chesire cat hands down. Sen chan rolled her eyes at our exchange.

"I think fox ears would suit him better."

Okita senpai looked at her approvingly.

"Oh Sen san, that is a great idea, I wish you had told me sooner; a kitsune spirit would have been an awesome costume. Next year count on it."

"What makes you think I'd invite you next year?"

"Mmm not your party, I'd have to ask Oriku san."

He winked and Oriku just smiled. Something about that exchange sent a tug to my chest.

"Oh ummm."

I thought that, if he wasn't saying I might aswell ask.

"Did- did Saito senpai say something?"

For a brief moment I saw something flicker in Okita senpai's eyes and then he went back to normal.

"He's a bit busy today, but he said he'd make his utmost to come."

"See Chizuru chan, I told you!"

I grinned at Sen chan's joy. It was a possibility, I'd wait for him.

But time went on, and as we were certainly enjoying and playing games and making some karaoke, the chances of Saito senpai coming lessened as hours went on, until I thought I should be asking again. But I had already spammed Okita senpai enough, and I certainly felt bad at my insistence and his _"are you not having a good time now?" _answers, to which I'd definitely answer yes though, so I looked at Sen chan and she nodded, then went towards Okita senpai to ask him while I stood on the other side of the room.

Then she came back and I saw a grimace on her face. I understood immediately.

"So... Saito senpai is not coming, uh?"

I dejectedly whispered to myself, and then I felt it; he always snuck close to me unnoticed, but now I sensed him just behind me, his green eyes fixed on me, and a shiver ran down my spine. I felt... bad. I felt as if I had betrayed someone -who? Who would I have betrayed, why? Why would my words hurt anyone... but me?

Okita senpai passed next to me, not even looking at me, not sparing me even a word, and I felt I wanted to cling to him and search for his eyes. But I did not, and he mixed with the small crowd and started speaking with Oriku san. I felt my cheeks burn and my eyes sting, and had to run to the toilet.

What was wrong with me? What was wrong!?

I felt as if I had badmouthed a friend, I felt... low. Was it an effect of my built hopes collapsing? Was it because I needed... him?

His arms. Arms to hold me close, arms never to release me, arms to which I could share warmth. Arms to feel loved. I was suddenly boiling with the need to feel loved, to love and be loved madly. I felt as if I could not breath, all the angst too much, and it overwhelmed me. I couldn't breath, I couldn't...

And then arms hugged me from behind, strongly, as if holding my world in place, and a soft and gentle voice whispered in my ear.

"It's okay, don't cry. I'm here for you."

Yes... he was there for me. But why was he the one who was always there? Who did I want to be here...? Who did my heart... look for?

Okita senpai's arms were strong and warm, gently holding me. I felt I could finally breath. He spoke very quietly, in whispers as the sounds from the party sounded far away.

"Sen san was looking for you, and I heard you sobbing at the bathroom. Sorry I came in without a warning."

I could only deny with my head. He held me a bit tighther for a moment before slowly releasing me. Then he gently turned me around until I was facing him, then ran a hand through my hair and whipped my tears away.

"Are you better now?"

I nodded. My voice would not come out, and I was sure my face was the reddest shade of red anyone had ever seen. I could not look at him. He woke up from the ground and at the same time lifted me up. I was sure I had ruined my make up.

"Uhh you are now more scary than before; that was the last touch your make up needed."

I smiled at his remark. And then he smiled too. How was it that Okita senpai always knew what to say, what to do to make me smile...?

"Now come, you are missing the party. We have someone new who is matching your disguise."

"... What?"

I looked at him and he just smirked.

"Looks like someone else joined the party at the last moment, though he rarely comes late."

No way. Had he...?

I looked out of the bathroom and into the living room. I would have recognized his purple hair anywhere. Saito senpai. Then I felt Okita senpai's hand on my head.

"Hora, let's go greet him."

"UH? n- no, I'm fine-"

But he tugged me from the wrist up to where he was discussing with some other people.

"Ara Saito san, what an amazing buttler costume you are wearing!"

Said a guy probably Oriku san's age. I could hear the slight annoyance from Saito senpai's voice as we approached.

"It's not a butler costume, it's the Phantom of the Opera."

There was a silence in the group.

"Oh. The Phantom of the ehhh what?"

"The Phantom of the Opera."

Okita senpai snickered and then he pushed me towards the small crowd.

"Oi, Hajime kuuun!"

Saito senpai turned towards Okita senpai's voice and then his eyes popped open a bit too much when he noticed me staggering from Okita senpai's push, but he compossed quickly.

"See, I told you you were wearing matching outfits."

I heard Okita senpai speaking teasingly behind me. Then another guy interjected.

"Ah no, Saito san says he's the phant-"

"I'm a butler."

The guy stood there completely fazed, Okita bursted out laughing and I smiled awkwardly at his bluntness. I saw Saito senpai blush a bit but he quickly recovered.

"That costume... it- it suits you Yukimura san."

"Oh! Th- thank you, Saito senpai, you are very elegant! I like that mask..."

"Oh. I, well..."

Before he could say anything else Sen chan approached us.

"That is _not _something butlers use to wear, is it?"

I heard the mischief in her voice and almost snickered at Saito senpai's blank face, then he removed his mask and looked at it, then at his cape. However you looked at it, he was definitely not a butler.

"Never mind that, hora, let's have fuuun!"

Sen chan pushed him and we started laughing.

The party was about to end, in about an hour I'd have to go back home but I was having the time of my life; Sen chan decided she'd act as the most shameless matchmaker and pushed Saito senpai and I in close quarters, made us sing couple karaoke songs and play as team mates in a game. Little by little I felt the distance between us srunk and I was feeling more and more comfortable around him, even when his arm accidentally touched mine instead of backing down I just felt warmth and he smiled. I had Okita senpai to thank for this, and the moment he came to my mind, my eyes looked for him.

Then I noticed Okita senpai was not here, and I turned to look for him around the room. Just as I was thinking where could he have gone I saw him going out to the balcony. And his expression almost broke my heart. Why... why did he seem so lonely, why was he... so sad?

"Yukimura san, it's your turn..."

I heard Saito senpai call out to me, but I just...

"Excuse me a moment..."

I saw Sen chan look at me quizzically and I just nodded reassuringly, then woke up from my place and went towards the balcony.

There he was, leaning on the rail, looking at the city. He turned to me and awknowledged my presence without words.

I stood next to him for a while, none saying anything, until I thougt this silence was stretching a bit too much for comfort.

"I wanted to apologize for earlier."

"You did nothing you should be apologizing for."

Even though he said that I knew it had not been my imagination, I had felt it when he went past me. Then I wondered if he was referring to the bathroom thing and felt a wave of warmth at his kindness.

"Are you not feeling well Okita senpai?"

"It's a bit hot in there, my costume has a lot of layers."

He said nonchalantly. He had removed his jacket and had the hems of his shirt upwards. I think I stared for a bit longer than I should his arms. Then I looked towards the city as he was doing. And breathed deeply.

"Okita senpai, there is something I want to tell you."

Very uncharacteristically I saw him flinch slightly.

"What is it?"

"I wanted to thank you... for all you've done until now. The tutoring and... bringing Saito senpai here, and for a lot of other things."

He snorted.

"He would have come either way, I guarantee you."

He had srugged it off as if it was nothing.

"But the way you say that, are you just saying your goodbyes to me?"

He asked playfully, I knew, but it did not match his eyes. Since I saw him coming to the balcony they hadn't changed; they were... somehow sad. I bit my lip.

"No, of course not. You are... my friend."

"Saa..."

Again, he was doing that again. I felt I had to be more honest to reach him.

"You have always been there for me. I want you to know I'll always be here for you, anytime you need me."

He didn't say anything for a while, but then he looked at me and I saw something in his eyes for a moment, and he looked away again.

"You can't make me a promise like that."

His voice was gentle but impersonal and I felt my blood preassure lower. My voice came out a bit more strained than intended.

"Why not?"

"Because you'll have to break it sooner or later."

I felt he was further away from me than I had ever felt him. That he was putting distance between us, that he wanted me... away. And my chest hurt.

"I won't break it. I never break my promises."

"You will, if you have to choose."

"If I have to choose...?"

"Between your lover and your friend."

I didn't understood fully what he meant, but... I felt I understood it somehow.

"I do... don't have a lover."

_Well Chizuru, that was lame. _He didn't look at me, but when he answered his voice had changed to a serious tone.

"Then that promise will last until you have one. That's why I don't want you to promise me nothing of the sort. Now leave."

"..."

What could I possibly say? Why would I have to choose, why would someone make me choose between the person I cared for and the one I loved? I came here to thank him for all he had done, to make him feel a bit of the happinness I was feeling thanks to him, but now...

"I don't understand it..."

I don't understand you.

"That's because you are still a child."

That hurt. That hurt, damn asshole, damn selfless, kind asshole. It hurt you wanted me out, that you wanted to push me away right now when I felt how lonely you felt. Why did he behave like this? Why was he always by my side when I needed him but now he pushed me away... It hurt me seeing you hurting.

I turned away and dashed inside. I went past Sen chan, who was waiting for me, and sat again at the game table, shrugging off the questions about where I had gone.

* * *

><p>The party ended and we were about to head home, when I heard Sen chan saying my name in the kitchen. I thought she might be talking to Oriku san when,<p>

"How can you be so nice sometimes and then be such an asshole..."

"It's a gift."

It was Okita senpai. My heart felt like the lead. I went to the bathroom and removed my make up, but now my face really looked horrible, the signs of having cried and feeling bad all over. That probably I could not cover for a while.


	8. chapter 8: silences and revelations

HELLOOOOO! And after all this time I'm finally back! Sorry for the long wait, I was away on a trip and could not write nor update.

I had this chapter kinda written beforehand but I needed the last touch before publishing it because it is... SHOCKING?! xD I hope you like it, here comes the first drama!_denouement_ of the story... there will be more. SO. MUCH. MORE.

ENJOY please ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of its characters.

* * *

><p>The mood between Okita senpai and I since that day had become... awkward. We barely spoke, and he didn't send me mails. After some days like this I decided that the longer we kept this up the worse it would become. I knew I had to do something, and yet... everytime I gathered my resolution I couldn't help but remember his words at the party, and grow disheartened.<p>

It was... painful.

At first I thought I was just being paranoid, because he kept talking to me and teasing me but... his words did not match his eyes, and some of his smiles seemed forced, and sometimes well. His jokes went a bit too far and were a bit too cruel, after which I could see an emotion in his eyes and then he'd not meet mine or talk to me for the rest of the day.

I was not paranoid, definitely. Something terrible happened at the party, and the distance between us had grown in heaps. I had to do something, but I did not know what.

And it didn't help that everytime I found a little gap in our schedules and could see him he'd throw me to Saito senpai. I mean, I was absolutely grateful for that, he was effectively making us closer if only little by little, but I had to talk with him and this was getting ridiculous.

So when at the fourth day of this nonsense he didn't appear at school I decided enough was enough.

* * *

><p>For the past three days after the party the group of senpais formed by Okita senpai, Saito senpai and Toudo senpai had been sitting with Sen chan and I at the cafeteria, and the talks had become more fluid and comfortable. Okita senpai would sit next to me, and Saito senpai would sit on the other side, which left Toudo senpai sitting next to Sen chan much to her discomfort. It was made pretty clear from the beginning Toudo senpai wanted a girlfriend. Sen chan on the other hand was more than fed up with boys at the moment, she declared.<p>

Yesterday the conversation took a turn for the worse unexpectedly.

"So, so, Sen chan, what is your ideal of guy? Who is your type?"

"I don't like hyper boys, I like centered, mature _men_."

I almost saw the stab at Toudo senpai's back. Okita senpai laughed loudly.

"Well, there you have it, Heisuke. More luck next time."

Toudo senpai just glared at him, then turned to look at me.

"And you, Chizuru chan?"

I feared it. After Sen chan of course, he was going to ask me, and by no means was I to answer him truthfully.

"Ah, no... well, I don't have a type."

"Ehh so you are open to possibilities."

"I don't think she means that, Heisuke kun."

Saito senpai intervened at the conversation.

"Eh? What then?"

Toudo senpai looked at him as if he was asking 'what would you know' and I looked at Saito senpai tilting my head, but he just shrugged.

"That just means she's the kind of girl that falls in love first, then that guy is her one and only type."

I became astonished. Sen chan looked at him bewildered and Toudo senpai pouted.

"I don't understand something like that Hajime kun."

Okita senpai snickered, and I looked at him.

"But how can someone fall in love right then and there if not by looks? I mean... unless you speak with someone that would be considered just infatuation, don't you think?"

Saito senpai nodded deep in thought.

"I think you are right; basing your affections on a person you don't know just because of looks may give you great deceivings, though sometimes hunches are right."

I saw a small smile appear on his lips.

"I think the key to falling in love is communication."

Sen chan intervened.

"But communication... without _the spark _is just friendship, don't you think?"

Toudo senpai joined the conversation.

"Mmm I wonder about that."

Okita senpai said. Then he looked at me and I saw it again, that something flickering in his eyes just before he put on his mask.

"Have you felt that spark yet, Chizuru chan?"

I felt a pang in my chest. He was doing that again, being unnecesarily sharp.

"Oi, what kind of personal question is that, Okita senpai?"

Sen chan came to my rescue. I just fidgeted with my sweater, knowing how cold his green eyes were as he looked at me.

"I- I don't know, truthfully."

"Well, theorizing about _sparks _and things like that is a silly thing to begin with. I am of the opinion that a balance between attraction and sharing interests is the perfect fit. I believe the spark is something you may realize later on, as you know better that person, rather than the small pang of infatuation."

Sen chan nodded eagerly at Saito senpai's answer. And then Okita senpai pressed his chin to his hand and murmured.

"Guess that may be right. But maybe she's a slow one though, the kind who doesn't realize right away."

"She? Who?"

Toudo senpai questioned, and Okita senpai just smiled mischievously.

"Saa..."

"And then, who'd be your type, Okita senpai?"

I stared at Sen chan. Just _what _was she doing? Okita senpai smiled mischievously.

"Mmm I wonder too."

Toudo senpai just looked at him annoyedly.

"That was vague Souji. In fact, I have no idea the kind of girls you like, you always reject each of them but seem to be on good terms with everyone."

Okita senpai shrugged.

"Guess I still have to find my type."

Toudo senpai grimaced.

"And you, Saito senpai?"

Okay now I was really annoyed at Sen chan and her random behaviour. Just what was her aim? And then Saito senpai blushed slightly and coughed awkwardly. Sen chan smirked and I wanted to either smack her or flee.

"I well, I like quiet girls but with personality, and physically I don't really have a type, but if I had to say..."

I held my breath.

"... probably not taller than me."

I let my breath out. Well, that wasn't that bad. I fit. Then I felt Okita senpai's eyes on me, and looked at him, and that was probably my mistake that day. Once I locked eyes with him I could not turn away.

"Who would care about how she looked like, so long as she loved you that would be the most important thing on Earth."

I felt my heart skip a beat and my mouth become dry. He looked at me and I felt he was looking just at me, and that we were alone in that big place, just the two of us.

"Ahem."

I heard Toudo senpai cough and I noticed what I was doing. As quick as I could I turned away from Okita senpai and pressed my fists fight against my legs.

"Ohhh so maybe Okita senpai and Chizuru-"

"That's not true!"

I got up from the table and left everyone speechless with my outburst. I quickly looked at Saito senpai but he was just looking away probably embarrased at my behaviour. Just what was I... doing?

"I am sorry Chizuru chan."

Toudo senpai apologised, but it was late already.

"You are wrong by the way, Heisuke; I am _not _the one she likes."

In a moment what was already awkward became unbearably uncomfortable. Okita senpai's voice was chilly, cold and monotone. It was the closest to being annoyed I had heard him sound, but not as in angry, just... uncaring. That would be the word to define him, and as I found it I felt warmth left my body.

It hurt.

After that we finished eating and went back to our classes, but before that Sen chan took me by the hand and lead me to the toilet.

"Are you okay Chizuru chan?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"... You are crying."

I hadn't realized, but tears were streaming down my face, and I could not stop them even after she told me. I cried in her arms feeling a knot in my throat and a painful sharp pain in my chest.

I hurt him, just like that day at the party. Something I did hurt him. And I didn't know what to do, or how, if only I knew why... I racked my brain trying to remember what could it have been, and then what did I knew of him so his behaviour made sense. After all he told me, that he had been alone, and that he created bonds here... If he had never been involved seriously with girls, maybe we didn't understand each other. Maybe something I said was missinterpreted, maybe... I took our friendship too far.

I realized I considered him a friend. A close friend, a person I had shared insecurities and who had told very personal things to me. We had become close. But then why did Okita senpai suddenly felt so far away from me, even unreachable now? Why did it seem as if he was pushing me away?

* * *

><p>For four days I had had nothing but shallow interactions with him and then on the third day that happened. After how close I thought and felt we had become this was the worst. I'd never had a fight with a friend that lasted this long, and I wished this had been a fight, but it wasn't, it was worse. I didn't know what had happened, and the more time passed the worse it was becoming.<p>

My dreams became chaotic, it affected my sleep and I could not concentrate studying. I kept looking at my phone to see if he had sent me a mail, but he'd not answered mine. Four days...

"Yukimura san, are you okay?"

I snapped. Saito senpai was looking at me worriedly, and then I looked around and saw Sen chan and Toudo senpai looking at me like this too. It took me a moment to get centered. How did I reach the cafeteria? Classes... I could barely remember them. My lack of sleep was seriously affecting me.

"Yes, thank you, I am fine."

Then I realized.

"Where is Okita senpai?"

It was Toudo senpai who answered.

"Ah, yesterday he said he'd not be able to come today."

"Maybe he's caught a cold."

Sen chan added. But I glanced at Saito senpai and even though he had his usual stoic and poker face I saw somehow we were wrong. If he was not sick, then what?

We finished lunch and I decided that now or never.

"Sorry Sen chan, could you keep going without me? I have something..."

I looked towards Saito senpai going away. She smiled and winked.

"No problem, tell me more later on."

I smiled back and ran towards Saito senpai.

"A- ano, Saito senpai."

He turned to me, a little look of surprise in his eyes.

"Yes, Yukimura san?"

"Um, do you mind if we... talk for a moment?"

He looked at me, and must have seen it was serious, because he thought about it for a moment, and then nodded.

"But not now. After classes meet me next to the kendo club."

Then he looked at me once more, and went away.

After classes I dismissed Sen chan and awaited by the kendo club, the afternoon sun mildly warming me. It was already November and it was chilly once the sun went down. As I was waiting for Saito senpai a ray of sun filtered through the leaves of a mapple tree and I squinted my eyes. Then I became transfixed at the gentle but warm light that filtered through the leaves of the trees around the academy. It sweeped and leaked between the brown leaves and suddenly I wanted to smile but I couldn't. I wanted... to share this sight. It was so beautiful and yet so wistful...

I heard footsteps and turned in their direction. Saito senpai approached me and I waved my hand at him.

...

"Today is the anniversary of the death of Souji's parents."

I stiffened. So it was that. I felt terribly conceited, and selfish. But what I felt the most was the need to go where he was and comfort him, even if I knew probably I'd be of little to none help, even knowing he'd probably not want to see me. I may not have been the cause he was not here today, but I knew for sure something was wrong between us since past Sunday. Saito senpai looked at me and gently placed a hand on my shoulder. It felt warm and comfortable, but... for some reason the feeling was not the same. I bit my lip at the thought of Okita senpai comforting me that day at the halloween party. Why was I even comparing it? Was it because I was worried about him, was it because I felt guilty...?

"I tell you as I know you are somehow close, and that you worry for him."

I felt kindness in Saito senpai's words; he usually had a monotone and calm voice, but sometimes I appreciated the shades his tone took when he spoke of someone he appreciated, or with someone he cared for. I was glad he let me hear his voice like this, that he considered me one of them.

"Thank you for your kindness."

"No, thank you Yukimura san; I am glad you are Souji's friend. He has had... a tough time."

I blushed at his compliment and nodded. I knew.

"Souji's parents died when he was seven, since then he and his older sister Mitsu lived alone as they had no other relatives alive. She took care of him until she married when he was thirteen. At first she wanted Souji to live with her, but Souji refused saying he'd not want to interfere in a newly wed couple life. For what I know they tried to kept contact but Souji progressively distanced from them, and after she had a baby they just meet on this date."

"So this year... is the 10th anniversary..."

Saito senpai nodded.

Okita senpai... was alone. No, what was most important was that he felt alone. Even with the people who cared for him, on a date like this it was unavoidable to feel alone. He must have felt everything passed him and left him, his parents, his sister... I wanted to be there for him. I told him I'd not break my promise.

"Saito senpai, I am going to see him."

He looked at me and smiled, a happy and unreserved smile that was so rare on him but suited him so well...

"He will be happy."

"Are you... not coming?"

"I don't think my company would make a difference at this point, but you... have touched him somehow. Maybe you can help him out of his shell."

I felt tears form in my eyes. His best friend was entrusting him to me. He trusted me, he valued me, he saw me as one of them. Be barely knew each other yet we shared a deep understanding of Okita senpai and that united us. I felt as if a vice had clamped my heart but at the same time a happiness I could not describe filled me. I had been entrusted with a responsability by Saito senpai, and I knew that meant so much on his part... He patted my head gently.

"Go Yukimura san. I am sure he needs you."

I smiled at him and nodded, then after whipping away my tears I ran towards his house without looking back.

* * *

><p>As I approached Okita senpai's house I realized I didn't know if he'd be home, or if he planned to stay in her sister's house, and if that was the case when he'd be back or where it was. I had no right to intrude in his life, but... I wanted him to let me in. I wanted him to trust me.<p>

For a moment the thought of him thinking I was intrudding paralyzed me, but I felt I was right. Gathering my determination I ringed the bell of his house. I was uninvited, I knew, and maybe I should have mailed him or called him beforehand, but I also knew that if I had done that he'd have probably dismissed me. So to sum up I was really showing myself uninvited and probably unwantedly.

I waited until I thought he was not home. I sighed, of course, that had been a possibility. As I was turning my back to go, I halted my steps. No. I won't break my promise. I gathered my determination: I'd wait for him to come back, no more running away. So I went back and sat next to his door. He'd have to kick me out to make me give up on him.

The sun went down and the darkness of the dusk enveloped me. It was cold and I was hungry. I hugged my legs against my chest.

"Okita senpai..."

I felt my eyes closing. And then something warm enveloped me from my shoulders. A coat.

"What are you doing here?"

Okita senpai's voice. I looked up to see him and I was met with tired yet concerned eyes. His voice was cold but this time it did not match his eyes.

"I was waiting for you."

He scratched the back of his head at my honesty.

"Seriously, you are a girl, have _more _sense of awareness."

Then he opened the door to his house.

"Come on in, you must be freezing."

My legs were numb. Damn. I watched him make his characteristically smirk, and suddenly I felt my chest warm up.

"Need some help?"

"That would be much appreciated."

He extended his hand and when I took it he gripped it thighter.

"You are really freezing, just how long have you been here?"

As he was talking he pulled from me, but this time, as my legs did not respond as I wanted I staggered and crashed against him. I tried to separate from him, but

"I- I am so-"

He hugged me. Tight. And buried his head in the crook of my neck.

"Just for a moment."

I nodded. For as long as he needed, I wanted him to know I'd be there. Slowly and bashfully I moved my arms to his back and answered his hug. The hands that were hugging me turned to fists and then relaxed again. Then he separated himself from me and sighed, not meeting my eyes.

"Hora, I don't want to freeze here."

We entered his house and I moved my hands to try and get warm.

Okita senpai went directly to the kitchen and I heard the kettle as he started to heat water. I smiled at the thought of cinnamon and ginger tea. It suited him... I came to identify his scent with the tea and his behaviour. Warm, sweet, spicy. I sat to wait for him, and the room felt strangely empty... I felt that if I had to come back to this house everyday I'd be feeling lonely, and that thought brought yet another sharp pain to my chest.

Okita senpai placed the tea cups before me and then sat down.

"So... I guess Hajime kun told you something."

I nodded. I didn't want him to think I was prying in his private life but...

"I'm fine."

He didn't look fine to me. He saw me frown and snickered unamussedly.

"Okay, I'm not fine as in _fine_, but fine as in you don't have to worry about me."

Not buying it. I bit my lip.

"I'm totally over it, so don't make a drama, okay? It's just another day, a date only makes it so people who do not live by it everyday have a day to remember it. I remember it everyday, so today is not big deal."

I understood what he meant. It was something that affected his everyday life, just like the feeling of knowing nobody is waiting for you at home, it was a painful reminder.

"But you didn't come to class today..."

"That's because I'm stupid, but really you don't have to worry about me."

"How would I not? it's only natural I'd worry for you..."

He snorted. I saw it again; he was... uncaring somehow, as if he wanted to cut everything and everybody from him. As if he wanted to isolate himself. If he wanted space he'd have it, if he needed to be alone I'd leave him, but now... Now I didn't feel that was what he needed. I could feel a cry from inside him begging not to be alone. Not to be left alone, even if he was fed up with everything. Just like Kondo san did not leave him alone I'd believe in him. And make him believe I'd not leave him.

"You can trust me, you can talk to me Okita senpai."

He didn't answer. I saw his hands grip the mug slightly. Something wasn't right. Something I did or said was affecting the trust I thought he had to me.

"Have I betrayed your trust, or hurt you in any way? I felt... we were friends."

"Friends? I don't think I could ever be that with you."

I felt I could not breathe. So cold... so uncaring.

"... Then what are we?"

For some reason that question slipped from my lips. Okita senpai looked at me and I saw it flicker in his eyes, but now I could identify it: pain. Then he turned his head away from me.

"Nothing. We are nothing."

Nothing. It didn't look like nothing when you hugged me, it didn't look like nothing when you comforted me, when you made me knowing of your smile, when you let me see a piece of your heart. When you showed me the world...

Tears started falling from my eyes and I could not stop them. It hurt. Because I saw through him and understood he didn't want to hurt me, he just wanted me not to be there, but... it hurt me to see him hurt. I... didn't want Okita senpai to be hurt, or in pain, I wanted him to smile, to be happy, to be teasing, to be playful, to be... sweet and spicy. I wanted to show him the sun filtering through the trees in dusk and share his smile.

I heard his fist slam against the table and next thing I knew he was hugging me.

"Why Chizuru, why... what are you doing here... this is not the place, I am not the guy..."

And then I felt him sob. Okita senpai felt alone, but he was not. He was not alone. I was there for him. I returned his hug and tightly held him, as tightly as my arms allowed me I hugged his big body, that now seemed so fragile and looked so small. I'd comfort him. I'd be here for him. Always.

"Don't cry Okita senpai, it's alright..."

"It's you who's crying..."

"I'm not crying anymore, see?"

I laughed through my tears.

he hugged me tighter.

"I'm sorry. I did not mean it. Of course I think you are my friend, Chizuru."

"Then why... why did you push me away... you are... the closest to a bond I've had outside my family."

"Me?"

I could hear the disbelief in his voice, but it was not cutting, it was not mocking, it was... hopeful. Okita senpai needed a bond.

"Until now I only had shallow friendships with girls, and now Sen chan and you are the only ones I felt I could trust... losing you would be... is painful just to think about."

I gripped his clothes, and then he embraced me tighter.

"I am sorry Chizuru. I'll never say that again."

I denied with my head.

"I don't want you to ever think you are alone, or have nobody to trust or rely on. Saito senpai, me... I'm sure there are many more people that love and appreciate you, that care for you as we do... I don't want you to think you are on your own never again."

I heard him laugh awkwardly. Then he slowly released me and I did the same; very slowly he let go of me and sat away from me, not looking at my eyes.

"I am sorry I took it all out on you."

"You can vent your sorrows and worries with me. Same as you can share your happiness."

"Gods, don't say that.. it sounds awfully close to a vow."

He snickered uncomfortably.

"It is a vow."

He then looked at me, fazed and confussed.

"I vow I'll never leave you alone. I'll always be here for you Okita senpai."

We stood like this, in silence, for some moments and I could see the hope and disbelief in his eyes, as if he was interpreting something, looking for something. As if... something I had said was wrong. No, not wrong, as if he... doubted his ears.

And then he covered his eyes with his hand and laughed.

"Okay, you don't have to go that far. I understand. I'm not a kid, okay? I'll rely on you guys more from now on."

"You better."

I smiled at his voice. Yes. His voice was clear, and his eyes when he looked at me were the gentle green that made me trust them. He was back. He was the Okita senpai I met and...

And... what?

There was something very obvious I was failing to see, to feel, to acknowledge. To understand.

What was it?

"Okay, it's late enough you should be home now. I'm fine, you can go now unless you wish to spend the night here."

I heard the mischief in his voice relected in his teasing eyes.

Okita senpai. I laughed and denied with my head.

"I better not, who knows what you'd do."

"Oh, but you said you trusted me?"

"Everything has it's limits."

"Hee guess you are right; look at my student, she's learnt a lot more than I thought. Good job."

I snickered.

"I had a good teacher."

He got up from the table and extended his hand for me. I took it without second thoughts.

"I'm walking you to the station."

"Oh no, I don't need-"

"It's not a suggestion; I _am _walking you to the station."

Okita senpai took his keys and opened the door. Damn it was freezing. He saw me shrink and snickered.

Then he took off his muffler and wrapped it around my neck.

"Okita senpai what about you?"

"I'm tough. Besides, the one poorly dressed for this weather is you; I'll be going back as soon as I leave you in the station."

He said nonchalantly and I did not protest. His muffler was warm and smelled like him. I wished I could make this scent glue to my clothes, this sweet scent... We walked in silence to the station and once there, checked the timetables.

"You are lucky trains in this line have such quick frequency."

As we were waiting I wished time would slow down... there were many things I wanted to talk to him about still; like how he felt, if he missed them, how they were. I wanted to know more about him.

"Tomorrow."

I looked at him questioningly.

"I'll join you tomorrow on the way to the Academy, is that okay?"

I smiled broadly.

"Do as you wish."

He smiled too.

"You became too cocky all of a sudden."

I heard the train coming. And took a step towards the platform, then looked back.

I didn't want to go yet. Not yet. His eyes...

"See you tomorrow."

"Yes..."

The doors opened and I got in, and as they closed I kept looking at him. At Okita senpai's eyes and his smile, until the train moved away and I could not see him anymore, then I sat and leaned my head on the seat. I was... spent, but happy. I was happy but lonely. I was lonely but hopeful. I felt my heart was bursting. Then I realized I had his muffler. I'd have to return it tomorrow, but for now... I could enjoy its scent and warmth. Until tomorrow.

* * *

><p>I arrived home and went directly towards my room. Then I mailed Sen chan to tell her about the day.<p>

But she didn't mail me back, she called me.

"Chizuru chan?"

"Yes, are you okay-"

"No, no, that should be my question, absolutely. What happened?"

"I just came back."

"... How is he?"

"Better. I think we are still friends."

The word 'friends' seemed too small to describe our relationship though.

"..."

"Sen chan?"

"Chizuru chan, could it be... that you are in love with Okita senpai?"

My phone fell from my hands.


	9. chapter 9: your name

Hello dear reades and thank you so much for your support! thanx **Missu** and **TalaxVampirella** and to all the people that have favorited and followed this story, I'm honored to write something you like :)

this chapter will be shorter than the previous ones, as it is a transitional or bridge chapter; we are reaching the ecuador of the story (maybe, who knows xD) and things that slowly built up are starting to bear fruits. Well, some of you had already seen it coming, yet I wonder what would the outcome be *mischief*

I hope you like this short update, and enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hakuouki nor any of its characters.

* * *

><p><em><strong>transitional chapter.<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>"Chizuru chan, could it be... that you are in love with Okita senpai?"<em>

No. I couldn't be.

I mean, how... could I be? I was in love with Saito senpai, right? People loved just one person at a time... there was no such a thing, it was not possible that I was... if I loved Saito senpai. Right?

My phone had fallen from my hand and I stayed like this, not paying attention to Sen chan at the other side of the line, my eyes not looking at anything, my ears deaf and my senses atrophyated.

All the pieces connected, all the misteries were solved. All the looks, all the smiles, all the hugs, all the words. Everything made sense at that moment.

I was... in love with Okita senpai.

I had fallen in love with him. But I was in love with Saito senpai, wasn't I? How... could that be? The first face that came to my mind, the voice I heard first, the hair I recognized... all I thought I knew, all that I was familiar with had changed, and now it was all his, it all belonged to Okita senpai. It was him. He was the person my eyes looked for.

I loved him.

But that was not how things were supposed to be. That was not right.

I should not be feeling happy, why was I smiling while I cried? Why was I crying again? Why... why.

Sleep came in waves, and everytime I woke up I huged Okita senpai's muffler and smelled it. It calmed me down, but made me cry at the same time. I didn't know why I was crying anymore, or why I felt what I felt. I stopped questioning what was going on with my heart after some time.

I would not be confussed. I would not doubt.

I would not be that kind of person, air headed anf flirty, that little and whimsical feather moved by the wind.

I would not betray my feelings, even if to do that I'd have to betray my heart. I knew it was not fair, I knew it was not right. I knew it, but at the same time I realized I knew nothing about love. Love... love that came suddenly, love that was born, love that overcame you, love that gently warmed you, loved you looked for, loved that found you. I knew nothing.

The only thing I knew is that I started this. And I'd not let something like these feelings destroy it. I had created a bond with Okita senpai, and a bond with Saito senpai. They were two different kinds of bonds, and I'd be truthful to each of them.

I'd always be there for Okita senpai, whenever he needed me, I'd be his support.

And I'll create a bond with Saito senpai, and make my feelings reach him.

I'll distinguish between friendship and love. I'd not be the _friend _of the person I love, and would not _love _the person who is my friend. I'll not betray his trust with this traitorous heart. I'll not let him think all I did until now was moved for love, because I valued and cared for him for who he was, not because my heart drove me irrationally.

But these few minutes until dawn came I allowed myself to give up momentarly and enjoy what my heart screamed to me, the scent and warmth of Okita senpai. As a last act before I gave up these feelings.

I owed him. As his friend.

* * *

><p>"He- woah sis, what's with that face!?"<p>

"Good morning Kaoru."

He stared at me.

"Where is papa?"

"Forget about that, what's wrong? What has happened?"

I could see the inmense worry Kaoru had, and I could only smile sadly at him. I had killed a part of my heart, that is what had happened. I had built something different than I intended, and had to break it and start all over again. I was stepping on its crumbles, but I would not stumble.

If I stumbled everything would be over; our friendship, our trust, our future. I would not take a misstep. I'd be faithful to what my heart told me in the beginning.

"Nothing really, don't worry. Exams."

"Exams my ass... yesterday you came back super late; I'm sure father-"

"Kaoru please. Nothing happened."

He shut up and just looked at me. I was tired... and I did not want to explain myself. Today I'd have a lot of talk to do probably, so I'd better save forces for Sen chan. Because she had spammed my inbox with worriedly mails and I had not been able to answer them. Today. I needed the night to put my mind in order and a ease. Today.

* * *

><p>The station was crowded, today it was freezing and white clouds came out of people's mouths. As I passed my pass I took off Okita senpai's muffler and carefully saved it in my bag. I looked before me and walked.<p>

Not to be deterred.

I would walk on my two feet, and move forward. I'd never again stumble, or stray from my path.

I knew what I had to do.

"Good morning Saito senpai."

A pair of surprised blue eyes turned to look at me.

"Good morning Yukimura san."

I smiled.

"Chizuru is fine."

He looked at me and smiled shyly but happily.

"Chizuru san."

Okita senpai's smile greeted me as I got down from the train. But now everything had changed, and had not at the same time. My feelings were the same, but I'd not betray him. I owed him all the trust he had placed on me. I smiled back at him.

"Good morning Okita senpai."

I walked with both of them towards the school.

* * *

><p>"Chizuru chaaan!"<p>

Sen chan caught up with us as we were opening our lockers, and she looked from Okita senpai to Saito senpai and then at me fazed.

"Good morning Sen chan."

She rose her eyebrows and took me by the hand.

"Chotto, I'm borrowing her for a while."

"Don't ask us, she's your classmate."

"See you at the cafeteria, Chizuru san."

Sen chan halted her steps, and looked back at Saito senpai before resuming her running quicker than before. She almost slammed me against a wall when we entered the bathroom.

"Okay, _what the hell _Chizuru chan?"

I just looked at her and smiled.

"You were right. I'm in love with him."

She bit her lip.

"Then?"

"Then what?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing."

"_Nothing_!?"

She stared at me as if I was mad.

"He is my friend, probably my best guy friend. I'd do nothing that would betray his trust."

Sen chan looked at me as if she was hurting.

"You..."

"It's okay Sen chan. I know what I feel. Now it will be easier to take the right path."

"... Saito senpai called you by your name."

"Yes, I asked him to do it this morning."

She released me and looked at me.

"So that is your decission?"

I nodded. Sen chan sighed.

"I can't... give you any advice besides following your heart. If this is what you've come up with... then it's alright. So long you are honest with yourself, it will be alright."

"Yes."

I knew I was right. I knew what I had to do.

Classes were focused on exam preparation and the mood became hectic between those who had cram classes and cram exams aswell as high school exams. We spent our time studying and memorizing exercises, and I was thankful because that didn't let me think, didn't let me doubt. If I kept my mind focused I'd not stray from the right path.

* * *

><p>Lunch time.<p>

By the time Sen chan and I arrived Okita senpai, Saito senpai and Toudo senpai were waiting for us at the table, our seats protected from whoever wanted to steal them. I snickered at them waving their hands towards us and, astonishing Sen chan, ran towards the table and sat between Okita senpai and Saito senpai.

"Hello!"

"Hello Chizuru chan, I see exams have not disheartened you."

"I'm glad to see you so energetic Chizuru san."

Toudo senpai got up from the table and pointed a finger at Saito senpai.

"What- WHAT is what the _Chizuru _san!?"

I snickered and Saito senpai smiled.

"It was not fair he was the only one addressing me by the surname, what kind of friend would that be?"

Toudo senpai sat back making a big show of how annoyed he was by crossing his arms.

"Yup, now we are nakama tachi."

Okita senpai said and winked at me.

Yes, now we had a bond. His warm smile made me feel it was alright. Everything was alright.

Between jokes and light chatter the lunch time passed quickly, and at the end of it I waved them off. Sen chan kept looking at me worriedly.

I took out my phone and wrote a mail.

_"From: Yukimura Chizuru_

_To: Okita senpai _

_Wait for me at the end of the classes,_

_Your muffler misses you._

_(´__ω__*)__ネー _

_"_

* * *

><p>"Are you staying?"<p>

Sen chan looked at me as she took off her school shoes and put on her street ones.

"Yeah, I still have things to do."

She bit her lip again. I knew she was worried.

"Everything is fine Sen chan, I just have a final thing to do, and everything will be alright."

"Okay. But text me when you are home."

"Promised."

She hugged me and I hugged her back.

Then she waved goodbye and turned away from me.

I stood there waiting by the entrance, slightly hidden from the view of the rest of the students. It was cold outside, and I was tempted to take the muffler out and wear it, but someone may have recognized it. Better not tempt luck. Yes, better not, I could grow used to wear it. That would be... definitely bad; it was not mine.

"Chizuru chan."

I knew he was there before he said my name, but I basked in the feeeling of being able to feel he was there before he spoke, and the way my name sounded on his lips.

"Hi, Okita senpai."

I turned towards the voice calling me, and looked at him. His eyes were... gentle and warm. Nothing had changed, but that day everything changed.

"Here," I took his muffler out of the bag. "I hope you don't mind I didn't wash it before returning it."

He just smiled.

"I prefer it; this way it smells of you too."

His eyes.

I was lying to myself, I was deceiving my heart. I thought I could walk away from this without stumbling, without looking back. But I couldn't.

But I had to. I had to. I had to look back to wave goodbye to this properly. I smiled at him.

"It still smells like you, Okita senpai."

His eyes looked at my hands and gently took it.

"Want to spend some time around here?"

He looked at me.

"There is something I want to show you."

We walked towards the spot I waited yesterday for Saito senpai. The light of the dusk sun filtered through the red maple leaves just like yesterday, it had not changed.

"I wanted to share this with you."

He just looked at the view with me in silence.

"Beautiful..."

"... Yeah."

We stood there until the sun went down enough for its light to dissapear from between the leaves.

"Chizuru chan."

I didn't answer, but he knew my silence meant I heard him.

"Thank you."

"Woah, that sounds awfully close to a goodbye, Okita senpai."

I didn't mean it but my voice cracked slightly even though I wanted to make a joke with last time he told me the same thing.

He looked at me, and then back at the trees.

"No, it is not. Not for as long as you don't want it, Chizuru chan."

I felt my tears escaping my eyes. Stop. Stop please. Don't cry, don't you dare. Don't you dare crying.

"We should be going."

"... Yes."

I managed to let my voice out, and to stop my tears from falling. We walked to the station, and then I remembered he took the same train I did.

"Okita senpai, how is it that I've never seen you in the train before?"

He smiled at me, then went back to looking at the timetables.

"I like to walk, it wakes me up in the morning and clears my mind after classes. Sometimes I take the train, but only when the weather is either too cold or too hot or I am late or too tired to walk."

I snickered and nodded. That was very much like him.

"I like fall, but now is almost winter, so I'll have to use the train more."

"Then we may meet at the train."

"Who knows, maybe."

We waited at the platform for the train to come.

"Chizuru chan."

I turned to look at him.

"Can I take away the 'chan' when we are alone?"

I smiled.

"I didn't think you were the kind to ask permission for these things; you decided onesidedly to call me 'Chizuru chan' when we first met."

He smirked.

"Yeah, I remember. What a bully I was."

"I think you still are."

"Oohh what's that? feisty."

We laughed.

"Yes."

I answered in almost a whisper. You can call me whatever you want. You can always count on me.

"I am curious though."

"What about?"

I looked at him and I was trapped in his green eyes. I hadn't noticed, but he was too close to me. No, not too close. It would never be close enough...

"How would my name sound on your lips..."

My heart skipped a beat. The train arrived.

"I'll go walking today. Sweet dreams, Chizuru."

He turned away and walked to the exit. I heard the beep of the train doors and ran inside before they closed. He lived further away from here than I did. But he'd go walking.

The train started to move, and I stood there watching him leave until he dissapeared from my sight.

"Good night, Souji..."

My tears flowed freely at last.


	10. chapter 10: glances

hello dear readers and welcome to the last chapter of the year (yes, really, I have issues. family issues.)

we are nearing the ecuator of the story (or did we already pass it?) but hey, I hope you are getting somehow attached to these dear dorks xD helplessly and hopelessly in love (ahem). Ah the world of feelings, how complicated it is ;) again, thanks for our support, that you like and read my stories is the best gift I could have **(･ω･)**

After this senseless rant, I'll leave you with chapter 10, and I hope you enjoy it. Have a wonderful time and merry xmas and happy new year!

disclaimer: the usual.

* * *

><p>"<em>It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime…"<em>

— _ Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner_

Two weeks. In barely two weeks since I first met him he had turned my world upside down and forced me out of my comfort zone. He had showed me the world out of my cage, and I knew there was no way back.

And yet... somehow time stopped a week ago.

* * *

><p><em>"From: Yukimura Chizuru <em>

_To: Okita senpai_

_ヾ ＾∇＾__)__おはよ__Okita senpai!_  
><em>It's sunny today finally!<em>  
><em>Don't be late, <em>  
><em>we will be riding the 7:44 train<em>  
><em>See you there!<em>  
><em>ﾐ<em>_(o*__･__ω__･__)__ﾉｲｯﾃｷﾏ__-__ｽ__! _

_"_

I stretched in bed. For the past week interchanging good morning and good night mails had been the usual between Okita senpai and I. It became a new habit we quickly adopted and now waking up to his mail or beating him at sending one first thing in the morning was our game. The signal of a new incoming mail arrived barely a minute from my sent mail.

_"From: Okita senpai _

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_RE: __おはよ〜〜__( __Д__)_  
><em>quick today aren't we?<em>  
><em>but it's Monday <em>  
><em>and it's coooold.<em>  
><em>As if I had been late ever.<em>  
><em>（＞<em>_ω__・）ノ いってきまつ！！_  
><em>"<em>

I smiled but felt again that small pang in my chest. Probably I shouldn't be doing this, but I decided a week ago I'd not run away from him. I'd not stop talking to him or behave differently just because I'd realized my feelings, or because now they had a name. No. Okita senpai had been my friend first of all, and that was something I didn't want to lose, no matter what.

So I hid, buried that feeling deep in my heart and kept on as if I'd never realized, as if nothing happened. Nothing would change between us. That day I vowed to him he'd never be alone for as long as I was there. And he answered me he'd always be by my side for as long as I wished.

It was enough.

* * *

><p>"Goood morning papa!"<p>

My father rose his eyes from the newspaper and smiled at me.

"Good morning Chizuru. Early today, aren't you?"

"Yup, I have to make the best of the sun hours we have."

He smiled.

"Good morning sis..."

I heard Kaoru stairs down and saw his face matched his tone.

He caught a cold five days ago. My father frowned.

"Kaoru you should stay in bed."

"I've been in bed since Thursday, I am all better now."

I snickered. He didn't look better no matter how you looked at it.

"Do you still have a fever?"

My father asked him worriedly. And Kaoru took a little more time to answer than usual.

"... No."

I smirked.

"Liar."

"How would you know!?"

He answered me outraged and surprised.

"Your face is red; you must be boiling."

He pouted dejectedly.

I knew he hated staying at home and missing his classes but at least his classmates brought him homework and helped him be updated to what they were doing.

I sat at the table and sipped my milk coffee. Today too, and the rest of the days, I hoped everything would be alright. I had began doing this small prayer -more like a mantra- to lip service myself before going out towards the High School. Not only because exams were near, but because peace of mind was something I felt I needed very much. If you had offered me a charm to alleviate stress I'd have taken it without second thought; now I'd believe in anything as long as you said it'd calm my mind and put me at ease.

"Well, I'll be going. Have a nice day at work papa!"

"Have a nice day you too, dear."

"Take care Kaoru!"

"Hai haiii..."

Just as I stepped on the street I felt a wave of cold hit me in the face as if I had just opened the freezer.

We were already in mid November, the weather had become unbelievably cold almost all of a sudden, and some days very early in the morning you could see small freezing puddles on the streets.  
>The preassure of exams was just above us, and some started to feel guilty to socialize outside school at the look of their mock exams grades. Teachers started too to preassure us to spend our free time studying in preparation for late December and January exams, which would decide part of our future. The second term exams.<p>

I would not be exagerating if I said people became a bit more short-tempered and cranky on this time of the year.

Luckily for me, Saito senpai was able to keep his usual stoic behaviour. Talk about being a genius.

"Good morning Saito senpai."

He turned towards me as I called him at the station. His lips formed a small smile.

"Good morning, Chizuru san."

I stopped just next to him, bringing my hands to my mouth and trying to warm them.

"Woah... it's super cold today."

"Yes it is... But even the cold has its good things."

"Really? Like what?"

I saw him look at the clear sky wistfully and then sigh a bit dissapointed.

"Snow."

I snickered. I understood, he was hopeful it may snow soon, but probably not today. I decided to give him some positive feedback.

"I hope it snows soon..."

"Yes, me too."

Saito senpai and I shared small talk like this every morning since a week ago. We were now on the 16th of November, barely a month from the first exams. I had discovered Saito senpai had become a tutor for some other grades just recently, as a way to earn some pocket money and that stressed him a bit out of his usual stoic way. I also discovered that was why he was late at the halloween party, and why he took a different train the day we shared an umbrella. Sometimes I felt the preassure and concentration he emanated in waves and had to tap him in the shoulder to snap him out of it, a gesture he always thanked me bashfully. I felt he was putting on too much preassure but he clearly didn't see it that way.

The train arrived and before the doors opened I could see a familiar hand waving at us from the train car.

Since last week Okita senpai had joined us in the train, saying it was too cold to walk to the school anymore from where he lived, and so the three of us shared a train ride until Hakuouki Academy.

The train was crowded and both of them acted as shields for me, which provided all kind of absurd situations. While Saito senpai took his job very seriously and tried to move as little as possible from his position as a human shield, Okita senpai just glared at everyone that came too close to me, effectively scaring all males in the train car. Really, I had never enjoyed this much a morning ride to school.

Today there were no seats avaliable, so the three of us stood for as long as the ride lasted. The morning sun filtering between the buildings gave me the feeling somehow of a halo of hope, a new day. Lately I'd been feeling much more wistful, more contemplative, and more active at the same time. As if time would be wasted and would escape from my hands if I didn't make the most of it. And it was true in a way, life passed quickly and the time until school ended was closing in, the feeling of finale was closer everyday. The thought of parting with everybody I knew was strange... somehow even if we were only in November now I could see that April was closer than I thought and sometimes I felt a knot in my throat.

A sudden stop snapped me from my reverie. My hand slipped from the bar I was grasping and I thought I'd fall, but an arm caught me just in time. I turned towards the owner of this strong arm knowing his green eyes would be looking at me teasingly.

"Oi Hajime, protect her better, you wouldn't want some pervert touching her, would you?"

"What- what are you saying Souji, why...?"

Okita senpai just smirked mischievously at him and Saito senpai narrowed his eyes, a small blush creeping in his face.

It was a secret out loud; except for Saito senpai, Sen chan and Okita senpai knew I liked him, but contrary to how casually Okita senpai handled the issue, Sen chan was a shameless matchmaker and constantly pushed us together anytime she could. For Sen chan it was absolutely clear Saito senpai liked me and she made her point on how he was always gentle and kind to me when he didn't even bother with the rest of the people. And I always answered her that he was the same with all the people he considered close friends, and that was an honor for me. I wanted to believe that he could like me someday, really. I didn't know about Saito senpai's feelings, but he always had a small smile for me that warmed my heart, and that was enought for now. Anyway, it was something that didn't worry me in the near future, much differently as how it had been for the past three months. I was not in hurry now, I had my deal of feelings to deal with.

We arrived at our stop and walked towards the Hakuouki Academy at brisk pace. I met Sen chan by the lockers, and waved Okita senpai and Saito senpai goodbye.

Sen chan sighed.

"Seriously, every day it gets more and more obvious."

I tilted my head at her nonchalant tone.

"What does?"

"That Saito senpai likes you."

I blushed and fretted at her affirmation.

"Sen chan, he may aswell not be used to girls."

"No, no, I tell you. He has a liking for you. Just take as an example right now."

"Right now?"

I looked at her fazed. She snorted and stared at me.

"_Really_? You didn't see? He turned towards you after saying goodbye, just to look at you one last time before he went away. That speaks volumes."

I hadn't realized. To be honest, lately I didn't realize a lot of things, my mind wandered a lot on an empty field to avoid thinking on anything. Sen chan sighed.

"You should give it a try; before Christmas holidays and all the exams stress comes."

I sighed.

"But I don't think he really likes me, more like... he aknowledges me and feels comfortable with me as a girl friend. I don't want to rush things if he still doesn't see me like that."

Excuses, I was always full of lame excuses, and I knew Sen chan knew.

"But why don't you try? He may see you as his friend now, but maybe if you confessed he'd realize he likes you, or start liking you when he sees you as a girl."

I knew she was right, of course, and it was not that I was comfortable in that impasse but the alternative was somehow unbearable right now. I don't think I could have handled more than this ambiguous relationship we had at the moment, my heart and mind were still a complete mess.

Of course we never talked about the other thing. It was forbidden, and she knew. But sometimes she looked at me and I saw reflected in her the pain I must have been feeling. It was okay, it would take time, but I'd manage. Definitely. Today though she must have decided enough was enough and she broke the rule.

"You know what they say, 'one shoulder of mutton drives another down'; maybe if you started being less passive with Saito senpai you'd forget about that _other _thing that-must-not-be-named. "

I frowned at her and she just grimaced.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but you are just avoiding the issue of confessing to Saito senpai because you haven't sorted out your feelings yet. You still like Okita senpai, and it's alright if you do, but if you want it to be over, if you _really _want him to be just a friend, move on. And Saito senpai, much to his disgrace, will suit."

"Much to his disgrace?"

I frowned at her commentary, and she just answered offhandedly.

"Well you'd start dating someone with your heart set on another man-"

"That's not true! I- I really like Saito senpai!"

I answered her flustered and she just looked at me pityfully.

"I don't doubt it, Chizuru chan. But you _love _Okita senpai. it's not the same. Right now you are fighting a lost battle if you don't give a step towards Saito senpai. Believe me, I know what I am talking about. If you wait anymore, you are only going to get all the more confussed. You need to decide now."

"I have already decided."

Somehow it pissed me off how right she was so I was a bit harshly. She looked at me dissaprovingly.

"No, you haven't. It's easy to say, but you don't act. You just let time pass as if that would solve everything, and it does not. Ignoring the matter and behaving as before won't cut it."

I hung my head in defeat. She was right, of course. Precisely because of that I didn't know what to do. I clung to my feelings for Okita senpai even though I knew I had to let go, but I didn't even know anymore if I was the one clinging to them or if they weren't letting go of me. I saw him everyday, and spoke with him, there was no way to lip service myself into thinking I felt nothing towards him. It was too strong. On the other hand my relationship with Saito senpai had become a comfortable friendship and suddenly I realized that I was not in a hurry to let him know about my feelings. I didn't want to recognize it but it was very obvious my feelings for Okita senpai were winning, and that made me feel not only ashamed but scared. I couldn't allow that to happen, I couldn't fall completely for someone whom with I could not be.

Sen chan sighed.

"Okay, enough torture for today, classes are about to start."

"Yeah, because studying maths will provide me peace of mind. That's all I need."

She snickered.

* * *

><p>We arrived at the cafeteria at lunch time and I saw a hand stretched in the air waving at us. Sen chan snorted.<p>

"Hello Toudo senpai, Saito senpai, Okita senpai."

"Hellooo Chizuru chan, Sen chan!"

We sat in our usual seats, Saito senpai and Okita senpai on each side of me, and Sen chan resigning to her fate next to Toudo senpai. I had to buy her a really good thing to thank her for this. Suddenly Toudo senpai's dissapointed voice made us look at him.

"Ohhh I forgot my bentou today."

There was a silence, and he looked from Sen chan to me and back again. Okita senpai snickered.

"You are gonna die of hunger today, Heisuke."

"EEHHH what do you mean, you heartless bastard!? I am sure these pretty and compasionate girls would like to share-"

"No way in hell."

Sen chan answered taking a bite of her onigiri. I could see again the stab on Toudo senpai's back. Saito senpai cleared his throat and moved his bentou towards him.

"Heisuke kun, you can have part of min-"

"Ah, no, thank you Hajime kun..."

I snickered at how quick he had dismissed Saiot senpai's sympathy. Oh well, how _bad _could one day be?

"Um... Toudo senpai, if you wouldn't mind, I could share-"

Before I could continue Okita senpai was smiling predatorily at Toudo senpai, his hand before my bentou, his green eyes narrowed to menacing shinning slits.

"Oh no, _no _way. This guy is capable of forgetting his bentou _every single day _so you feed him."

Toudo senpai made a big show of being offended.

"EH? Souji that is unfair!"

"But you didn't deny it."

He pouted and his stomach growled. Sen chan heaved the biggest sigh I had heard her sigh.

"Okay, here Toudo senpai, have half of mine; today my mother decided to get my filling with lots of rice and tonkatsu."

"OH thank you Sen chan, you are a goddess!"

"Calm down. This a once in a life time. "

"Yes!"

I laughed. I really needed to buy her something for her patience. Then I saw Saito senpai fidget with his chopsticks, and then look at my bentou.

"Chizuru san, are those sweet tamagoyaki rolls?"

"Oh, um, yeah."

Okita senpai snickered, an amussed grin on his face.

"He loves them."

"Eh, really?"

There was a moment of silence and then someone kicked me under the table; Sen chan. I stared at her and she grimaced and mutedly moved her lips saying something like 'you are slow'. Shameless matchmaker.

"Saito senpai, would you like to eh... try one?"

He looked at me surprised.

"May I?"

"O- of course."

"Hey that's not fair, why does he get to try her food and I can- OUCH!"

Toudo senpai received another ninja kick under the table, this time it was Okita senpai probably. Saito senpai took one roll with his chopstiks and tried it.

"It's delicious."

I blushed.

"Th-thank you."

"Ahh really?"

I heard Okita senpai snicker, and next thing I knew he had stolen the one I had on my chopsticks. With his mouth. I stood there paralyzed. I was not the only one though as Toudo senpai gaped at him completely bewildered.

"Mmm too sweet."

I couldn't react until a sharp pain shot me from my leg at the strong kick I received under the table. I looked at Sen chan and she glared at me, then at Okita senpai.

"If you don't like it then don't eat it."

"Souji if you want something just ask, that behaviour is unbefitting of a gentleman."

Both Sen chan and Saito senpai reprimanded him but Saito senpai's voice showed he was used to reprimanding Okita senpai for all the same things, and Okita senpai just shrugged.

"Had to try."

Sen chan rolled her eyes and I stood there, watching my chopsticks and unable to know what to do. ...Would that be -would it imply an indirect kiss!? Before my head could explode Okita senpai spoke.

"Hey Chizuru chan, not hungry anymore?"

I wanted to kill him and his teasing grin, his playful voice, his mischievous eyes. He had no idea how bad he was messing me. Sen chan rolled her eyes, snorted and took my chopsticks from my hand.

"Well, enough jokes for today. Take mine, Chizuru chan. And you, keep those if you like them so much."

Okita senpai smiled impishly and I thank her inwardly with all my heart -with all that was left of it after it imploded seconds ago. The bell ringed and we waved them goodbye.

As we were heading to our next class I heard Sen chan snort somewhat angrily and mutter to herself.

"He is like a kid too; he lets others play with his toy but suddenly gets fed up and wants it all for himself..."

"What are you muttering Sen chan?"

She looked at me with and expression I couldn't place and sighed.

"It's nothing, c'mon we are late to class."

* * *

><p>"I think Toudo senpai likes you."<p>

We were stretching in the gym, and Sen chan rolled her eyes at my comment.

"Oh please, he's just a hyperactive puppy; any girl would fit. If he wasn't that childish I'd say he's in heat."

"Woah Sen chan that's a bit cruel..."

She looked at me as seriously.

"No Chizuru chan, cruel is knowing any girl fits, the first to say yes. He is the kind of boy easily _in love_. The kind that would try to be liked by all so he could choose."

I thought about that for a moment. Well, certainly I didn't know a lot about him but that judgement seemed a bit too severe.

"Well, I don't know about that, to me he's just looking for someone but his personality gets in the way- woah I said something super cruel and I was trying to defend him."

I slumped in defeat and Sen chan snickered.

"I know what you mean, you think he looks like this but he's actually centered when he's with the one he wants, don't you?"

I nodded.

"Maybe he is, but I don't wanna know. Not my type, definitely."

She snorted and I smiled. Then I remembered how she had described her type.

"Then, does that mean you've actually dated someone like him and grew to dislike these type?"

"Certainly dating a flirty boy is terrible, but no, I've been lucky so far with my few choices. The only one I really regret was dating that egocentric bastard."

I tilted my head.

"Oh you don't know him, but believe me, you better off _not _knowing. He is the kind of guy who would _actually_ force you to date him if he saw you as a fitting partner. To him these kind of appearances matter."

"And then why did you date him?"

She shrugged.

"He was super hot."

I laughed out loud.

Harada sensei came to where the group of girls were and nodded.

"Enough stretching, let's start running."

A lament in unison could be heard from all the students gathered here.

* * *

><p>"Damn, I'm spent today."<p>

Sen chan slumped her shoulders by the lockers as she changed her shoes.

"Well, that's all for today, let's hope tomorrow gets easier."

"Are you not going to wait for Saito senpai to go home today?"

"Nope, on Tuesdays he has kendo classes."

"Mmm true... but seriously, why don't go and see him practice? Lately you haven't gone anymore."

I stayed silent, and Sen chan sighed.

"See? You keep running away."

And it was true. I was running away from these kind of situations where I could find myself too entraced to realize my eyes had travelled to Okita senpai. Because I knew he was the one my eyes looked for now, I had to fight it.

"Chizuru chan, confess to Saito senpai already. If it's a no, then next step, and if it's a yes, all the better."

I sighed.

"Let's go home already."

We started to walk out of the Academy, and as we walked out of the main doors I looked back one last time, and stopped.

There was someone on the rooftop. It could be anyone, probably, but... I only knew someone who had the key, that is, if Hijikata sensei hadn't put remedy to that.

"Chizuru chan?"

I snapped.

"Nothing, let's go."

Everything reminded me of him, and that had to stop. I had to stop thinking about him on evey little thing, the rooftop, the kendo club, the train station... I breathed deeply and ignored the concerned stare Sen chan gave me.

* * *

><p>That night I wrote and erased several times a mail to Okita senpai to ask him if he was at the roof, or why was he there... because my eyes had not deceived me, did they? Did I see him, or did my eyes play tricks on me because I was too eager to see him?<p>

The only thing I knew for sure was that this was not going better, if anything I was falling harder everyday... and he was not helping at all. Had he always been so teasing, so playful, so naughty? Or was my mind playing cruel tricks on me?

Should I have... eatten from those chopsticks, or did I made a fool of myself and was too conceited for nothing? He did it without second thoughts so... of course it meant nothing. It was because we had trust that he behaved with me like that, as a friend...

A beep startled me.

_"From: Okita senpai _

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_お__(__ﾉ￣__0__)__ﾉや__(o__￣・￣__)o__す__(__。＿ ＿__)__。み__zzz.._

_"_

I hated he could make me smile like a fool just with this. I hated and I loved how much he affected me. I really, really... loved him.

I fell asleep with the picture of Saito senpai and Okita senpai as witness of my guilty conscience, looking at me, as my eyes travelled more and more towards Okita and less and less towards Saito senpai.


	11. chapter 11: to the future

Hello dear readers and a happy new year! Let's hope this year is wonderfull and full of merchandising and otome games avaliable wherever we live (a lil buit too much to hope for?). BTW the 2015 Hakuouki calendar is asdfghjjkl amazing. hands down.

To celebrate this new year I'm posting a new chapter, I hope you enjoy it. Good luck with your exams if you are on it, or have finished or are about to start! Use this as a breather! xD

Disclaimer: I don't own hakuouki nor any of it's characters.

* * *

><p>A sunny, bright day woke me up on Wednesday. I realized my phone was on my side and with barely any battery left. Great. All because I had woken up several times that night only to see his face. I was the worst. I was not going forward, I lied to Sen chan; for every step I gave forward before her, I gave two or three backwards the moment I was alone at home.<p>

I couldn't go on like this. She was right, I had to... I had to look towards Saito senpai. But the more I thought about it the more my heart hurt. If I dated Saito senpai - in the improbable case he like me back and accepted- would that mean I'd not be able to see, to speak like I usually did with Okita senpai? Saito senpai and him were friends, so I doubted it, but I was too scared of the conversation we had at the balcony on the halloween party. He said I would have to choose between my lover and my friend. I didn't want to choose. If that came to be the case, I'd rather not have a lover so I could keep him a friend.

I sighed. That reasoning was really pathetic and coward. And desperate.

A light blinked. He beat me today, it seemed.

_"From: Okita senpai _

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_It's sunnyyy today_  
><em>Oh, yeah.<em>  
><em>good morning sleepy head<em>  
><em>＼（～Ｏ～）／おはよぉ<em>  
><em>"<em>

I snickered. Such a clown. I sent him another good morning mail and got dressed.

Kaoru was at the table this morning, his cold reasonably better it seemed, he was looking finally recovered. The one who was not there was father. I sighed, yet again working himself to extenuation.

"Good morning sis."

"Good morning Kaoru, I'm glad to see you are better."

I put my hand on his forehead and he pouted.

"I am _not _better, I am fully recovered."

I smiled.

"That's great news."

I sat down and nibbled my toast.

"How's the week been until now?"

"Ummm same old. Mock exams and all kind of preassure."

He sighed.

"I lost almost a week."

"Nah, you were on date before you caught the cold, I'm sure it will not affect your grades."

"I seriously hope not..."

Kaoru wanted to follow father's steps and become a researcher, he wanted to enter medicine and the exams were more difficult than anything I've ever seen. I was sure he'd give his all, his grades until now had been higher than mines, but he still felt insecure. I still had to decide my path, and probably these exams would mark it. Frankly speaking, I wasn't as worried as I should have been.

"Ne Chizuru, I know I said I'd not interfere but... are you dating a senpai?"

I almost spluttered my coffee; when I recovered I frowned at him.

"Where- just where does _this_ come from?"

He looked at me apologetically.

"Well... one of my friends mailed me telling me my sister went to school and came back with some senpais."

"I come home and go to school with friends. Sen chan being one of them."

"Yeah but-"

"Whomever I am friends with it's nobody's business but mine, are we clear?"

Just what I needed today. Seriously.

"I know, but it's because... well, one of them has terrible reputation."

Figures he spoke about Okita senpai; for some reason the fact that he did not know about him but made judgements about him pissed me off limits.

"Well, I think I know _who _you mean, and just so you know, he is a great person and a very good friend of mine so I'd appreciate if you didn't badmouth him."

"Ah, no, sorry, it was just I was worried..."

"Well, rest assured. There is nothing you should worry about."

No need. Absolutely.

"Do you mind if we go together today to school?"

SERIOUSLY.

"_Seriously_."

My voice took a dark tone and he leaned back.

"N- never mind."

I tried to relax and sighed.

"Okay. This way you'll see how wrong you are."

How wrong was I.

* * *

><p>I arrived at the station together with Kaoru and greeted good morning to Saito senpai. He smiled at me and then looked at my brother acknowledging.<p>

"Is that your twin brother, Chizuru san?"

Kaoru flinched. I tilted my head but let it pass. Big mistake.

"Yes, he is; Kaoru, this is Saito senpai."

"Nice to meet you, your sister has-"

"Just _how _close are my sister and you?"

Saito senpai's eyes opened a little bit and I smaked Kaoru's head with my hand at his accusing tone.

"Ouch Chizuru what are you doing?"

"Could you _please _not pry into other's people's lives?"

"But he called you _Chizuru _and-"

"And what? All my friends address me the same."

Kaoru looked down.

"Sorry."

"Not to me."

I looked from him to Saito senpai and then Kaoru stared at him.

"I'm sorry Saito senpai."

"Ah, don't worry... I just recently started addresing Yukimura san as Chizuru san per her wishes."

"Oh, okay..."

They looked one to the other and suddenly the tension dissapeared. Finally.

"Saito senpai, I've heard that you are in the kendo club, how is it?"

"Pleasing."

I snickered. Kaoru stood there fazed. I'd have to explain him later that Saito senpai was just into word economy.

The train arrived and almost involuntarily I tensed up. Okita senpai waved at us from the train car and we got in. I somehow had a bad feeling...

"Hello, Okita senpai."

"Good morning Chizuru chan, Hajime kun. Oh, and you?"

This time Kaoru did _really _flinch at Okita senpai and glared at him. Well, not again. They both had very low fuses. Kaoru stood before me, and Okita senpai rose an eyebrow.

"I'm her brother Kaoru."

"Well, nice meeting you, Kaoru kun."

Kaoru glared at him.

"We are not that close so you can call me that, and also don't call my sister Chizuru _chan_."

Oh no. After Okita senpai's surprised face I saw a predatory smile form on his lips.

"Ahh really? I don't see it bothers her in the slightless, Kaoru _kun_."

That was it. Better cut it while I could.

"Ah well, Kaoru, Okita senpai is-"

But he ignored me.

"I told you not to call me Kaoru kun, and to address my sister differently."

"And I said I see not how that may be your business."

"It is if it's someone like you."

"Like me?"

NO, no, no... I tried to meddle but they wouldn't listen.

"You are a delinquent."

"How nice, then know your place and be away like a good boy."

Kaoru glared daggers at Okita senpai while he shrugged his words and kept his menacing smile and glared at Kaoru through green narrowed eyes.

"Leave my sister alone."

"Again, not your business _mama _Kaoru."

Oh damn. Enough.

"Okay both of you, stop."

I stood in the middle and stared at Kaoru.

"Kaoru, you have no right to be this disrepectful towards my friend."

"He is the worst kind, I can feel it; he looks at you like-"

"Like _what_."

Okita senpai's cold voice left me palayzed. I turned to look at him but he was giving Kaoru one of the most annoyed and menacing looks I've seen him give, his green eyes glinting murder. Kaoru didn't flinch back, in fact when he spoke again his voice was defiant.

"He looks at you like you were _his_."

WHAT. I stared at my brother completely fazed.

"Oi brat, know your place. You are pissing me off."

I looked at Okita senpai reproachingly. Both ignored my glares.

"You, stay away from her."

"Not your decission."

"I'll make you."

"You'll cry."

"Try me."

"I said ENOUGH both of you!"

I'd just had enough. I glared at my brother and he flinched back. Then I heard Saito senpai sigh.

"Souji you should try to control yourself; he is her brother, it's only normal he wants to protect her from any of us."

"I don't care who he is, he pisses me off."

"You piss me off!"

"I said stop! You don't even know each other, would you mind stop behaving like two small children?"

I glared at both of them, then looked at Okita senpai pleadingly and he sighed.

"Fine. As you wish."

"Kaoru, you too please."

He grimaced and looked away.

"Only because you ask me to, Chizuru."

I sighed heavily.

"Thank you. Now, lets behave until we reach school at least, we are making a scene here."

They all nodded and Saito senpai decided to take Kaoru to the other side of the train car, while he looked back to glare at Okita senpai, and he just answered his glare with a menacing smile.

I sighed.

"Your brother sure is a mother hen."

I sighed deeply.

"Not you too; Sen chan said the same thing first time she met him. He is my only brother, we've just had one to the other from the beginning. It's only natural he'll worry."

"But you also think he is a bit overprotective."

I had to admit he was right.

"Yes, I do."

Okita senpai shrugged. And then I feared the worst when he smiled mischievously.

"Now I'm even eager to make him mad."

"Oh no, please. I beg you."

I answered him pleadingly, and he snickered.

"Oh well, if you beg then that is another matter. I'm weak when you do that."

"When I do what?"

I looked at Okita senpai and it happened again; the moment we made eye contact sparks flew wild and I felt my body was too hot. I quickly avoided his gaze and tried to change the issue.

"W- well, speaking about eh... here; your English homework."

"Oh, true. I forgot you _still _had the slavery contract. Why, thank you."

He smiled teasingly and took the notebook.

We arrived at the stop for the Academy and Kaoru waved me goodbye quickly but not before glaring again at Okita senpai.

"I perceive hostility somehow."

Okita senpai and I snickered at Saito senpai's remark .

* * *

><p>"So your brother doesn't get along with Okita senpai. Woah, big surprise."<p>

"Please Sen chan, no need for the sarcasm."

"Hey, you started it; you said you hoped for the best. Seriously."

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

We were revising our mock exams at class and speaking between whispers. Sen chan placed the pen on the table and grabbed her head with her hands.

"Damn Chizuru chan, you are amazing. I'll have to have you tutor me."

I snickered.

"Years and years of no other motivation but studying. I sacrificed my social life for this."

She looked at me from her head leaning on the table and rolled her eyes.

"... Okay, maybe I'm glad to be a bit dumber than you after hearing that."

She sat back straight and after sighing, rested her chin on her hand and looked at me.

"Have you thought about it?"

"What about?"

"Career path."

I sighed and she grimaced.

"Well, don't worry, no need to hurry yet."

"I know, but I have nothing that I like better of even worse, I have nothing that motivates me."

"But you are good at almost everything, you could choose whatever you liked."

She said it as if that was an awesome quality.

"But there is nothing I like enough to think that is what I want to do for a living."

"Mmm..."

Sen chan thought for a moment.

"Have you gone to counselling?"

"Nope."

"You should, maybe there they can give you some hints."

I smiled.

"After classes I'll go."

"And I'll go straight to the cram school to cry for this."

We snickered.

* * *

><p><em>We are at the library right now, be back later please.<em>

I read the paper sign at the counselling door. To the library then. Today I didn't want to go home without some advice, and that would also help me keep my mind focused and away from needless thoughts.

As I entered the library I discovered I was almost alone there; besides the librarian, only three more people were studying or reading there, and I knew not who was from the counselling office. I sighed. I was not about to go asking each of them who could help me, but as I was to exit accepting my social defeat for today, something caught my eye.

It seemed not all hope was lost for me, as my eyes had caught a purple sparkle and my heartbeat had quickened. Because in the last table of the library, almost hidden to the view, Saito senpai was reading surrounded by pile a books.

For a moment I hesitated; if he was studying I didn't want to interrupt him. On the other hand, how many opportunities like this would I have to be alone with him? Clearly we were in no position to speak, we were at a library and he seemed busy, but al least... if he would, we could spend time together. Alone. By alone I meant without Okita senpai. My head made me awfully aware of that several times. I breathed deep. Here goes nothing. I approached him cautiously and then spoke softly.

"Hello, Saito senpai."

Saito senpai had been too absorted on his reading and he only noticed me when I greeted him. He looked at me surprised.

"Hello Chizuru san."

But his voice was warm and kind. I blushed slightly.

"Do you mind if I join you? Ah, I- I mean, if I don't bother you or you are not too busy..."

A soft smile formed in his lips and he motioned to the free spot before him.

"Of course, it would be my pleasure."

I sat in front of him and took out my books. I opened the maths one and started with my exercises. Thing was, I had made it into step one successfully, but now I knew not how to reach step two, the talking. I thought about commenting on something he was reading but I didn't want to bother him. I mean, not too long ago being just like this, this close, at the same table, would have been enough; enough for my heart to kill me, enough to feel satisfied and fangirl alone once I reached home. But now I could speak to him, I could be near him and feel at ease. And that pushed me further somehow, to want more. More interaction, to know more about him, to see how far I could reach.

I breathed. I could do it. I could because I wanted to do it.

"Saito senpai, what are you reading?"

He looked away from his book to me, and smiled again, then passed me his book.

Literature.

"Is this material for exams?"

"No, I just felt like relaxing reading after classes. I'll study more at home."

I smiled.

"Have you read from this author?"

I observed the cover. Byron.

"Not really, though I know of him. Do you like it?"

He nodded.

"I like reading about people who had a personal magnetism, a strong sense of living and made a difference, people capable to express his feelings, not only into paper, but into words. That level of communication, I envy."

I felt a wave of heat as he spoke. Being allowed to know more about him was... amazing. I knew he was interesting, but he was also deep.

"But you are passionate when you speak about something you like."

He blushed deeply and averted his eyes from mine.

"That may be the case, but I don't have the same priviledge on day to day conversation."

"I don't think it's bad though; you can open and be frank with people you care, about the things you like. You share little of yourself and only with whom you want. I don't dislike it."

I realized suddenly what I had said and blushed deeply at how forward that had been of me. I had spoken without thinking and now everything was out. Saito senpai looked back at me, his deep blue eyes unreadable, shinning with something I could not decipher, and then he slowly smiled at me.

"Thank you Chizuru san. I appreciate your words."

I smiled back at his honest smile. I did it. I communicated with him on a deep level, just as that day we spoke about Okita senpai...

"I- I only said what I felt."

"Then I am glad you feel that way."

His tone was monotone as always but I could feel the hint of mirth and kindness on it and I felt myself blush even more. That he let me see that part of him, that he let me stay here, and shared his thoughts... I was absolutely glad he opened up to me like this. Being here with him made me feel at a strange ease all the while my heart tugged and thumped. Saito senpai provided me peace and at the same time gave me all sort of excitement.

A feeling of calmness enveloped me in time as we were there in silence, reading. I needed nothing more. Just being here with him, the world outside did not matter, as long as I was here with him. I wished this could last forever and time could stop.

"Chizuru san."

I looked from my homework to him.

"Are you going to stay much longer here?"

I realized I had no idea what time it was, and outside it was almost dark.

"N- not much more, I mean... originally I came here looking for the counselling tutor but I saw you-"

I bit my lip. Then he looked at me and I felt a small shiver in my spine at the intensity of his blue eyes.

"Then... would you mind if I walked you home today? It's already late."

I almost gaped at him. Of course not! I mean, YES: Yes. I want.

"N- not at all, it would be my pleasure."

He smiled and I blushed. When he smiled... it suited him and gave me all kind of fuzzy feelings. His smile was incredibly beautiful, like a fleeting feeling. I wanted to see him smile more and more.

We picked up our things and went out of the library. Night was setting, I had almost missed dusk and its beautiful light, but right now I couldn't really care about that. I'd trade almost anything to spend time like this everyday with him.

"Ah, Saito senpai, have you decided your career yet? Last years must have it though..."

We were walking towards the station, and he looked at the sky for a moment.

"Probably is asking too much of me but... if I could I would like to be a teacher. Well, If I could I'd like to be a scholar and know a lot of everything and dedicate my time to study, but teaching others and motivating them... I like the idea better than keeping the knowledge to me. I'd like to be able to share that knowledge with people."

Woah. I gaped at him in awe.

"That is awesome."

He blushed.

"No, no, I mean it! Your dreams... the path you are taking is remarkably praiseworthy."

He looked at me and I almost forgot how to walk.

"Thank you Chizuru san. What about you? Have you already decided?"

"Not really."

I sighed dissapointed. He just looked at me wisely.

"Don't worry; you still have time, it's not important now, the important thing is choosing something that leaves you without regrets. Although you can always change it if you don't like it. We are full of possibilities, even if we fail as long as we want to do something with enough determination, we can do anything we want."

It was such a motivating speech I was left speechless for a moment. Because he had said it placing trust in my judgement no matter what or when it was, and more so, trusting I was capable to decide and get up if I failed. My heart was bursting inside my chest.

"Thank you."

Just 'thank you' seemed to small and short for all I felt thanks to him; I felt as if he had hugged me, his words honest and kind, but strong and encouraging.

We arrived at the station. I remembered the time we stayed here alone and I could not even be close to him. Now that didn't happen anymore. We were close and I felt better than ever, comfortable and at ease.

Our train arrived and we sat in the almost empty car train.

"Ah, Saito senpai, which book is it that you usually read at the station while you wait in the morning?"

He looked at me a bit surprised.

"... Last week you mean?"

I snarled at me inwardly. It was true, I mean, this week he hasn't been reading any book. I wanted to jump out of the train and dissapear.

"I didn't know you realized it-"

"No- I mean, I was just curious as I always saw you reading..."

I was digging my own grave. But he smiled and rumaged through his bag, then took pen and paper and noted something.

"These are the last two books I've read in the past months. I hope you like any of them."

"Y- yes! Thank you very much Saito senpai."

I blushed ten different shades of red at how lame and stupid I had been to somehow confess him I had been observing him. I looked at the paper and bit my lip. I could go further; as long as I wanted to, as long as I had the will... I could do anything.

"Saito senpai... could- could you give me your mail address?"

He smiled again. He was smiling to me more than I've ever seen him smile to anyone.

"Of course."

* * *

><p>We said goodbye at the station and went separate ways. I arrived home and went directly to my room to mail Sen chan about how incredible today had been since I last saw her; I'd made so much progress I was incredibly proud of myself-<p>

And then I saw I already had a mail- would it be from Saito senpai? But it was too soon for him to mail me, maybe Sen chan beat me and sent one first... I looked at the sender and became cold. Okita senpai.

For some seconds that seemed minutes I stood there, not knowing what to do. Opening it would remind me of him, but... that had already happened. Right now, even if I had spent one of the most wonderful afternoons with Saito senpai, the day would end with the memory of Okita senpai as the last person to greet me goodnight.

It was unavoidable anyway. So I opened it. Because I wouldn't run away, even if the damn car was running over me at this stage.

_"From: Okita senpai _

_To: Yukimura Chizuru_

_heyyy I see you are making progress_  
><em>way to go! I'm proud of you<em>_ヾ__(*~∀~*)_  
><em>Probably Hajime kun was extasic<em>  
><em>though he rarely shows it <em>  
><em>but lately he smiles a lot to you.<em>  
><em>good night strong girl.<em>  
><em>(*<em>_)__ﾉ__ﾏﾀﾈｰ_

_"_

I felt a lump in my throat and a pang in my heart. How did he know. How did he... see us? I don't think Saito senpai called him, or mailed him about this. Did that mean he had other means to know it? Did that mean... he was at the rooftop? At that time?

Just thinking about this was enough to send my mind into chaos, my heart into frenzy and my feelings into a mess. Okita senpai turned upside down my world just with his presence, just with his existence...

And I stood there, my phone in my hands, not knowing how to write a reply as I cried silently because I did not know what was right and wrong anymore.

And because Okita senpai was pushing me towards Saito senpai and somehow that hurt.


End file.
